SECRETS
A One-Act Play
by
Richard Watson
The Cast
George Collins, age around 50,
Harriet's husband of 30 years
Harriet Collins, age around 50,
George's wife of 30 years
George and Harriet are sitting on a sofa in a middle-class living room.
facing the audience. George picks up the TV moniter, points it at the
audience, and clicks it off. He sits back with a sigh.
HARRIET: What shall we do now?
GEORGE: Aren't we going to bed?
H: Well, of course, eventually.
G: What else is it you want to do?
H: Thirty years, and we really do still love each other?
Isn't that wonderful?
G: I suppose.
H: And you took me out to dinner on our anniversary,
you old dear.
G: Why not? Anyway, it's the first time in years we remembered.
H: And then only because we got anniversary cards from the kids
and my mother.
G: So what is it you want to do?
H: Oh, I don't know.
G: That's what I thought.
H: Something.
G: We'll do that later. When we go to bed.
H: Oh, you're so romantic.
G: Heh, heh.
H: OK, let's play a game I heard about.
G: I hate games.
H: Yes, I know, but this one sounds fun.
G: No.
H: It's for people who've lived together a long time, like us.
They tell each other secrets.
G: Secrets?
H: Yes, you know, things they've kept secret from
one another all the time they've been married.
G: We don't have any secrets. You're a blabber-mouth
and I can't hide anything.
H: Oh is that so?
G: Yes. There's nothing I don't know about you.
H: Ha!
G: All right. You first.
H: All right. You asked for it. I had an affair with
Ralphy Dinsley.
G: Oh Christ. You think I didn't know that?
H: What do you mean? You couldn't have known
We were very careful.
G: You were careful, I'll give you that. If I hadn't known
what you were up to, I'd have thought you were a candidate
for the looney bin.
H: That's not nice at all.
G: Jesus, you were so crafty I had to make up excuses
to explain your behavior to the kids.
H: Well, if you knew, why didn't you say something?
G: And spoil your fun?
H: I suppose that was nice of you, but just the same.
G: That's OK.
H: How did you know?
G: Ralph told me.
[HARRIET JUMPS UP OFF THE SOFA.]
H: Ralph told you!
G: Actually, he asked my permission.
H: What?
G: Sit down. You started this game.
[HARRIET SITS DOWN.]
G: Yeah. He had the hots for you and he was flirting with
you but he hadn't expected you to come across, and then
you took him up on it.
H: So you gave him your permission
G: It was more like he needed help.
H: He needed help? What help?
G: Are you sure you want to know?
[HARRIET JUMPS UP AGAIN.}
H: You damned right I want to know? That creep. Sneaking
around behind my back and going to my husband.
G: Sit down.
[HARRIET SITS DOWN.]
G: You were so eager that he was afraid you might be too
much for him, so he asked me what to do. He was
worried he wouldn't satisfy you.
H: And I suppose you told him what to do?
G: Well? Didn't he do all right?
H: He was fine. But I didn't know he had a coach.
G: Yep.
H: OK, now your turn.
G: All right. I suppose you're going to tell me that
you knew about me and Jane Larkins.
H: Of course I knew about you and Jane.
G: How could you have known? I know damned well she
didn't tell you. I made her swear.
H: She didn't tell me. It was common knowledge.
G: Common knowledge?
H: Yes, she told everybody but me.
G: Gossip, just gossip. You didn't really know.
H: Yes I did. The details were right.
G. What details?
H: Well, you know what I won't do for you?
G: Uh...
H: You know. Anyway, Jane fancies herself very good at
that sort of thing, and she did you up brown.
G: Gossip.
H: Ho, ho, Jane said you were so grateful you cried, that
you thanked her with tears in your eyes. You told her
your dear little wife was too old fashioned to do
anything like that. We laughed and laughed.
G: I thought you said she didn't tell you.
H: She didn't tell _me_. She told Elizabeth, Mary, and Tracy.
G: And they told you?
H: Not exactly.
G: What do you mean, not exactly?
H: Well, she told them in my presence.
[GEORGE JUMPS UP.]
G: Bitch! That bitch! That liar! Jesus God.
H: Sit down.
[GEORGE SITS DOWN.]
[THEY SIT SILENT JUST A MOMNET LONGER THAN THE
AUDIENCE CAN TAKE.]
H: OK, it's my turn again.
G: I can't wait.
H: I had an affair with Jane, too.
G: What!?
H: Ha! Score one for me. You didn't know.
G: Not only didn't I know, I don't believe it.
H: What do you mean, you don't believe it?
G: I just don't believe it.
H: And just why not?
G: You never let me touch you. I know what Lesbians do.
You wouldn't let anybody do anything like that to you.
You're too squeamish.
H: It's different when it's a woman. Anyway, Jane didn't
do anything to me. I did her. I was the butch.
G: You were the what?
H: I was the butch. It was my idea. Jane just went along
for the ride.
G: For the ride? Jesus God.
H: Oh, don't be silly. It didn't mean anything. I'm not
going around chasing women. I just wondered what it
was like, so I tried it.
G: I don't believe it.
H: It was kind of fun.
G: I said, I don't believe it.
[HARRIET LEANS OVER AND SPEAKS CONFIDENTIALLY.}
H: Our Jane really goes off like a firecracker, doesn't she?
G: I hate this game.
H: Your turn.
G: All right, you asked for it. Charlie Combs and I
used to get it off together.
H: Now that, I don't believe.
G: It's true.
H: George, you're the biggest homophobe I've ever known.
G: Be that as it may.
H: All right. What did you do?
G: Well, we used to tell each other dirty stories
and masturbate.
H: I'm sorry. I just can't picture it.
G: If you can be bisexual, so can I.
H: I'm not bisexual. I was just curious. But I _know_ you're
not bixexual. If everybody you thought was a fairy was a
fairy, there wouldn't be a population problem.
G: I stand on what I say. That's what we did.
H: How old were you?
G: When?
H: When you and Charlie did this.
G: It doesn't matter.
H: Oh yes it does.
G: We were old enough.
H: Come on. How old?
G: Old enough.
H: How old?
G: Eleven, damnit.
H: Eleven! You couldn't even have an ejaculation then.
G: I could too.
[HARRIET SHRIEKS WITH LAUGHTER.]
G: God damnit Harriet, quit laughing.
Do we have to continue playing this game?
H: You want me to tell you a dirty story instead?
G: God damn it, Harriet, I quit. You win.
H: No. The game's not over. Now we tell secrets we know
about each other that the other doesn't know we know.
G: We've already done that.
H: No, that doesn't count. This time you first.
G: Nope. If you want to go on, you have to be first.
H: All right. You suck eggs.
G: What did you say?
H: I said you suck eggs.
G: I do not suck eggs. What on earth ever gave you the
idea that I did?
H: I've seen you, at the refrigerator.
G: I eat eggs. I eat hardboiled eggs.
H: What happens to the shells?
G: What do you mean?
H: I mean, I never see the shells. I see you at the
refrigerator with eggs. I never see the shells.
Therefore, with my logical feminine mind, I infer that
you suck eggs, then you hide the shells so I won't
see what you've done.
G: That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard.
I _eat_ hardboiled eggs.
H: What do you do with the shells?
G: I eat them, too.
H: You eat the shells?
G: Yes. I do.
H: But why?
G: For the calcium.
H: For what?
G: I read an article that your brain needs lots of calcium.
It helps you think better.
H: But why do you eat egg shells? Why don't you
just take my calcium pills?
G: I like hardboiled eggs, and eating the shells seemed to
be a good way to get calcium.
H: Come on.
G: The article said egg shells are a particularly good source.
H: But isn't it gritty?
G: A little. But you get used to it. Like salt.
H: Like salt?
G: Look, isn't this enough of this stupid game?
H: No. now it's your turn. You get to tell me a secret
about me that you know I don't know you know.
G: All right. You asked for it. You let the dog lick
your, you know, there.
[HARRIET JUMPS UP.]
H: George Collins! That's outrageous! It's not true.
You asshole!
[GEORGE JUMPS UP.]
G: Asshole? Asshole? I've seen it. You'll be sitting there
in your nightgown and he'll put his head between your knees,
and you take his head in your hands and pull him forward.
It's disgusting.
H: You're the one who's disgusting. I pull his ears and pet
him. But he never... That's outrageous. You already said
you know how sensitive I am about being touched there.
G: Yes, that's just it. Did you ever let me? No.
But that damned dog. You let him.
[THEY SIT DOWN. HARRIET CROSSES HER LEGS,
FLIPS HER LEG UP AND DOWN RAPIDLY,
THEN TURNS AND LOOKS AT GEORGE PENSIVELY.]
H: It isn't true. What you said. But supposing it was.
You mean to tell me you're jealous of the dog?
[GEORGE DROPS TO HIS HANDS AND KNEES, TURNS TOWARD HARRIET AND
GROWLS, WAGGLES HIS HIND END BACK AND FORTH, AND MOVES TOWARD
HER.
HARRIET GIGGLES AND REACHES OUT TOWARD HIM.]
CURTAIN