THE TIN HEART

by

Joan Kessler

Minnie is putting boxes back in the closet. Joe enters unseen carrying his briefcase, flowers, and the mail. He puts the flowers on a table.

MINNIE
I don't get it. There's one less box. Why doesn't this work?

JOE
It's the nature of the universe.

MINNIE
Joe!
(sees flowers)
Oh, how sweet! Thank you, honey!

JOE
Yeah, happy anniversary.
(looking through mail)
I'm still getting letters from that Book Club. I haven't ordered anything in, I don't even know, five years. You'd think they'd get a clue. What are you working on?

MINNIE
I was looking for something. You're home early.

JOE
You're always moving things. Why do you do that?

MINNIE
Because I'm good at it. What happened at work?

JOE
I can't find anything when you clean. I was almost late this morning because I couldn't find my socks. I like them in the bottom drawer, they're closer to my feet. I had to inspect a new building but the new owners were missing a permit so I sent them right back downtown.
(pause)
Looks like Sue Grafton's nearing the end of her career. "Z is for Zero More Mysteries".

MINNIE
You always hated her titles. You said they were too boring to make you want to read the books.

JOE
I read her stuff. Just not my thing. What is this trend with writers now, everyone suddenly writing for kids?

MINNIE
Why don't you order something and find out.

JOE
These book clubs rip you off. Don't forget we have reservations for tonight.

MINNIE
I haven't forgotten.

Joe finally notices the box.

JOE
What's this?

MINNIE
Happy Anniversary Joe!

Joe removes the box to reveal an old typewriter - it has been customized to include a sword with a heart-shaped hilt and dubbed Sir Remington.

MINNIE
It's Sir Remington, Dauntless and tenacious. Able to pierce publishing houses in one page.

JOE
I thought I got rid of it.

MINNIE
I kept it. I had it tucked away so well I almost couldn't find it.

JOE
Minnie why'd you do that. I didn't want it anymore. I told you.

MINNIE
You were being hasty and I didn't want you to regret it later. Besides, Sir Remington here delivered your proposal to me. I thought it would bring back some romantic memories for us tonight.

JOE
It doesn't.

MINNIE
Well, give it a minute. It always needed time to warm up. It's peculiar that way.

JOE
It's a worn out steel-plated burden. A museum piece. You should have left it where you found it. You should have respected my decision and left it at that.
(pause)
Thanks for getting the oil changed, I didn't have time. I'll take a look at the shower tomorrow. I don't want to get messed up before dinner. Were you okay without it today?

MINNIE
Oh yeah. I didn't go to the office. I just e-mailed The Weekly Neighbor after editing this morning. And I was on the phone with your mom for quite a while.

JOE
Oh. Did you have a nice listen?

MINNIE
I like hearing her stories about you. She likes to remember. It's sweet. And she likes me to reassure her that I am taking care of you. And that you're taking care of me. What time is the reservation?

JOE
Six o'clock. There's a game on at eight, so that should be fine. Or, was there something you wanted to watch tonight?

MINNIE
No, there's nothing. I guess I'll go get cleaned up.

JOE
Minnie, I'm sorry but I didn't ask you to save it. You dig it up after all these years. How did you think I'd react.

MINNIE
It's been a long time I know, but, you can't simply discard something like this and expect to go on. As if it never existed. That was the heart and soul of your life.
(doorbell is heard)

JOE
If it means so much to you, you keep it. Use it for a potted plant or something.

Joe answers the door - a roguish looking man with a clipboard and blue recycling bin is revealed.

MINNIE
I don't need a potted plant, Joe.

JOE
I'm sure you'll find some use for it.

MINNIE
Well at least you're consulting me this time.

PERCY
Hello. I'm here for the recycling.

JOE
Excuse me?

PERCY
Percy's Pick-Ups. You have a typewriter, sku number 57M94/Q? Sir Remington Something?

JOE
Yeah.

PERCY
I'm here to collect. 5521 Rosewood Drive? Thursday? Maybe this is a bad time.

JOE
Oh no. My wife was just dragging me through the mud of Memory Lane.

MINNIE
It's right over here. Do you need a hand with it? Joe give him a hand with it.

PERCY
I got it. She's my final pick-up, then I'm going Home.

JOE
You saved it all this time to give to me on our anniversary and then have it taken away? Oh that's romantic.

MINNIE
I didn't call him.

PERCY
She didn't call me.

JOE
Then what are you...? Who are you again?

PERCY
Will you look at that. It's a classic. Really good shape, too.

JOE
Minnie's taken good care of it. Who sent you here?

MINNIE
What difference does it make? You want to get rid of it. He wants to take it. I'll get the door.

JOE
Wait a minute. I thought you wanted it. Isn't that why you've kept it all these years? Sentimental value?

MINNIE
Yeah, maybe. But there's been a change of heart.

PERCY
Sounds like you're having second thoughts Joe.

JOE
I am not having second thoughts. But if it means something to her to keep this around...

PERCY
Great. If you two could just sign here. This will make some nice chess pieces. Or golf clubs.

JOE
(not signing)
You're going to melt this down?

PERCY
You have any objections?

JOE
No. It's just, my mother'll be disappointed. It's an heirloom.

MINNIE
I thought it was a worn out steel-plated burden. I think I'll skip dinner Joe.
(she exits)

JOE
Women.

PERCY
Will she be gone long? I actually need her signature as well.

JOE
Why do they get so attached to things? They save everything. They won't let go. You should see the closets around here. You need a hard hat just to hang up your coat.

PERCY
Who's idea was knighthood?

JOE
Minnie's. We used to have this...idea...I don't know. It was stupid. She said something about guaranteeing it serve faithfully, or die trying.

PERCY
Women. Hopeless romantics.

JOE
Yeah. Where's your clipboard, I'll sign that paper. Wait. Let's have a drink first. We'll commemorate the evening. Something lost, something gained.

PERCY
What exactly are you losing?

JOE
A false future. I mistook talent for vocation. An amusing mistake. To your real self be true.

PERCY
Halleluiah. The Key to Bliss.

They clink glasses & drink. Percy chokes, coughing up a key.

PERCY
I did it again.

JOE
You coughed up a key. This is the key to my chest- where did you- ?

PERCY
It was an accident, I didn't mean to do that when I said that, but you were thinking it, that was not a solo miracle, just sign here and I can Leave You in Peace.

JOE
What do you mean solo...? How did you get this? Did you say "leave me in peace"?

PERCY
That's generally what we do.

JOE
Uh-huh. Do you mind if I have another...? So you're, recycling.

PERCY
Retribution. Of minimal proportions. Oh, I'm not avenging or ministering. No rapturous production number with me. I'm the household variety, and I'm just here for the signatures. And a hundred and fifty-seven points.

JOE
What are the points for? Some kind of commission?

PERCY
You could say that. See I can't get back up until I reach my quota.

JOE
Which is?

PERCY
Five hundred million and three.

JOE
Jesus! Where are you at?

PERCY
Four hundred ninety-nine million, nine-hundred ninety-nine thousand, eight hundred and forty-six. And I'm kind of on a deadline here. I've got until six o'clock tonight to walk that baby over the threshold.

JOE
Just out of curiosity, what happens to you if you don't get all your signatures tonight? Do you have to start all over?

PERCY
There are no second chances for us. It's you lovely creatures down here that get all the breaks, whether you know it or not. If for some reason I fail tonight, I roam the earth a souless man, never to return Home. A Living Hell. Everyday reminded of what I could have had, and everyday unable to forget why it isn't so.

JOE
Do I sign here?

PERCY
Yes, Sir.

JOE
If it's not too personal, what is it you did? I mean I didn't know you could do anything wrong.

PERCY
I slipped. I was visiting and I met a a beautiful creature, a woman. We "fell in love". But I couldn't have both worlds. I chose God. It, I, broke her heart. Got grounded. But that little beauty gets me my wings back.

JOE
Sounds like someone's lucky day.

PERCY
You have no idea. In a little while I'll be basking in the Light, completely restored. Pure Joy.

Minnie enters.

MINNIE
Would you mind looking at the shower. Please.

JOE
Yeah. Sure.
(exits)

MINNIE
Aren't you taking this?

PERCY
Sure. If you could just sign here.

MINNIE
Didn't Joe sign it?

PERCY
I need signatures from both parties.

MINNIE
I don't know why you want to melt this down. You could get a lot of money for it as is. I mean without the decorations.

PERCY
It's not about the money. I collect broken dreams and recycle them. This typewriter is an ugly duckling about to become someone else's swan.

MINNIE
I see. Percy. That's short for Percival, isn't it, I like it. Do you believe in 'happily ever after', Percy?

PERCY
It's kind of an occupational hazard.

MINNIE
We had it coming to us. The story book romance. The fairy tale ending. We struggled at first, but we knew where we were headed. We could always just see it on the horizon, that sunset we were riding into. Then one critic slammed him.

Joe enters unseen with a small chest.

MINNIE
Said his material read like a "lovesick antiquity". One critic. You know I pulled this out of the trash. I kept it at his mother's house for a couple of years, I didn't dare risk him finding it here. Why are men so stubborn? And selfish. He tears his heart out, locks it up and throws it away! Only he forgot that it's not his to dispose of. He forgot about the day that he gave his heart to me.

Minnie signs the form.

JOE
I was trying to protect you. I wanted you to be the wife of a successful, well-respected writer. Not some joke in the Book Review. I was embarrassed. I couldn't write and you took a job to pay the bills. Not the life we dreamed of.

Percy places typewriter on table and moves toward the door.

JOE
Aren't you taking that with you?

PERCY
That tin bucket's still got a pulse.

JOE
But your task. No second chances.

PERCY
Happy Anniversary.

MINNIE
Joe, what are you talking about?

Joe opens the chest with the Key. He takes out an envelope and gives it to Minnie.

JOE
It's an I.O.U. I wrote it a long time ago. I just never felt like I could honor it. Until now.

MINNIE
(reading)
"I owe you One Revision". You misspelled revision.

As Percy steps into the doorway a white light shines on him.

PERCY
I was wrong about that production number.

JOE
Are you seeing this, Minnie?

MINNIE
What is that?

JOE
Pure Joy.

CURTAIN