Q.E.D. Final Draft 5/30/98 Lisa K. Wyatt
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Q.E.D.
By Lisa K. Wyatt
Final Draft 5/30/98
WGAw Registered #710105
Lisa K. Wyatt
PO Box 8407
Van Nuys, CA 91409
© 1998 Lisa K. Wyatt
Q.E.D. Final Draft 5/30/98 Lisa K. Wyatt
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Cast of Characters
Ross: (21-23) A college senior, Math/Education major, planning to teach high
school. Charming, loving. He is baffled by girlfriend's hormone-induced
mood swings.
Linnea: (21-23) A college senior, recently accepted into M.I.T.'s doctoral program
for Combinatorics. Experiences wide hormonal and stress induced mood
swings.
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Lights up on Linnea's dorm room. Desk with
several math books, Renaissance history,
Goddess worship, etc. Posters on the walls. (XFiles,
Star Trek, Georgia O'Keefe) A twin bed,
couch, beanbag chair, small TV, alarm clock.
There are several stuffed animals on the bed.
At lights up, Linnea enters carrying a test tray
and a small cup of yellow liquid.
ROSS
Did you hold it in the urine stream?
LINNEA
Yes. I don't think anyone saw me in the hall.
ROSS
(pointing to directions)
It says that you're not supposed to let the cup touch you. They outlined that part in blue, so it
must be really important.
LINNEA
I know. I read the directions. Thank you. It was tricky and ridiculous, but I managed. I think
that part's in the test as punishment for having sex. OK, junior chemist time. How many
drops go in the well?
ROSS
(Checks directions)
Three.
Linnea double checks directions, puts three
drops of liquid on test with eyedropper and sets
timer.
ROSS
(Cont'd)
Why do these things come in multi-packs? Do you have parties we don't know about? I
mean, if you were neurotic enough to need more than one, you'd want a different brand to
compare accuracy, or is this a monthly ritual hell to put your boyfriends through?
LINNEA
That's right, Ross. I did this on purpose just to upset your delicate balance on a Thursday.
ROSS
Forgive me for thinking that my impending Diff EQ midterm is important.
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LINNEA
I thought you were here for support. I'M NOT COPING.
ROSS
Linnea, Honey, I'm sorry. This is just taking me a little by surprise.
LINNEA
How do you think I feel? You're not the one who has to go through this—I mean, if this
really is... this. Oh Christ, I promised myself I wouldn't do this.
ROSS
Do what?
LINNEA
Need you. I'm supposed to be strong and independent. Hold me.
ROSS
Now?
LINNEA
Yes, now.
ROSS
I just didn't know if you were done with your diatribe. I understand, hormones.
LINNEA
No, you don't understand hormones. And anyway, the only way I'd be having lots of
hormones is if I am, and I'm not. I'm just not. I just can't be—Not now. So just don't jinx it. I
am not hormonal. And I was not having a diatribe. Why aren't you holding me?
ROSS
It's gonna be OK. Everything's gonna be just fine. I love you. I'm with you all the way here.
I'll stay with you at the clinic. (She burns a hole through his head with her stare) What'd I
say?
LINNEA
Is that what you want me to do?
ROSS
I just figured. We hadn't talked about kids. You just said you didn't want this. You're going
to MIT in September. Remember, Doctoral candidate in Combinatorics—You were really
excited about getting accepted. We had pink champagne and pretzel rods to celebrate.
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LINNEA
André and Rold Gold. Only the finest. Yeah, I remember. How do you think I got here? To
this oh so special point in time in my life that is unraveling before my very eyes. That's what
you want me to do, isn't it?
ROSS
It's your choice. But, are you saying—Do you want to keep it?
LINNEA
I don't know. I need to weigh my options. I just. DAMN. I thought I would know what to do.
I'm pro-choice. I just didn't factor in how right this feels.
ROSS
How right what feels?
LINNEA
Being pregnant.
ROSS
You don't know that. The test isn't done yet. Nothing's blue or Not... yet. And you just
said—Nevermind. How much longer?
LINNEA
Five minutes. I don't know how. I just know. I spent three hours yesterday walking around
Lake Calhoun and looking at ducks. It just feels right, absolutely the wrong time, but (sighs)...
I don't expect anything from you.
ROSS
You can't cut me out like that. Just in case you haven't been paying attention for the last two
years—I Love You! I'm not going anywhere. Linnea, look at me. So, you want to keep it?
LINNEA
The baby?
ROSS
Yeah, Do you want to keep it?
LINNEA
Christ, you can't even say it.
ROSS
Thebabythebabythebabythebabythebabythebaby. OK, I said it. Here's something you're not
saying. I hear you saying you want to keep...the baby. I just don't hear you saying you want to
keep it—with me.
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LINNEA
I can't bully you into something like this. I can't...1 don't know.
ROSS
You don't know as in you can't finish your sentence, a little dramatic effect, or you don't
know about us.
LINNEA
I love you.
ROSS
Sorry, no get-out-of-jail-free-card this time. Do not pass GO, Do not collect $200. You think
I can't be a Dad?
LINNEA
I didn't say that.
ROSS
Then, what are you saying?
LINNEA
I don't know what to do! Do I have to spell it? I haven't ruled anything out. But I can't make
this decision for you. I know it's my body and in the end it's my choice. But if there is
something growing inside me it's part of you, too and I need to know what you want. Five
years from now I don't want to be that bitch who ruined your life.
ROSS
No, you'll be MY bitch who's ruining my life.
LINNEA
Ross, I'm serious.
ROSS
So am I. Five years from now I want you to be with me, and 25 and 55 and 75. I'm not
leaving you. Please get that through your hormone-addled skull. You're stuck with me.
LINNEA
Besides, wouldn't I be your HO?
ROSS
AH, we're on this side of the pendulum, are we?
LINNEA
What's that supposed to mean?
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ROSS
Nothing. Stay away from the Dark side. Come back. You almost had your sense of
humor.
LINNEA
I always have my sense of humor. Sometimes you're just too thick to get it.
ROSS
OK, Little Miss MIT, In light of your condition, I'm gonna let that one pass. But there is
nothing wrong with teaching high school. Not all of us need a doctorate.
LINNEA
Well, some of us won't be teaching anything if we don't pass our Diff EQ midterms.
ROSS
I'll be just fine, thank you. So, you'd give up MIT just like that?
LINNEA
No. But what if this is my one chance to be a Mom? What if something goes wrong and I can't
have kids? What if the Operation Rescue people are right? What if God really is keeping
score and I'll be damned for all time if I throw this gift back in HIS face?
ROSS
That's a lot of what ifs. What happened to HIS/HER/THE ETERNAL ONE?
LINNEA
I can't help it. In this situation, God seems like a really pissed off Dad to me. Vengeance,
Damnation—it screams of a patriarchal God. That's just not the Goddess' style. And it
certainly has nothing to do with Universal Oneness. Now's about the time it'd be great to
have a traditional theological viewpoint. Just look at the rulebook, listen to the priest, do what
they say. I know it's not that easy, it's just this amorphous all-encompassing spirituality is
leaving me out to dry on this one.
ROSS
OK, Let's write it out. On the Con side we have: Possibly Barren Due to Potential Doctor
Error. Solution—Get a Good Doctor. Next up: Potential Damnation. If we're going that route
aren't you already eternally damned for sleeping with me outside the confines of marriage.
LINNEA
I like how confines and marriage just trip off your tongue together. It's part of you and part of
me, how do I just get rid of that?
ROSS
OK, how did you decide when we used a condom that you wanted to keep my guys away
from your eggs?
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LINNEA
Your guys?
ROSS
Sperm's too clinical.
LINNEA
But you called my eggs, eggs.
ROSS
It's not the same. You can buy eggs at Byerly's. It's familiar, kinda cozy. But, my guys,
they're tough little swimmers, I'm sure, but we decided to cut 'em off at the pass without
a second thought. What's the difference, philosophically, except for timing?
LINNEA
I don't know. I guess it's a question of intent. There's a difference between trying to
prevent something from happening and doing something about it when it does.
ROSS
But if there's some outside force that has a stake in this thing occurring. Aren't you
committing an open act of defiance by trying to prevent the occurrence in the first place?
LINNEA
Ross, this is why we don't hang out with Philosophy majors. Whenever you need answers
they just give you more questions. Well, this isn't a rhetorical "What if we're talking
about. This is real, and I need real answers.
ROSS
OK, On the PRO side: MIT Doctorate won't wait. I can and I will.
LINNEA
Right, I've spent the last sixteen years of school getting to this point. I can't ask you to
give up your teaching plans to take care of a baby, and I can't go to MIT with one, not in
any realistic universe.
ROSS
You know, technically, these have all been rhetorical "What ifs" until we know the test
results.
(SFX: Short Beep of Timer)
LINNEA
There's the one-minute warning.
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One minute of Ross & Linnea holding each
other on the couch, pacing, Going to separate
corners to think. Waiting for the final bell.
SFX: Beep, Beep, Beep from timer.
LINNEA
You look, I can't.
ROSS
OK.
LINNEA
No, give it to me. I can do this. (Pause) It's blue. (Pause) So, there's a baby inside me and
we're going to kill it.
ROSS
That's a hell of a way to put it.
LINNEA
No, it's true. Sugarcoat it all you want, call it a "procedure," whatever. It's what it boils
down to.
ROSS
(hesitant)
So, you're going to keep it?
LINNEA
I didn't say that. I just don't want to delude myself into thinking I'm being heroic here,
fighting for my vision of how my life should be. If you want the truth, I'm scared and feeling
more than a little selfish. But if I can put it that way and still go through with it, then I'm in
control. Then I can damn myself before anyone else gets a chance and they can't touch me.
ROSS
I've never seen you so cold. What just happened?
LINNEA
I think it's called Life. Don't worry. I'll take care of it. It's not your fault, your guys just
swam too well, that's all. This particular level of hell is for a party of one. I'd really like to
be alone, now.
ROSS
What...I don't understand.
LINNEA
Now, if you don't mind.
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ROSS
(Shell-shocked)
OK, I guess I'm unnecessary. I'll call you later.
LINNEA
Bye.
Ross Exits.
LINNEA
Just once, you could've said, No, let's keep it. We'll find a way to make it work.
Linnea cries on the couch. Gets up, looks
through the Yellow Pages and dials the phone.
LIGHTS TO BLUE WASH. Ross returns.
SFX: Beep, beep, beep
LINNEA
You look, I can't.
ROSS
OK.
LINNEA
No, give it to me. I can do this. It's white. I guess those what ifs were rhetorical after all.
ROSS
Phewsh. That was close. (Linnea starts to cry) Wha... I thought you'd be relieved.
LINNEA
I am, in a way. Still, the thought of part of you growing inside me was kinda nice, you
know.
ROSS
I know. I'll admit I had a few Little League flashbacks there. But, we can wait.
LINNEA
Well, you've got a midterm to deal with.
ROSS
How about we deal with some lumpy mashed potatoes at the Uptown Cafe?
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LINNEA
Only if we can stop at Ben & Jerry's for some Cherry Garcia with a brownie and
pistachios and hot fudge and some whipped cream first.
ROSS
Are you sure that test is right?
LINNEA
I swear that cup didn't touch me. Let it go. I love you.
ROSS
I love you, too. Now get moving or we'll be stuck with that surly waitress again.
They exit as Lights go BLUE. They restore
on the couch. SFX: Beep, beep, beep.
LINNEA
You look, I can't.
ROSS
OK.
LINNEA
No, give it to me. I can do this.
BLACKOUT