(Loosely) LYSISTRATA
A new play by Stewart Zuckerbrod
Songs by Charles Baker and Stewart Zuckerbrod
Based on the graphic novel “Lysistrata”
By Ralf Koenig (after Aristophanes)
Contact;
Stewart Zuckerbrod
5420 Dashwood Suite 101
Houston, TX 77081
713-667-5969
szckrbrd@ aol.com
Copyright Stewart Zuckerbrod, 2005
CHARACTERS
Myrrhine, wife of Kinesias
Glaukos, an Athenian soldier – handsome, muscular, smooth
Feta – wife of Glaukos. A striking resemblance to a younger version of Bree, the red-haired Desperate Housewife.
Tartaros, a soldier – moderately hairy, very well built –“the handsomest man in Athens”
/Phoebe – wife of Tartaros
|Botox – old woman, wife of Ajax
\Sally, Harry’s wife – audience plant
/Harry, Sally’s husband – audience plant
|Kinesias, a high-ranked Athenian soldier
|Kleenax, Grand Marshall of the Spartans
\Oedipus’s father (Laius)
/ Jocasta – Oedipus’s mother
\Hepatitos – transvestite, at one point disguised as Prof. Rufeous Westheimeros
- (All of these characters have the same distinctive hairdo. Jocasta and Hepatitos
are distinguished by an item of clothing, perhaps a shawl (or rhinestone eyeglasses),
and different accents.)
Incognitos – Major General of army, secretly a closet “queen”
Lysistrata – Athenian (lesbian) activist
Lampito – Spartan activist – (Dolly Parton type – blonde, big-chested)
Oedipus (Referred to in program as “son”) – Cute, 20-something
Liberatses – Bar tender at Club Adonis, piano player
/Hoplos – Bar patron, friend of Liberatses (short, balding, bearded)
\Ajax – Old man
(Sally and Harry are members of the audience, dressed in modern clothes. They are a close as we come to a “Greek Chorus”! They arrive late, Harry a bit tipsy).
The Setting: The action of the play takes place 2400 years ago, in ancient
Greece; there are, however, a lot of anachronisms and references to more modern
times. There has been an ongoing war between Athens and Sparta for the past
30 years.
The set requires two levels; an upper level, which is the Acropolis, on which
several characters can stand, and the lower level, which can be rapidly transformed
into various rooms and outdoor settings. In general, only minimal furniture
is needed to suggest the setting; a bar and several barstools, a table and chairs,
a bed, etc. Oedipus’ house will require an upstage wall with a picture
of Jocasta hung on it, and upstage doors stage right and left (on either side
of the wall), and also a door leading “outside”.
I envision the Athenians being somewhat urban and “chic” (ie, New Yorkers), and the Spartans exuding Southern, country charm.
The play is a farce, and should be presented with a view toward physical comedy and up-beat pacing.
SYNOPSIS OF SCENES
ACT I
Scene 1. Botox and Ajax at their home.
Scene 2. Kinesias’ house. Glaukos & Tartaros bring Kinesias to Myrrhine.
Scene 3. Lysistrata’s house. Athenian women (incl. Jocasta) and Lampito.
Scene 4. Market. Hoplos and Liberatses cruise Tartaros and Glaukos.
Scene 5. Acropolis (above), women; Athenian men below.
Scene 6. Glaukos and Feta at home.
Scene 7. Kinesias’ house, Kinesias and Myrrhine
Scene 8. Ajax and Botox at home.
Scene 9. Club Adonis. Harry and Sally. SONG; Hepatitos tells Hoplos and Liberatses
his battlefield experience.
Scene 10. The Acropolis. Women; Harry.
Scene 11. Outside Club Adonis. Mimed scene – Hepatitos, Glaukos, Tartaros,
Ajax.
Scene 12. Club Adonis. Hepatitos, Liberatses; Harry and Sally.
Scene 13. The Acropolis. Feta, Lampito, Lysistrata; Myrrhine reports.
Scene 14. Club Adonis. Hepatitos, Liberatses, Hoplos, Incognitos; Harry and
Sally.
Scene 15. Assembly of Army. Incognitos; Hepatitos, disguised; soldiers.
Scene 16. Harry and Sally.
Scene 17. Outside Club Adonis. Hepatitos, Hoplos, Liberatses; offstage voices.
Scene 18. Glaukos’ bedroom. Glaukos and Tartaros.
ACT II
Scene 1. Club Adonis. SONG. Hepatitos and Liberatses.
Scene 2. Acropolis. Lysistrata, Lampito, Feta, Myrrhine; Harry and Sally.
Scene 3. Glaukos’ bedroom. Glaukos and Tartaros.
Scene 4. Outside Glaukos’. Hoplos, Hepatitos; Glaukos’ departure.
Scene 5. Glaukos’. Hoplos and Tartaros.
Scene 6. Harry and Sally.
Scene 7. Oedipus’ house. Oedipus, Hepatitos, Father.
Scene 8. Phoebe sneaks off Acropolis.
Scene 9. Tartaros’ house. Hoplos and Tartaros.
Scene 10. Tartaros’ house. Phoebe arrives, Hoplos leaves, Tartaros.
Scene 11. Acropolis. Phoebe, Lysistrata, Lampito, Feta, Myrrhine.
Scene 12. Outside Glaukos’. Lysistrata and Lampito.
Scene 13. Club Adonis. Hepatitos, Hoplos, Liberatses; slideshow?
Scene 14. Outside Club Adonis. Incognitos, Kleenax announce end of war; Hepatitos,
Hoplos, Liberatses, [soldiers?]
Scene 15. Club Adonis. Lysistrata, Lampito, men. SONG.
Scene 16. Acropolis. Women. Lysistrata declares end of war and strike.
Scene 17. Kinesias’ house. Myrrhine, Kinesias, Hoplos.
Scene 18. Glaukos’. Glaukos, Liberatses, Feta, Lampito.
Scene 19. Oedipus’. Oedipus, Hepatitos, Father, Jocasta.
Scene 20. Street (outside Oedipus’). Hepatitos, Lysistrata, voice of Zeus.
Scene 21. Ajax and Botox at home.
Curtain calls; reprise of song.
(LOOSELY) LYSISTRATA
A new play by Stewart Zuckerbrod
Songs by Charles Baker and Stewart Zuckerbrod
Based on the graphic novel “Lysistrata”
By Ralf Koenig (after Aristophanes)
Curtain Speech (recorded, or live, by the “voice of Zeus”):
(Trumpet fanfare)
Hear ye, oh citizens of Greece!
You are hereby welcomed to the Unhinged Production of (Loosely) Lysistrata. Please note that pronunciations of certain names may have been altered so they do not fall strangely upon your unaccustomed ears!
Our soldiers have been fighting a long and arduous battle, and may be a bit …high-strung. For your own safety, do not disturb them with strange ringing noises, especially those from communication devices which will not be invented for several thousand years. We cannot be responsible for the consequences!
Those caught unwrapping candy during the performance will be forced to share it with our very large cast. Woe to you if you haven’t enough; you don’t want to get on the bad side of a hungry actor!
Undying gratitude to our wise and wonderful corporate sponsors; House of Coleman, Copy dot com, and Niko Nikos. Be wise yourselves, and keep privy to Unhinged Productions upcoming events by logging on to u-p.org, our web site. Whatever in Hades that might be!
And now (thunder and lightening!) – on with the show!
Pre-act I
A projection showing war scenes; possible stock footage from old movies, or else a dimly lit (or backlit) scene behind a scrim with the actors going through the motions of a battle. Ending the scene with a soldier (Kinesias) getting punched in the face by a Spartan soldier will set up later action in the play; but, this should be done so that Kinesias’ face is not visible.
Act I, Scene 1
Ajax and Botox are in bed. He is reading “The Odyssey” – he’s
also rather hard of hearing!
Botox: Dear, do you think that you’re EVER going to finish reading that book?
Ajax: Look at what, dear?
Botox: No, book, BOOK! You’ve been reading the same thing for 10 years! What could possibly be so interesting?
Ajax: Are you serious? This is – LITERATURE! HISTORY! The tale of Greece in her finest hours…
Botox: You mean in her days of war! Is that all you men ever think about?
Ajax: What’s that?
Botox: Battles? Campaigns? Bloodshed?
Ajax (Closes book): What else is there? The glory!
Botox: Yes, dear, I know – I’ve been hearing it for 30 years. We raised our son on war – not that I think it was such a great idea…
Ajax: Our son – What a fine young man!
Botox: Oh, yes, I suppose – though sometimes I think he may be a bit TOO devoted to the war. Doesn’t even have time for a wife and family…
Ajax: Always time for that later, woman! Right now, he’s doing his duty for Athens! Fighting for our motherland! Defending our honor…
Botox: …While we women wait to see if our husbands or sons will come home
again! And mourn with those whose don’t …Not to mention having to
do all the “man’s work” in the fields to keep you hungry warriors
fed…
Ajax: Ahhh, you’re talking trash, woman!
Botox: Ooohhh, you - MEN! At least back in the old days, they had some idea
of what they were fighting for. (Point to book and sighs) Poor Helen –
I’m sure she never dreamed that she’d be the reason that hundreds
of battles would be fought.
I’ll bet no one even remembers why THIS war started…
Ajax: What are you talking about!?! It’s those damned filthy Spartan pigs! Why, they…ummmm…they…
Botox: You see? I thought so!
Ajax: Harrumpf! (Goes back to reading)
Botox (Sighs again): I remember going to Sparta with my parents – we
had such wonderful vacations there, and the people were so warm and friendly.
A bit…different, perhaps, but still…
And of course, our honeymoon, dear…don’t you remember?
Ajax: Oooo, yeah! – we really painted the town red, didn’t we, Botox?
Botox: We sure did, tiger…
Ajax: Beautiful place…
But that was before those filthy Spartan pigs…ummm…well, whatever
they did…
Botox: I suppose so…Well, maybe I’m just a silly old woman, Ajax,
but I certainly miss the old days. Things were so much nicer then…
(Lights out)
Act I, Scene 2
Kinesias’ House, beginning outside
(Glaukos and Tartaros enter, carrying Kinesias on a stretcher. He should be wrapped in bandages so that he won’t later be recognized as Harry).
Kinesias: Oooowwww, can’t you be a bit more gentle? Owwwww, y’know, I’m wounded, here!
Glaukos: Sorry, man – we’re trying! You’re not exactly a featherweight, though…
Tartaros: Yeah, maybe you should let up a bit on the baklava…
Kinesias: Owwwwww…..
(They reach the door of the house, knock and enter)
Glaukos: We greet thee, Myrrhine, wife of Kinesias, hero of Athens, who fought
bravely and with honor upon the field of battle…
(Myrrhine is crocheting doilies, continuing to do so throughout the scene, and whenever possible as we see her during the action of the play)
Myrrhine (interrupts, echoing him): ….”upon the field of battle”…Yeah,
yeah, all right…I know the routine. (sighs) Just lay him on the bed.
So, what’s wrong this time?
Tartaros: Looks like his nose is broken, he’s missing three teeth, and also a few broken ribs…
Kinesias: (Moans)
Tartaros: …the sixth one on the right side, third on the left….
Myrrhine: Okay, okay. Doesn’t sound so bad this time! So, when do you need him back?
Glaukos: Well, if possible, great lady, in three days. We’re launching a definitive battle against the filthy Spartan pigs, and we’ll need every man on the field…
Myrrhine: Oh, another “definitive battle”? (chuckles) Well, I’ll see what I can do…
Kinesias: (moans)
Glaukos: We bid thee farewell, Myrrhine, wife of Kinesias, hero of Athens, who fought bravely upon the field of battle…
Myrrhine: (interrupts): Yeah, OK, fare thee well yourselves!
(Soldiers salute, leave. On the way out, Glaukos puts his arm over Tartaros’
shoulder)
Glaukos: Hey, what about them Gladiators?
Tartaros: Yeah, did you see that last discus throw?
Glaukos: Awesome, man…
(They exit)
Kinesias: (moan)
Myrrhine: All right, “great hero” - so tell me what happened this time…
Kinesias: (lisping): I got on the wrong end of a Spartan’s fist…
Myrrhine (Puts down crocheting): Look, doll, I’m sorry, I just don’t
have the time to be playing nursemaid today. Besides, it looks like they did
a pretty good job of patching you up… Since when is the Army so considerate?
Listen - Lysistrata has invited me for coffee; not just me, but every woman
on the block! I’m dying with curiosity, and I wouldn’t miss it for
the world – even though it means skipping “All My Children”!
I don’t suppose you could watch it and tell me what happens…
Kinesias: (Moans)
Myrrhine: Oh, it’s not that bad…See you later, snookums… (Pats K’s head)
Kinesias: MOAN!
(lights out)
ACT I, Scene 3
Lysistrata’s House, same afternoon. Jocasta, Botox and Feta are already
there, seated at a table.
Lysistrata: Some more coffee, ladies?
Botox: I’d love some, but I’d better watch my blood pressure.
Jocasta (Jewish mother accent): Lysistrata, the coffee is just marvelous today! WHERE did you find it?
Feta: And the cake…. THE CAKE! Mmmmm…
(Ladies are gossiping --- Botox: “So I told him, but do you think he
listens to me?”
Feta :“And the music…THE MUSIC!”
Jocasta: “So then she says, How about this new color?! Jungle Red. Isn’t
it just divine?”!)
(Myrrhine rings doorbell; Lysistrata answers)
Lysistrata: Hello, Myrrhine!
Myrrhine: Hello, Lysistrata.
Lysistrata: Come in, come in! Now we’re almost all here.
Myrrhine: Oh, good, I was sure I’d be the last….
Feta: Oh, hi, Myrrhine. Haven’t seen you in forever…(Myrrhine greets each in turn)
Myrrhine: Hi, Feta! So good to see you…up and around! (Air kisses.) (To Jocasta): Oooh, Jocasta, I just LOVE the nails! (Sits down, takes out her crocheting and begins to work on it). And Botox, darling, you just never seem to age – Not a wrinkle! WHAT is your secret?
Botox( a bit defensive): Oh, now - just clean living and fresh air…
Lysistrata, my dear, when will you finally tell us why you’ve invited us all over today?
Lysistrata: Patience, doll…we’re still expecting a guest.
Myrrhine: Really? Who else is coming?
Lysistrata: My friend, Lampito.
Myrhinne: Lampito? Funny name, dear – I don’t believe I know her…
Lysistrata: Well, she’s not from around here. She’s a Spartan.
Ladies (all together): A SPARTAN!!!
Botox: YOU INVITED A SPARTAN?
Feta: WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?
Jocasta: Well, I simply will not be seated at a table with a Spartan! They ARE the enemy, you know!
Lysistrata: Ladies, please - Pipe down and listen to yourselves!
Myrrhine: She’s right, you know. We’re sounding exactly like our idiot menfolk…
Botox: It’s this silly war. Why, I remember when some of my best friends were Spartans. So much has changed…
Feta: Y’know, I don’t actually think I’ve ever seen a Spartan. I wonder – I wonder if it’s true what they say about them?
Myrrhine: Why, I can’t recall knowing any myself – But I do hear that they’re – different.
Botox: Now, now, when I was younger, I got to know a number of Spartans – visited there myself – many times! Their ideas ARE a bit strange, and their life is certainly harder than ours, but when you get to know them…Well, they were quite lovely people, really…
Feta: But how will a Spartan get in here? The city is completely surrounded by guards and soldiers…
Lysistrata: Believe me, you don’t know Lampito (Knock on door)….Why, that must be her now!
(Lampito enters. S/he is what Dolly Parton would look like if dressed in a country version of a Greek dress, possibly with gingham and frills)
Lampito (Best Minnie Pearl imitation!): HOOOOWWDEEEEE!
Lampito and Lysistrata, embrace, together: WOMEN UNITE!
Lampito: Lysistrata!
Lysistrata: Lampito!
(They kiss – much more than an “air kiss”!)
Lysistrata (to women): Ladies, let me introduce my good friend, the Spartan, Lampito.
All, a bit hesitant: Hello.
Lampito (All Southern charm – especially toward Feta): Well, howdy yourselves, ladies! So fine to make your acquaintance!
Lysistrata: So, tell us, how did you manage to get past the fortifications?
Lampito: Oh, tweren’t nothin’ - The guards were even dumber than I expected. They’re lying naked and tied up in the bushes, like a couple of trussed turkeys…
Ladies: WHAT!?!
Lampito: Oh, girls, now I simply turned on my feminine wiles - and showed them
a bit of tit to lure them into the bushes. (And Zeus knows, I’ve got more
than a “bit to show”)! Anyhow, once they were off guard it was a
simple matter to overpower them (does a few kung fu moves), tie them up, take
the keys to the gates…and here I am.
Feta:(Very taken by this foreign creature): Well, you certainly do look like you could take on a few soldiers – You do! You just seem so fit and strong – why, I’ll bet you could…strangle a bull!
Lampito: Why, yes indeed-ee, I do believe I could! You know us Spartan girls – we work in the fields, lasso the cows, practice martial arts (demos a few more moves) – and I’m just a whiz with the javelin!
Lysistrata (with a bit of a leer): Which explains those superb bosoms!
Lampito: Why, thank you, honey! But, really, I’m just a plain-Jane ‘ol country gal…
Anyway, wouldn’t our soldiers just shit to find out that I’ve accomplished in an afternoon what they’ve been trying to do for thirty years with their battering rams!
Jocasta – Oh, my!
Myrrhine – Well it is rather funny, isn’t it?
(All chuckle, a bit nervously).
Lysistrata: OK, so we’ve finally come to the point. If I may have everyone’s
attention. (Taps on coffee cup)
For thirty years now, the Spartans have been trying to kill us, and we’ve
been trying to kill the Spartans. No one even remembers why this ridiculous
battle started in the first place! Athens used to be a swinging town; now, everyone’s
become paranoid about “national security” and is totally uptight!
The reason I’ve invited you here today is because I’ve reached the
conclusion that we women are sick to death of the endless wargames that the
men are playing.
Myrrhine: The gods only know!
Ever since I can remember, it’s been the same thing; he goes to the battlefield
in the morning, the Athenians bang heads with the Spartans, he comes back in
pieces, I fix him up at night… then back to the battlefield in the morning….
Botox: My neighbor’s husband came home last month with only one leg! But does that mean he gets to retire? Please! Then yesterday he lost his left arm. Thank Zeus mine still is in one piece – But, it’s REALLY getting tiresome…
Lysistrata: Exactly! And because we’re all sick and tired of all these battles, it’s time for us women to do something about it!
Jocasta: Oy, please, don’t get me mixed up with this!
Feta: The men do exactly as they please. What are we women supposed to do? WHAT can we do?
Lampito: Why, sugar, I bet you can do whatever you put your cute little mind to…
Myrrhine: Really now - We don’t know anything about politics….
Lampito: So? The way I look at it, for 30 years both sides have been spending ungodly sums of money on weapons designed to make souvlaki out of each other! And what good has it done them? You think those idiots know anything about politics?
Lysistrata: OK, let’s have some quiet please! Now, listen, here’s the plan. Step one: We’re going to take control of the Acropolis.
Jocasta (incredulous): The Acropolis? Why not Mt. Olympus?
Myrrhine: You’ve got to be kidding!
Feta: How are a bunch of women supposed to take over the Acropolis? They’ll toss us off the top – IF we get that far!
Botox: Ridiculous!
Lampito: Oh, taking the Acropolis should be as easy as lassoing a 3-legged heifer!! Lysistrata tells me that it’s just guarded by a few old men, and we should be able to overtake the old geezers, no problem! (Does a few more Kung Fu moves).
Botox: It just so happens that one of those “old geezers” is my
husband, and let me tell you…You’re absolutely right! They need
the young men for the battlefield, and actually, it shouldn’t be any problem
taking control from the “grandpas” they leave up there to guard
it.
But, why do we want the Acropolis in the first place?
Jocasta: Yeah, what are we supposed to do up there, anyway?
Lysistrata: Well, first of all, that’s where the treasury is, and all the money they’ve got hoarded to buy weapons is in the treasury.
Botox: So?
Feta: Oh, wait, I get it - I get it! No money, no weapons – no weapons, no war!
Lysistrata: Exactly! And then, when we’ve taken over the Acropolis, we’re going to let the men know what happens when Women Unite!
Jocasta: And, darling, just what is that supposed to mean?
Lysistrata: We’re going to refuse them!
Myrrhine: What?
Lampito: Oh, it’s very simple, really; if they make war, no more nookie!
Lysistrata: Exactly!
Myrrhine: What?!?!?!?
Feta: Lysistrata, you’re crazy!
Myrrhine: This is nuts!
Feta: How am I supposed to tell him we’re not having sex?
Jocasta: I mean, really, can’t we just, I don’t know, stop doing their laundry or something?
Botox: Please, do you think those slobs would ever notice?
Lampito: I’m telling you, Lysistrata’s plan is as foolproof as getting heartburn in a Greek diner! By going on strike and withholding sex, we’ll be able to end the war in three shakes of a grapeleaf!
Myrrhine: (suspicious): Wait a minute…suppose we did get our men to stop fighting…What about the Spartans?
Lampito: Not to worry - the women of Sparta have already agreed to the plan. We’ll make the same arrangements as you—absolutely no sex until those fools stop their fighting!
Feta: I simply can’t do this. My husband is an insatiable animal; he’ll just force himself on me.
Lysistrata: Then come stay with us on the Acropolis. The fortifications are practically indestructible; no man will be allowed in without special permission!
Jocasta: But what about my poor little boy? My bubala would be lost without me…
Lysistrata: Well, I suppose we could make an exception for a child…How old is your son?
Jocasta: Twenty-two…
Lysistrata: Dear, I think perhaps it’s time to let that one fend for himself…
Myrrhine: Aren’t you forgetting something? What about the “temple priestesses”?
Botox: “Temple priestesses” – HAH!
Feta: You’re right; you’re right! The men will just go pay the whores!
Myrrhine: (aside) As if yours doesn’t already…
Feta: What was that!?!
Myrrhine: Nothing, dear…
Lysistrata: Ladies, I’ve already made all the necessary arrangements with them. They’re going on strike as well! We’re going to pay them from the money in the treasury. They’ll earn just as much, and won’t have to do a thing for it!
Lampito: Now ain’t THAT a hoot and a half!
Jocasta: Y’know, after the initial shock, I’m slowly beginning to like this idea!
Feta: Me too! Me too!
Botox: It just might work!
Myrrhine: Count me in, Lysistrata!
Jocasta: Well, it’s worth a shot!
Myrrhine: No more sex! Well, that’ll free up an extra, what? – 5 minutes a day for the laundry…!
(Ladies all laugh)
Feta: Speak for yourselves – Glaukos would have me on my back 24/7!
Lampito: Why, you poor little lamb…
Lysistrata: Ladies, I knew I could count on all of you! We’re going to show the men that we’re not the helpless creatures they make us out to be! Now, I just need your help to get the rest of the women in Athens signed on to this, and it’s a go!
Myrrhine: Girls, raise those coffee cups high: WOMEN UNITE!
All: WOMEN UNITE!
Feta: Y’know, if we’re going to do this, we’re just going to HAVE to come up with a better slogan. “Women unite, women unite” – not very catchy…Who wants to form a committee?
Lampito: Mmmmm, count me in, Sugar!
ACT I, Scene 4
Athenian Market, outside the Gymnasium – Several days later. Hoplos and
Liberatses talking.
Liberatses: So, Hoplos, where is this superboy? Huh?
Hoplos: Shit! I don’t see him anywhere…
Liberatses: You don’t see him? (sighs) You drag me through half of Athens to show me the “most gorgeous man in Greece”, and he’s not here any more?
Hoplos: No, he’s not! What am I supposed to do about it?
Liberatses: Well, it’s not the end of the world…There are bound to be some other “lookers” around.
Hoplos: I’m telling you, though, nothing like this one! A figure like a marble statue; an Apollo! A GOD - Looks like he came straight from Olympus!
Liberatses: Straight, huh? Anyway, look at that one…Not bad!
Hoplos: Who?
Liberatses: The big one over there, with the tattoos…Man!
(Glaukos appears – he’s been working out at the gym, and is waiting for Tartaros)
Hoplos: Nah, he’s too muscle-bound for me; I don’t like it when they’re that big. Besides, I do like me a bit of “man-fur”!
Liberatses: Y’know, it’s really crazy. I’m a total pacifist and completely against this ridiculous war, but show me a big brute in uniform and I start to salivate like one of Pavlovion’s dogs…
(Tartaros joins Glaukos; they engage in some “manly” play, snapping towels at each other, some friendly roughhousing)
Hoplos: WAIT! THERE HE IS!
Look, the one on the left…Couldn’t you just DIE!
Liberatses: Amazing…
(Incognitos enters and hides behind a column, also looking at the two soldiers)
Hoplos: Isn’t he? FLAW – LESS! No blemishes, that manly hair on
his chest, those two nipples like perfect little rosebuds…
(Sigh)! What I wouldn’t give for just…to just…hear a few syllables
spill out of those succulent lips!
(Tartaros and Glaukos exit)
Liberatses: Oh, please – you really are a hopeless romantic! Anyway, that one is young, straight, and WAY out of reach!
Hoplos: Maybe so – but, I can dream, can’t I?
Liberatses: Yeah, I suppose - but it looks like you’ve got competition ! Get a look at who’s standing next to the column over there….
Hoplos: Who is that? Looks familiar, but I just can’t place him…
Liberatses: Of course you can! He’s a Saturday night regular at Club Adonis…
Hoplos: Incognitos! That’s Incognitos!?! What’s he doing in uniform? I thought he was a hairdresser!
Liberatses: Well, unless I’m very much mistaken, that uniform means that he’s a general in the army! And not just ANY general – top brass!
Hoplos: No way! Why would he tell us he’s a hairdresser?
Liberatses: Oh, please, it’s that ridiculous “don’t ask, don’t tell” stuff! They consider gays a security risk; he’d be thrown right out!
Hoplos: I’m sorry, I just don’t get it.
Liberatses: Well, you know, “He might prefer poking his men in the rear to killing people…”
Hoplos: Yeah, if he’s got any brains…
Liberatses: I don’t know; Greece was once known for its tolerance. Then the war started, and people got so…conservative….
Hoplos: Yeah, it’s weird, isn’t it? The way things are now, Alexander himself couldn’t have a boyfriend!
Liberatses: Shhh, better watch yourself – Say that too loud, and someone
will sue you…
C’mon, I’ve got to get to work at the club. The show’s going
to start soon, and “Miss Thing” is trying out her new number tonight…The
booze will flow tonight!
Hoplos: (Sarcastic) Not to mention the mascara! I shudder in antici…..pation…
(Lights out)
ACT I, Scene 5 Same afternoon.
Outside the walls of the Acropolis, and on the Acropolis. A banner reading “Women
Unite” hangs on the side of the Acropolis.
(ABOVE, on Acropolis. Lysistrata, Myrrhine, Feta, Lampito and Botox are looking
down)
Myrrhine: Isn’t it wonderful, Lysistrata? The whole Acropolis, just for us. No soldiers, no priests, no tourists…
Feta: And the view….THE VIEW!
Lampito (leering at Feta): Oh, yes, I’d say the view is just spectacular, honey.
(Ajax and Glaukos appear below. They mime testing the gate of the Acropolis, finding it locked)
Feta – Oh, no – There’s my husband! He can’t see me up here – he can’t! (Feta leaves)
Botox: Uh-oh, we’re in trouble now; the soldiers are coming…
Lysistrata: Don’t worry, hon – The fun’s just beginning!
(BELOW)
Glaukos: Well, the gate is locked.
Hey, get a load of that blonde! (Points at Lampito)
Tartaros: Yea, wow – but, how’d those women get up there?
Glaukos: I don’t know, but we’d better find out; the Major General is on his way!
Tartaros: Where’s that old guy who guards this place?
Glaukos: I think I saw him hiding behind some columns – let me go get him!
(Glaukos exits)
(The women above, especially Lampito, begin cat calling to Tartaros below. “Hey
handsome! Yeah you! The one with the sexy buns! Etc.
Tartaros is embarrassed by the attention, but does lean over just a bit to show
off his…assets! )
(Glaukos reenters with Ajax)
Glaukos: Now, tell us again what happened, old man?
Ajax: Well, there we were at the gate, when suddenly they were swarming all over us; thousands of wild-eyed, raging she-wolves, with poisonous breath and foaming mouths…
Glaukos: From what I can see, those women up there look pretty normal to me…All except for that blonde. (Wolf whistles). I’d like to get me a piece of that one - Huh, Tartaros?
Tartaros: Ooh, yeah!
Old soldier: WHAT DID YOU SAY? NORMAL WOMEN? I’ve been fighting the Spartans for 30 years; do you think I’d let normal women get past me?
(General Incognitos arrives)
Incognitos: (to soldiers) What’s going on here?
Glaukos: It would appear a horde of crazed women has taken possession of the Acropolis, General Incognitos, sir…
Incognitos: WOMEN? (laughs) Well, order them to come down here immediately!
Tartaros: I’m afraid that won’t work, sir…They’ve bolted the gate, and the Acropolis is unassailable.
Incognitos: Unassailable? Then how did they get up there in the first place?
Ajax: I’m telling you, they must have used witchcraft to turn themselves into she-demons! They were belching fire and brimstone, and….
Glaukos: Sir! They simply pushed this old fossil aside and marched right in.
Ajax: Fossil! Who’re you calling a fossil, you whippersnapper?
Incognitos: Soldier, I would suggest you show some respect. This “fossil” happens to be… an honored veteran. (Gives the old man a pat on the back)
Glaukos: My apologies, sir!
Tartaros: Begging your pardon, General, sir, something is going on up there…
(From above)
Lysistrata: Hey, Incognitos, y’ old coot. How’s it goin’?
Incognitos: WHAT’S THAT? IT’S MAJOR GENERAL, if you please! And who are you? What are you doing up there?
Lysistrata: Allow me to introduce myself: My name is Lysistrata, and I’m responsible for this strike.
Incognitos: Strike? What strike? Give up and come down here immediately!
(to Glaukos): Lysistrata…why does that sound familiar…?
Glaukos: Let me see what we have on her, sir…(Pulls out palm pilot, types a little) Oh, she’s a bad one, sir…chronic malcontent. Organized the sit-ins at the sword factories, one of the leaders of the Diana-fest, started the peace demonstrations a few years back…(stage whisper) And, Sir, it’s rumored she’s a “friend of Sappho”…
Incognitos: What? All right, enough already!
But what does she want?
Lysistrata: Oh, what “she” wants is very simple, Incognitos. We’re going to make ourselves very comfortable up here, until you’ve signed a peace treaty with the Spartans.
Incognitos: A PEACE TREATY? So, this little intrigue involves those damned filthy Spartan pigs. Well, it’s not so simple, Lysistrata.
(Aside to Tartaros) – Blast them out of there!
Tartaros – But, sir…
Incognitos: No “buts”, soldier. Get the catapults, fill them with rocks and burning tar, and bomb the hell out of them! That’s an order, soldier!
Tartaros: Your Excellency, I’m not questioning your orders, but there
are at least fifty women up there…
Incognitos: Ahhh, they’ll all come out as soon as the first pebble falls!
Tartaros: But, what about the Acropolis, sir – it IS a unique cultural landmark, with great historical significance…
Incognitos: Culture, my ass, soldier! The victory over the Spartans is at stake here. BOMB THE ACROPOLIS!
Tartaros: Yes, sir! (Exits with Glaukos)
Botox: (From above) Yoo-hoo, Sweety-pie…
Sweety-pie, here I am, up here….
Incognitos: What? What are YOU doing up there? Did they force you? Are you hurt?
Botox: Hurt? Oh, no…I came here voluntarily! Isn’t Lysistrata’s plan just divine, Sweety-pie?
Incognitos: Plan? WHAT? GET DOWN HERE RIGHT NOW!
Botox: Y’know, Sweety-pie, from up here I can tell that you’ve put on a bit of weight: I can’t see your toes…
Incognitos: I’m the same weight I was in High School! And, PLEASE don’t call me “Sweety-pie” in public - MOM!
Botox (Mock salute): Oh, yes sir, major general, SIR…
Tartaros (re-enters): The catapults are in position and ready to fire on your orders, sir…
Incognitos: Good.
WAIT – WHAT?
ARE YOU CRAZY? My mother’s up there!
Mom – for the last time, get down here this minute!
Botox: I don’t think so, dear…WOMEN UNITE!
Incognitos: Women unite? What’s with this “women unite”?
Tartaros: No idea, sir…
Lysistrata: I’ll tell you, “Sweety-pie”, here’s the deal…The Acropolis is ours, and it stays that way until the war is ended.
Incognitos (To Lysistrata): You know, ending a war is not so simple – there’s a lot to consider. The Spartans aren’t ready for self-government. Pulling out now could result in a shift in the balance of power. We’ve got to “stay the course”…
Lysistrata: Yeah, right! You’ve been “staying the course”
for thirty years, and what good has it done. Here’s the deal – the
war ends, or we’re staying up here. And I suggest you finish it soon –
then you won’t suffer as much….
Incognitos: Suffer? Did she say “suffer”? What’s she talking about?
Tartaros: I don’t know, sir, but I have a feeling we’re going to find out…
ACT I, Scene 6
Kitchen of Glaukos/Feta home
(In the kitchen; Feta is shelling peas, or pitting olives, or peeling grapes…Glaukos goes over to hug her, and she pushes him away, playfully enough that it appears she wants to get on with the task at hand)
Glaukos: So, have you heard? Iglesias’ wife is on strike!
Feta: Oh, really?
Glaukos: She must have gone off the deep end! She says she’s not letting Iglesias back into bed with her until the war is ended!
Feta: Oh, I know, I know…
Glaukos: Heh, heh, the poor guy! If she’s really planning on keeping him away until the end of the war, he’s going to have it rough…It could go on forever…
Feta: Oh, I think all the men will be suffering.
Glaukos: What’s that?
Feta: Suffering, darling – suffering! You see, all the women in Athens are abstaining.
Glaukos: What do you mean, “abstaining”?
Feta: Just what I said. Until the war is over, no more sex. No More Sex!
Glaukos: What kind of crazy idea is that? Have the women all gone nuts? First they take over the Acropolis, and now this. I’ll bet that Lysistrata behind this too!
Feta: Very clever, dear.
Glaukos: Let me tell you, what that woman needs is a real man who can show her who the boss is…(He hugs her from behind. She is still unresponsive; he lets go, and starts to undress. Then, slowly realizing…) Wait a minute…If every woman in Athens is abstaining…That would include… you…
Feta: Well, that certainly took you a while!
Glaukos: Now wait, let me get this right…
(Again, hugs Feta – then says, flirting): You don’t plan on having
sex with me?
Feta: Until the war is over…NO! (Pushes him away) NO!
Glaukos: WHAT?!? (Changes tactics, very sweet) But, Feta, baby, darling… you don’t really want to disappoint “Mr. Eveready”, do you?
Feta: Sorry, dear. All the women have agreed to this, and I can’t disappoint them. I CAN’T!
Glaukos: And you think I’m just going to put up with this?
Feta: Just what choice do you think you have, dear? As soon as I’ve finished
dinner, I’m going to join the others on the Acropolis.
(Boldly) And I might add – I’m looking forward to the rest!
(Glaukos is stunned)
Say, what do you think of this slogan–
“Just Say No”!
(Lights out)
ACT I, Scene 7
Kinesias' house – Myrrhine is dragging her mattress through the living
room.
Kinesias: (New bandages, still covering face): What’s going on here?
Myrrhine: Just changing the bed, dear!
Kinesias: Changing the bed? Into what? It looks like you’re taking it apart…
Myrrhine: (A bit nervous) Oh, does it…?
Kinesias: And what, may I ask, are you planning to do with it?
Myrrhine: Well, honey, y’know, all of the women in the city are going up to the Acropolis and abstaining from sex, in protest of the war… And I’m going with them!
Kinesias: WHAT?!?!
Myrrhine: …and since I don’t want you to suffer, lying naked next to me, not able to, well, you know…so I’m just going to take my mattress up to the Acropolis. All the girls are going up there – it should be fabulous!
Kinesias: You want to go up on the Acropolis with all those crazy women? Over my dead body…
Myrrhine: (Writing on post-its, which she puts on Kinesias) There, there, dear – There’s moussaka in the oven, all you have to do is warm it up. (Grabs crochet supplies)
Kinesias: You’re NOT going up there…
Myrrhine: Please don’t forget to water the plants – especially the roses…(Pushing mattress out door)
Kinesias: Myrrhine, please…!
Myrrhine: And be sure to milk the goat – you know how cranky she gets!
Kinesias: Myrrhine, you are staying right here!
Myrrhine: (sexy): Oh, but dear, I’d never get any sleep – with all your moaning…now, give me a hand with this. Ta, ta! (kisses K. on cheek, closes door behind herself)
Kinesias: I… forbid this! (Picks up mattress, follows her)
(Shouts) Myrrhine!
(blackout)
Act I, Scene 8
Ajax and Botox are in bed. Ajax is still reading The Odyssey)
Botox: Ajax?
Ajax (distracted): Yes, dear…
Botox: Are you listening?
Ajax: (still distracted) Yes, Botox, darling….
Botox: The women of Athens are going on strike!
Ajax: The women have stripes?
Botox: No – strike! Strike! We’re going on STRIKE! No more sex until the war is over!
Ajax: So?
Botox: So, as of this moment, we’re not having sex!
Ajax: OH. (Thinks a moment)
But…We haven’t had sex in 10 years.
Botox: True. But as of now, we’re REALLY not having it! Women unite!
(Lights out)
Act I, Scene 9
Club Adonis, Athens' trendiest gay bar.
Liberatses (announcing from sideline, in dark): And now, ladies and… whatever, on behalf of Club Adonis, it gives me great pleasure to present, performing her brand new song, that beauty, that siren, our very own, Hepatitos!
(Hepatitos sings “Helen’s Lament”, dressed in full drag.
Just prior to the song, Harry and Sally enter the theater, a bit noisily –
he’s somewhat tipsy. There might perhaps be a few false starts of the
song as they take their places in the audience):
Helen’s Lament
In sagas of old,
My legend is told,
My beauty has never been matched.
I started a war,
Not because I’m a - “temple priestess”,
It all happened because…I was snatched!
(Chorus)
This is the face,
That launched a thousand ships,
The fabulous face,
that launched a thousand ships!
The one, they said then,
Who made boys into men,
The beautiful Helen of Troy!
Menalaos he thought,
a great wife he had caught,
and he did win me fair and square,
But Paris appeared,
with those golden…apples, my dear,
And I followed him everywhere!
(Chorus) This is the face,
That launched a thousand ships,
The fabulous face,
that launched a thousand ships!
I’m no “apple tart”, (Alternate – “Now I’m
not a tart”)
Had a slight change of heart,
The beautiful Helen of Troy.
So the Greeks crossed the sea
To win back little me,
And one thing gave Greek soldiers an edge:
Their love was far more
Than mere esprit de corps,
Couldn’t drive them apart with a wedge!
(Hepatitos goes off-stage, drags in a large toy pony, which he moves to center stage)
Now I’m quite dejected,
For Troy’s walls disconnected,
When the battle at last ran its course.
(Maybe a smashed plate and a few “opas” here)
Vic’try was the projection, but
The Trojans gave no protection,
They got “tricked” – by a big wooden horse!
(Spoken – Ooh, honey, watch out for those splinters)!
(Chorus) This is the face,
That launched a thousand ships,
The fabulous face,
that launched a thousand ships!
Take care, you can get,
Badly burned, if you pet,
The big, wooden stallion of Troy!
Well, alack and alas,
Troy’s now covered with grass,
The Greek army’s…less friendly, I fear,
(Looking into hand mirror)
But great beauty like yours
Truly’s still opens doors,
(break from music, spoken rapidly) - And you, too, can live a life of glamour
with my patented "Helen of Troy" cosmetics! Just log in to “www.helenswarpaint.com"
for a full line of fabulous beauty products, including Golden Apple eye shadow
and Burn the Walls Down lip gloss...
(Final chorus) This is the face,
That launched a thousand ships,
The fabulous face,
that launched a thousand ships!
Men died, cities shook,
But I’m worth it – just look!
The beautiful Helen of Troy!
- (Repeat final line - changes to) the delicate, fabulous, gorgeous, spectabulous,
- modest,
HELEN OF TROY!
(The song ends, applause from the audience – Hepatitos sits at the bar,
talking to Liberatses)
Liberatses: Gorgeous, doll! Helen herself couldn’t have done it better!
Hepatitos: Flattery will get you everywhere – except a date!
Liberatses: Hah, hah - Same to you, bitch! A date - I don’t even remember what one of those is…Where’s that “esprit de corps” when you need it?
Hepatitos (Suddenly pulls off wig, very upset – almost sobbing): Oh, Liberatses,
I’m so upset – Something – horrible happened today…
Liberatses: Hepatitos! What’s wrong? Oh, gosh, don’t cry – your makeup will start to run…
Hepatitos: (Sob!) Who cares about makeup at a time like this? I’m talking
about LIFE and DEATH! And sex! And (sob) love!
Dahling, I’d KILL for an ouzo …
(Liberatses goes behind bar, and pours one for Hepatitos. Hoplos joins them, is waved to take a seat by Liberatses, who signals that Hepatitos is telling a story. H. continues…):
So, I’m on the way to see my dermatologist because, wouldn’t you
know it, my skin is flaring up again…well, anyway, I’m passing by
the city gate when all of a sudden I hear this piercing scream – “The
battle is over; the battle is over”.
So then, they open the gate, and start carrying in the dead and wounded from
the field. And then I think to myself “Hepatitos, you’ve always
been curious about what goes on out there”, so I sneak by the guards,
out past the city wall.
Hoplos: And?
Hepatitos: Girls, I’m telling you; ABSOLUTE PORN HEAVEN!
You should have seen it; a hundred, no, make that FIVE hundred, tanned, muscular,
delicious, half-naked men, in the most delightful positions…(deadpan)
and all dead as doornails.
Hoplos (contemplating the image): Y’know, Hepatitos, sometimes I really worry about you…But this war is crazy.
Liberatses: Thirty years, and absolutely nothing good to show for it.
Hepatitos: EXACTLY! But wait, I’m not finished yet…
So, I’m standing there, totally shaken by the senseless waste of gorgeous
manhood, when suddenly I hear this faint voice from the field crying –
“Water! Water!”
I look around and see a Spartan; a big, hunky, blue-eyed, curly haired Spartan. He’s badly wounded and has been lying helpless in the blazing sun…So, I go to him and he says (southern accent) “Beautiful woman, please, have pity and bring me some water”!
Liberatses: “Beautiful woman”!?! Right! Since when are the Spartans using blind soldiers?
Hepatitos: Please, Liberatses, no nasty cracks. He was dying, and with his failing eyes he took me for a woman – What’s so funny about that?
Hoplos: OK, go on already…
Hepatitos: Suddenly I was overcome by maternal instincts! I remembered some
long-forgotten first aid rules, and ripped off my blouse (you know, the sea-green
Calvin Klinon from Paris…)…anyway, I tore it into pieces and bound
his wounds so he wouldn’t bleed to death….Then, I went running to
find water, and finally came across a half-full canteen alongside an Athenian
soldier who wouldn’t be using it any more. I raced back to my beautiful
Spartan boy, who looks up at my now-bare chest and says…( continue southern
accent) ”Hey, you’re a man”!
“Oh, no” I say, “it’s just a hallucination from loss
of blood – the sun’s in your eyes…” “Gods”!
He says, “You’re a fuckin’ transvestite”!
“So what”? I say. “I’m also an Athenian. Now, drink
up!”
“You can keep your stinkin’ water” he says, “and your
filthy bandages too”. He pulls them off and says, “I’d rather
die than let an Athenian queer take care of me”.
Liberatses: GODS!
Hepatitos: And just like that (snaps fingers), he did.
Hoplos: That is just…horrible.
Hepatitos: Isn’t it though? (sobbing) And you know what the worst part is? I ripped up my beautiful sea-green blouse for that Spartan asshole!
Hoplos: I’m telling you, this war is absurd. The heteros are crazy; they all belong in the nuthouse.
Liberatses: Well, it’s not just the heteros….
Hepatitos: Oh, please, you don’t seriously think one of these fags would pick up a sword, do you…?
Liberatses: Well…Do you know Incognitos, the hairdresser?
Hepatitos: What about him?
Liberatses: Well, he ain’t no hairdresser!
Hoplos: He’s a general in the army – a BIG one!
Hepatitos: WHAT!?!
That fairy? Impossible!
Hoplos: Well, just remember that you heard it here, first!
Hepatitos: Well, isn’t THAT interesting!…(sighs) Not much place for us queers in this war-town, is there? But, someday, all this will be past, and then…maybe…we’ll get some of the respect that we deserve!
Liberatses: Dream on, sweety! C’mon, time for your “close-up”…
Hepatitos: Oooh, are they watching…? I’m ready…(Purses lips
at audience, very Gloria Swanson)
(lights flare, then out)
Act I, Scene 10
Atop the Acropolis, same day. Lysistrata is talking with a megaphone; Lampito
is watching.
Lysistrata: OK, ladies, here’s the schedule for today. At one oclock, “how to start you own business at home. Three o’clock, Lampito will be teaching “kung foo for Beginners” at the temple of Artemis. And at sunset, we’ll have a group discussion at the Aphrodite forum; The Vagina Monologues – What is it saying?”
.(Myrrhine appears with her mattress and crochet hooks.)
Myrrhine: Well, for better or worse, I’m here to stay, Lysistrata!
Lysistrata: (Laughing) So it would seem…
Lampito: Well, you’ll be sleeping more soundly than the rest of us, sugar!
Myrrhine: Why’s that?
Lysistrata: We’ve discovered a whole bunch of sleeping bags in the supply rooms – They’re bringing them into the dormitory for the other women.
Myrrhine: You mean I schlepped this up here for nothing?
Lampito: Well, let’s just say you’re smarter than the rest of us fools…(Myrrhine exits with mattress)
Lysistrata: (Hugs Lampito) Can you believe it, doll? It’s all going according to plan!
Lampito: Sugar, we’ve been talking about this ever since we met at the All Greece Women’s Poetry Festival and Cultural Retreat – But, it’s hard to believe that it’s finally happening!
Lysistrata: It’s pretty amazing, isn’t it? I’ll bet there are some very surprised husbands down there tonight…
Lampito: And in Sparta! I just hope those guys won’t, you know, take matters
into their own hands…
Lysistrata: Absolutely not! The priests have them so afraid that they’ll
grow hair on their palms and go straight to Hades that they’d sooner die…
Trust me, within a few weeks they’ll be so desperate that this stupid
war will be a distant memory…
Meanwhile, the women will be learning all sorts of things to empower them when
they do go back their husbands. It’ll be a new age for the women of Greece!
Lampito: Mmmm, mmmm! It is pretty wonderful, Lysistrata. Now you know that I
don’t have anything against men, though our guys in Sparta are pretty
wimpy. But look -All of these women coming together and not a single man to
be seen…
Lysistrata: Yeah, well, pretty soon the men down there will be so frustrated
that they’ll have to agree to peace! And once that happens, who cares
about politics…?(She kisses Lampito, again)
Lampito: Meanwhile, sugar - no reason for US to be frustrated, is there? C’mon, hotlips - Let’s go to bed! (They kiss again)
Harry (from audience, as lights go down): OOOH, YEAH!
ACT I, Scene 11
Outside Club Adonis, next afternoon. A short “mimed” scene–Hepatitos
is about to enter the bar when, one by one, Glaukos, Tartaros, and finally,
Ajax, walk by – each sporting an obvious erection under his tunic, Ajax’s
the largest by far!). Hepatitos watches them go by in increasing amazement,
then enters the club, in shock.
ACT I, Scene 12
Club Adonis. Liberatses is cleaning the bar.
Hepatitos: Liberatses, pinch me!
Liberatses: Why?
Hepatitos: I must be dreaming, or else I woke up in a fantasy world! Every man I passed on the street has a huge, full blown– erection!
Liberatses: Oh, that.
Hepatitos: OH, THAT?!? What’s in the name of Apollo is going on here?
Liberatses: Well, princess, maybe if you got up before noon sometime and listened to the news you’d be up on these things!? The women of Athens have taken over the Acropolis – and they’re not just up there for a tour of the sights! They’re planning on staying until the war with Sparta has ended – and until then, they’re abstaining from sex!
Hepatitos: NO! (laughing) Oh, my – that is just – too much!
Liberatses: (Chuckling) YES! And judging from all those “full baskets” out there, it looks like the strike is already having an effect.
Hepatitos: Wild! But, I mean, why don’t these guys just, y’know, take care of themselves?
Liberatses: Please, girl, you’re talking about heteros here. They’re convinced that they’ll go to Hades if they jerk off – So naïve!
Harry (from seat): THIS PLAY SUCKS!
Sally: (loud whisper) Harry! What’s the matter with you? Quiet down - everyone’s looking at you…
Harry: That fairy just said that heteros are naïve!
Sally: So?
Harry: SO? DON’T YOU GET IT? HETEROS – HETEROSEXUALS – That’s us – you and me!
Sally: Why are you shouting? Does everyone have to know?
Harry: I don’t believe you – I just don’t believe you!
(Hepatitos and Liberatses glare at the noisy audience members, then exit)
(Lights out)
ACT I, Scene 13
Atop Acropolis. 3 weeks later. Banner now reads “Like a Virgin –
Again”. But, Feta and Lampito are showing a new banner to Lysistrata -
it reads “ Ladies – Willpower”!
Feta: What do you think, Lysistrata? Isn’t it just TOO, too divine?
Lysistrata: Catchy, though I sort’a like the “Virgin” slogan. I think you’re getting, close, though – Keep up the good work, girls. And don’t forget about the afternoon step-aerobics program!
(They exit – Myrrhine enters, disguised in a trenchcoat and bowler hat)
Lysistrata: Ah, it’s our number one spy! Come, give me the news from the front!
Myrrhine: Well, all I can say is, Thank Hera I was in disguise! Every single man looks like he hasn’t slept in weeks, and is walking around with a full erection! They’re so out of it, they don’t even notice each other’s --- condition! It’s like a whole city of drunken men – I even saw poor Iglesias, the grocer, try to break a grape with a nutcracker!
Lysistrata: Oh, this is wonderful news. They can’t possibly hold out much longer!
Myrrhine: I don’t know, Lysistrata; I think they’re still pretty dangerous. Do you know Klementine, the widow?
Lysistrata: Of course, poor old thing. Face like a gorgon…They say her husband died from ugliness…
Myrrhine: Exactly; men usually run in the other direction when they see her coming. Well, she was doing her shopping when she walked by Igelsias, who’s normally about as shy and gentle as a man can be. Well, not anymore – he chased her around the olive bar, then actually tried to jump on her and rape her!
Lysistrata: Oh, no!
Myrrhine: Fortunately, she had a bottle of Retsina in her shopping cart, and she whacked him over the head with it – knocked him out cold! I got her out of there, and she’s joined us up here on the Acropolis.
Lysistrata: Good thinking!
Myrrhine: Just about all the women are up here now. But, they’re getting pretty restless, Lysistrata – this isn’t easy on us either, y’know.
Lysistrata: Believe me, I understand, but we’ve got to be strong. The men just can’t hold out much longer. You saw what three weeks without sex is doing to them…
Myrrhine: I hope you’re right – but, bad off as they are, all you hear them talk about is killing the “damn” filthy Spartan pigs. It’s like it’s all they’ve got left to think about.
Lysistrata: Myrrhine, you’ve got to have faith. A few more weeks at the most, and the men will be so desperate they’ll be begging for the battle to end!
Myrrhine: I’m with you, Lysistrata, and I’ll do my best to help keep the other women in line. But something better happen, soon!
(Lights out)
ACT I, Scene 14
In Club Adonis, several days later.
(Liberatses and Hoplos are at bar – Incognitos is quietly drinking at a table. Hepatitos enters)
Hepatitos: Y’know, Liberatses – I’ve been thinking about this sex boycott, and I’ve come up with an idea…
Liberatses: Me too, Hepatitos. Just look at this! (Shows H. a belt with a large, bent spoon attached to the front). Isn’t it great?
Hepatitos: What in the name of Mt. Olympus is that supposed to be?
Liberatses: Watch! You just fasten it around your hips, tighten it up, drape your tunic over it and voila! Instant hard-up hetero!
Hepatitos (aside): Why don’t you just take your Viagra?
Liberatses: (not hearing) What’s that?
Hepatitos: Oh, nothing, dear…Look, you can’t possibly be serious! You’re going to strap on a SPOON so that you can look like a sex-starved heterosexual?
Liberatses: Well, it’s not MY fault that these guys never learned to masturbate!
Harry (from audience) WHAT!
Sally (Loud whisper) SHHHH!
Hoplos: Look, Hepatitos, it’s easy for you to talk – everyone knows who and what you are. But people at the store don’t know about me, and all the other guys there have permanent erections! They’re beginning to wonder what’s wrong with me…
Liberatses: Even my mother’s starting to get suspicious, and she CAN’T find out that I’m gay. It would kill her!
Hepatitos: Honey, you’re a 30 year old man who plays piano in Club Adonis,
and has never used the words “woman” and “date” in the
same sentence. If your mother doesn’t know that you’re gay, she’s
dead already!
What is it with you people? You all talk about gay pride, but any time there’s
a chance for some real progress, you’re in the closets faster than last
year’s fashions!
Hoplos: Yeah, well, you don’t have a job at stake. Besides, who’s talking about “progress”?
Liberatses: (into his “erection”) Y’know, I like this thing – kinda flattering, No?
Hepatitos (getting very Charles Busch) – Gods! Don’t you see the
possibilities here? Well, I hope you’re all very happy with your little
hetero-dildos. I have bigger plans – and when I’m done, girls, every
one of you will be kissing my high-heeled feet! (Hoplos, fed up, exits).
Of course, for all this, I’m going to need help (pointing at Incognitos)-
Your help, Major General Incognitos!
Incognitos: (Spitting out drink) What? Who? ME?
Hepatitos: Oh, don’t try to deny it. You try to pass yourself off as a mild-mannered hair burner, but in reality you’re top brass with the army! And wouldn’t the men just love to find out what you really do on your “man-euvers”…
Incognitos: B..b..but - They can’t find out…
Hepatitos: Oh, I can see it now…The scandal! The court martial – Why, they’ll probably give you hemlock, or have you castrated – or worse! Not to mention what this will do to your poor mother…
Incognitos: What do you want from me?
Hepatitos: Oh, nothing much, really – I just want the opportunity to address the soldiers at your next general assembly!
Incognitos: Impossible; civilians aren’t allowed at military meetings!
Hepatitos: Oh, I’m sure a Major General can get around a little thing like that…(Plays with Incognitos’ erection which is an egg-whisk attached to his belt)!
Incognitos: But you’re the best-known transvestite in Athens! Just being seen with you will look suspicious!
Hepatitos: Please… I’ll be in disguise. I do know a thing or two about dressing up, you know…
Incognitos: And what are you planning to say?
Hepatitos: Well, that…we’ll work that out. But, I promise, just a few choice words that will help boost morale…
Incognitos: No, it’s outrageous! I won’t be part of this!
Hepatitos: Well then, you’d better get used to the idea of being Athens’ best known homosexual! Trust me; I can make it happen…
Incognitos (sighs): The next General Assembly is Sunday at 8:00.
Hepatitos: In the evening?
Incognitos: Yes, in the evening.
Hepatitos: Shit, I’ll have to miss “Desperate Housewives”…
(Lights out)
ACT I, Scene 15
The General Assembly of the army. Major General Incognitos is addressing the
soldiers – Tartaros, Glaukos, Oedipus. AJAX will enter later. The men
all have erections! )
Incognitos: Men, the situation is grim. For the past month, the women of Athens
have been under the influence of the terrorist lesbian, Lysistrata, and have
taken over the Acropolis. We’ve had no access to the treasury, and so
have been unable to build new arms to fight the evil Spartans and their weapons
of mass destruction.
Even worse, with the women’s boycott of, ah, relations, there has been
a damaging effect on your…,er, our, physical and psychic preparedness
for war. Face it, men, you’re just not getting it up for your country!
Why, you’re hardly able to get those swords out of their sheaths for our
daily battles…
(Incognitos, cont’d:) The only saving grace is that, Thank Zeus! our enemy
is in the same pitiful condition. (AJAX enters, with his enormous erection,
looking completely pitiful! The men watch as he shuffles to his seat, and then,
exhausted, quickly falls asleep in the chair).
Our spies tell us that their women are also striking, and so the Spartan army
is as weakened as ours. The real tragedy is that we haven’t been able
to take advantage of them in their current state and win this war once and for
all!
Glaukos: Permission to speak, sir?
Incognitos: Granted, soldier!
Glaukos: Maybe we could promise the women, I don’t know, designer dresses or something if they’d come home….
Tartaros: Or shoes…
Oedipus: Or jewelry…
Glaukos: Or maybe we could say we’d help them with the laundry…
(general groan)… on their birthdays, which we’d promise to remember.
Incognitos: Good suggestions, men – I like the way you’re thinking. Unfortunately, we’ve tried all that, and more, but the women haven’t budged. That Lysistrata is a wily one, and has them completely under her spell…
(Hepatitos enters, “disguised” with a Sigmund Freud type beard)
Soldiers, desperate times call for desperate measures, and our situation is becoming desperate! I want you to listen to Doctor Rufeos Westheimeros, who is a world-renowned physician and expert in the area of sexual research. Now, I warn you that some of his findings are --- shocking ---, but please try to listen with open minds.
Glaukos (aside to Tartaros, casually putting his hand on Tartaros’ thigh) – Yeah, I’ve done some “sexual research” myself – some job. Huh, buddy?
Tartaros: Yeah – Heh, heh…
Hepatitos (With a slight German accent. Perhaps some illustrative pictures,
and a pointer…): Gentlemen, for years now, I have been conducting extensive
research in the field of male sexual performance, (nelly) - and the stories
I could tell you…
(regaining “professional” composure) AHEM! Soldiers, the situation
is serious – VERY serious! In fact, I don’t think you have any idea
how bad things really are…
For four weeks now, you’ve…er, we’ve, had no relations with
women, and there’s no relief in sight. Naturally, as General Incognitos
has discussed, this has tremendous military implications. But, I’m here
before you speaking as a physician, and there are medical consequences of extended
abstinence that will soon overtake any concerns about the war…
Needless to say, four weeks without sperm release doesn’t have a beneficial
effect on the male organism. (And of course it also goes without saying that
masturbation isn’t an option).
(All the men, including Harry in the audience, look at their palms).
(Incognitos, embarrassed, ushers AJAX out).
Quite the opposite; the built up sperm begins slowly to act like a poison,
with tragic effects…
I’m sorry, men, but this is going to get technical, and graphic. The first
problem is with the testes; for four weeks they can deal with the build-up of
semen, but by the beginning of the fifth week, it becomes unbearable. Around
this time, the pain begins, as the scrotum begins to turn bluish. This condition,
commonly called “blue balls”, comes from the swelling of the seminal
vesicles, and the backup of fluid into the prostate. As a result of this, the
man is rendered permanently sterile by the end of the fifth week.
But, that’s hardly the worst of it; as all the tissues swell from semen
overload, they produce endless itching, burning, and giant hemorrhoids. There
is no treatment for this, and before long the relentless irritation would drive
most men to suicide. Fortunately (“ “) at this stage of the condition,
relief comes from an unexpected, sinister direction. You see, the overflow of
sperm into the circulation begins to reach the nervous system, where the dreaded
disease called “semen sepsis” sets in to its final stages. At first,
there is a loss of pain receptors, bringing a temporary feeling of relief and
euphoria – just before the brain turns to soup and permanent insanity
results.
(Gasps from soldiers)
Gentleman, I have only once had the unfortunate experience of treating a patient
who, for reasons I can’t begin to discuss, went six weeks without ejaculating.
It was… a horrible sight.
The poor man lay restrained on his bed, his swollen scrotum a pale bluish purple.
He was almost motionless, eyes staring emptily into space, with yellowish-brown
wax dripping continuously from his ears. Every so often, he would take a deep
breath, get a sad look in his eyes, and whisper – “Momma”.
Horrible!
(More gasps from the soldiers. Oedipus collapses to the ground in a fetal position; starts sucking his thumb.)
Fortunately for him, he died shortly afterwards.
Soldiers (horrified): NO!
Hepatitos (continuing): But, let’s not talk about that any more…It’s
only been four weeks, and there’s still time to avoid the horrible consequences
of semen sepsis. But time, my friends, is running out, and we need to act quickly!
I know that the solution to this, which I’m about to present, is going
to be met with strong objections, and even disgust. But I tell you, there is
only one way to save yourselves, and Athens, from a fate far worse than death
on the battlefield.
Soldiers, our women are abstaining, and as I’ve just demonstrated, this
is leading to disaster. Males are built to have sex, and without it their bodies
self-destruct. Men, each and every one of you is a virtual sex machine, and
if you can’t have sex with women, then you must have it…..with men.
(Stony silence)
In professional circles, there’s a term for this – “emergency homosexuality”.
Glaukos (Slowly raises his hand. Hepatitos calls on him): Um, excuse me, are you trying to tell me that all of us have to turn – GAY?
Hepatitos: NO, NO, let me make this perfectly clear. The phenomenon of “emergency homosexuality” has ab-so-lutely NOTHING to do with being gay! It is simply an emergency solution to a desperate situation.
Tartaros: You mean I’m supposed to go to bed – with a man!?!?
Hepatitos: There is no other choice.
Oedipus: What? Crazy!
Glaukos: No way!
Oedipus: Hell, no!
Hepatitos: Perhaps it will interest you to know that the Spartans don’t appear to be quite so opposed to this idea…
Incognitos: What is that supposed to mean?
Hepatitos: Simply that I have heard from my esteemed colleague, Professor Kinseyos, that he has also presented this solution to the Spartan military. Realize, gentlemen, that at a time like this, “emergency homosexuality” can be a superweapon! Whoever uses it first will win the war!
Incognitos: Men, I see no other choice…
Soldiers: NO! NEVER! IMPOSSIBLE!
Incognitos: Soldiers, pull yourselves together. If the Spartans do this first, they will have a huge tactical advantage over us!
Oedipus: Then let them win! I’m not going to screw a man!
Incognitos: I don’t think you understand. Zeus knows this isn’t easy for me to do, but it appears that “emergency homosexuality” is our last and only hope. Giving your all for your country, no matter how repugnant, is your patriotic duty.
As of this moment, operation “Buddy Relief” is in effect! Each of you will have sex with a fellow soldier – tonight!
AND THAT’S AN ORDER! FOR ATHENS!
ACT I, Scene 16
Harry and Sally, in the audience:
Harry: God, Sally, what’s the deal with this theater? Can’t they afford to hire enough actors?
Sally: What?
Harry: (Pleased with himself) Didn’t you realize that the actor in the beard is the same one who plays the transvestite?
Sally: Honey, the actor in the beard IS the transvestite.
Harry: See, that’s what I’m saying….
Sally – (Glares at him)
Harry: What’s the matter?
Sally: Nothing, Harry…Let’s just watch the show….
ACT I, Scene 17
Glaukos’ bedroom. He and Tartaros are sitting on the bed, dressed, on
opposite ends. Both are clearly uncomfortable.
Glaukos: So, um… how about them Gladiators?
(Tartaros glares at him): How can you think about sports at a time like this?
Glaukos: Look, I’m just trying to lighten things up.
“Operation Emergency Homosexuality”. Can you believe this?
Tartaros: They’re out of their minds. What happened to the old days when we used to throw the gays out of the military?
Glaukos: Yeah.
(Pause) All right, look, we’ve got to do this. So, what now?
Tartaros: Oh, I don’t know, I mean…Look man, let’s just get this over with. Maybe we should start out by getting undressed. Maybe that’ll help.
Glaukos: Um, maybe.
(They stand and go to opposite ends of the room, where they strip to their briefs. While undressing, they mutter – “Crazy! Stupid orders! Impossible!”)
Glaukos: OK, so we’ve gotten undressed. Now what’re we supposed to do?
Tartaros: I don’t know. What do gay guys do? I have no idea…Have you ever done it with a guy?
Glaukos: WHAT!?! ME!?! No way!
Tartaros: Well, me, neither.
Glaukos: OK, but – we gotta figure out something…(Crosses to Tartaros,
and bends him down on the bed as he is speaking)
Y’know, you always hear about guys having, you know, ummm… anal
intercourse…
Tartaros: (Jumps up onto bed) OH, NO – NOT ME! OVER MY DEAD BODY!
Glaukos: Hey, I didn’t say I had any intention of doing it. I was just trying to answer your question!
Tartaros: OK, OK! Just don’t bring THAT up again…(Grabs Glaukos
by the shoulder, spins him around so that Tartaros’ crotch is practically
in Glaukos’ face)
Now what?
Glaukos: (Running away, screaming like a girl!) Why are you asking me? How am I supposed to know? Am I some kind of expert or something?
Tartaros: All right, calm down. Let’s not go crazy here…
Glaukos: Look, we’ve got to do something. We’re under orders…
Tartaros: OK, I’ve got an idea. Move closer…(They move to the center of the bed. Tartaros reaches over to Glaukos’ shoulder, and begins to scratch his back).
Glaukos: What are you doing…?
Tartaros: Trying to…I don’t know…make you feel good.
Glaukos: Feel good!?! You’re scratching my skin off! (Hits his hand). GODS! I hope you don’t do that with your wife! (Chuckles)
(Tartaros pulls his hand back, clearly hurt – this is exactly what he does with his wife!)
Tartaros: Hey, you think I’m having any fun here? I’m just trying to follow orders…
Glaukos: OK, relax. (Absentmindedly puts his hand on Tartaros’ thigh): Look, guy, we’ve fought together for years, and we’ve been in some real tight scrapes. Remember when we were trapped in that cave by the Spartan spies? (Tartaros nods and chuckles). Well, we got through that one. (Removes hand) We’ll figure this out, too…
Tartaros: (Deadly serious) Put that back.
Glaukos: What?
Tartaros: Your hand – put it back.
Glaukos: What?
Tartaros: Well, it felt – ummm - OK.
Glaukos: Really?
Tartaros: Don’t push it! Look, we’re not turning gay, here – we’re doing this - for Athens.
Glaukos: Of course - for Athens! (Puts hand back, slowly begins to move higher. Lighting focuses just on faces: Tartaros starts looking very…happy…)
Glaukos: No! I can’t do this! It’s…disgusting…
Tartaros: NO! Don’t Stop! KEEP GOING! Like this! (Reaches over and grabs
Glaukos)
FOR ATHENS! NOW, DO IT! FOR ATHENS! (Lights go out, grunting noises, - both
cry out “FOR ATHENS”!
(Lights fade on scene, but the soldiers remain in bed, on stage. Lights come up on Scene 18, off to the side)
ACT I, Scene 18
Outside Club Adonis, later that night. From offstage, male voices crying
“For Athens! For Athens!” are heard.
Hoplos: By Zeus, what is going on? Is the army trying out some sort of new age
religious ritual?
Hepatitos: Oh no, my dear – what you’re hearing is the sound of a new age dawning - thanks to yours truly! Behold the deployment of the greatest secret weapon in military history: “Operation ‘Emergency Homosexuality ‘”!
Hoplos: Operation “Emergency Homosexuality”? What are you talking about?
Hepatitos: Ah, Hoplos, surely you can muster up a bit of imagination…
Tonight, every soldier in Athens is fulfilling his patriotic duty – by
getting his rocks off with one of his fellow soldiers…
Liberatses: WHAT!
Hepatitos: That’s right! In order to make themselves more fit to fight the Spartans, each and every hetero in Athens is doing the dirty deed with one of his buddies – By order of the Major General! Gentlemen, it’s a night to remember – the gayest night in the history of Athens! And, what’s even more important, the beginning of a new era of respect for gay men!
Hoplos: Oh, really?
Hepatitos: Think about it. In the morning the men will feel better than they have in weeks, and their 4-week erections will be gone! But tomorrow night, they’ll have the same problem, and the next night, and the next…And they’ll keep turning to their buddies for relief. Gradually, especially with a little “help” along the way, they’ll lose some of their inhibitions. Soon, you’ll find old fears and prejudices falling away. Athens will become a gay man’s paradise! Who knows, Liberatses – Maybe even YOU’LL be able to find a date.
Liberatses: Very funny…
Hoplos: C’mon, it’ll never get that far. Once the men are having sex again, they’ll be back in peak fighting condition in no time. Within a few days they’ll overtake the Spartans, and the war will end, the women will come down from the Acropolis, and goodbye, “Homo Heaven”.
Hepatitos: My dear boys, surely you don’t think I’m so naïve? Naturally, I would never have done anything like this in Athens if I hadn’t been certain that the Spartans would do the same thing. My Spartan “sister”, the fabulous drag queen Uveitos, got their military to institute its own “Operation Emergency Homosexuality” – starting tonight!
Liberatses: I’ve got to hand it to you, Hepatitos; sounds like you’ve really got it covered!
Hepatitos: Just think, men: the war will continue during the day, the soldiers
will play “hide the shish-ka-bob” with each other all night, the
women will stay on the Acropolis, and the gays in Athens and Sparta will soon
able to live openly and proud, like they never have before. Gentlemen, raise
up those limp wrists and say it with me-
FAIRIES FOREVER!
(Lights fade on Hepatitos as Liberatses and Holplos exit. Lights up on Tartaros
and Glaukos, who slowly sit up in bed. They look at each other, then both take
puffs on cigarettes. Simultaneously, they say –): WOW!
(Blackout)
End of ACT I
(At the end of intermission, could have the soldiers sing “Buddy Relief”)
ACT II, Scene 1
(Act begins with Hepatitos singing in Club Adonis. No introduction; just Hepatitos, in a black wig and pink, 50’s style pajamas, singing and channeling Doris Day…Perhaps a bubble machine on the la,la verse. Perhaps have him sit behind a vanity, applying make-up as the song begins.)
IT'S ALL GREEK TO ME!
In affairs of the heart,
I've been told that it's smart,
To be very well versed
in gay repartee,
Though I'm no polyglot,
Lacking love, I am not,
I find that it's all Greek to me!
Says my Gallic roué,
"Voulez-vous accoucher",
I don't "parler" a word,
But I follow away!
I discover for sure,
What is meant by "l'amour"
Though it's all Greek to me!
'Drink chianti by the gallon,
but never learned Italian.
Still I know what to do,
When my big Roman stallion,
says "te amo" at night -
I just turn out the light!
Though it's all Greek to me!
He's called a barbari'n,
(Well) I'm egalitarian,
Though his grunts make him sound like he's overhung!
(spoken – I wonder – is it really possible to be OVER - hung?)
His language - a puzzle.
But then we start to nuzzle,
And I find that I'm speaking in my native tongue!
I hear "Ich liebe Dich" (Pronounced "Ik leebe dick")
And I think, fine with "mich"! (mick)
How bad can it be
With an "Ich"(ik) and a "dich”(dick)?
The Teuton looks "gut" on,
the top of my futon,
Where it's all Greek to me!
La la la la la la,
la la la la la la,
La la la, ho ho ho, la dee da!
Who cares what they speak,
It all translates to Greek!
Hmmm hmmm hmmm, fa lah la!
Love - it can still exist,
Though you're no cunning linguist,
don't need to be fluent
in for'n (foreign) tongues for a tryst!
Just do as I say -
Sa-aga-po, fee-li se me!*
Then it’s all Greek, you see!
Yes, it's all Greek to me!
(*Greek; I love you, kiss me!)
(Lights out)
Act II, Scene 2
(On the Acropolis, one week later. The banner now reads “We’ve lost
that loving feeling – Stop the fighting”! Lampito and Lysistrata
are talking)
Lampito: I just don’t get it, Lysistrata. I never thought the men would hold out this long…
Lysistrata: Neither did I. And, if anything, it sounds like the battles are going stronger than ever. Something strange is going on…Ah, Myrrhine – Maybe you can tell us what’s happening down there…
Myrrhine: (Once again, appearing in spy disguise): Well, I can tell you what’s
NOT going on – Not a single erection to be seen! The men are smiling,
looking fit, and happier than ever. It’s as if the strike weren’t
taking place…
Lysistrata: Impossible.
Lampito: Sugar, that’s the same thing we’re hearing from Sparta. You don’t suppose the men have finally learned to … take care of themselves?
Lysistrata: I suppose anything’s possible, but even if they did, I don’t think they’d be so happy about it…
Myrrhine: Nah, they’re just too dumb!
Harry (Standing): All right, that’s enough!
Sally: Not again, Harry…
Harry: Look, this play is crazy. All men discover how to masturbate as boys! Why, by the time I was twelve, I was already an expert…
Sally: Will you pipe down…
Lysistrata (appearing to ad lib): Well, I’m sure we’d like to hear all about that, wouldn’t we, girls? Talk to us, Harry…
Harry: Um, no, no thanks…(He sits)
Lysistrata: Well, in that case, do you mind if we continue?
Myrrhine: I’ve forgotten my line…
Lampito: (Stage Whisper) “Lysistrata, what is …
Myrrhine: Right! Lysistrata, what is going on here?
Lysistrata: I don’t know – Let me think…Well, something’s happening with the men, and we’ve got to find out what it is.
OK, Here’s what we’re going to do…Feta, go find your friend Phoebe, the one who’s always saying that her husband is the handsomest man in Athens, and that she can’t live without him. After midnight, she’s going to pretend to break away from the Acropolis, and go to her husband Tintin, or whatever his name is. She ought to be able to get to the bottom of all this…
Lampito: Great plan, doll. Let’s go, Feta…
Feta: Ooh, I like it. I REALLY like it….(She, Lampito and Myrrhine exit)
Lysistrata: (Thinking out loud) Me too; I just hope it works….
Act II, Scene 3
That afternoon, in Glaukos’ bedroom. There might be one or two “gay”
decorating touches, perhaps a rainbow flag, or a Maria Callas poster. Tartaros
now sports a “clone” mustache, and he is getting the room ready
for Glaukos to return; carefully straightening out the bed, arranging a vase
of flowers in just the right spot,spraying some air freshener (including under
his arms!), laying in a sexy position on the bed. He sits up as Glaukos enters.
Tartaros: So, Glaukos, how did the fighting go today?
Glaukos: Those filthy Spartan pigs! I don’t know where they’re getting the energy. “Emergency Homosexuality” was supposed to be our superweapon, but they’re fighting as hard as ever.
(Glaukos is undressing, throws clothes on the floor. Tartaros, horrified, picks
them up and folds them.)
Tartaros: Well, I guess they’ve discovered the “superweapon”,
too…
(He gets a martini glass, crosses to Tartaros and hands it to him).
Speaking of which…is yours…ummm…ready to fire again?
Glaukos: (Drinks martini) Well, to tell the truth, it’s, uhhh, not so necessary for me – Iglesias came by this morning, and I …helped him out. The poor guy’s not in the army, so he doesn’t have a “buddy”. (Tartaros looks a bit…hurt. Glaukos sees this, and continues): But, never mind – double your pleasure, right? (starts undressing)
Tartaros: You’re…doing it with Iglesias?
Glaukos: Oh, no, not really – it’s nothing, REALLY. But, if it bothers you – well, I’ll change the sheets…
Tartaros: (Considers bed for a few moments): Nah. C’mon, let’s go for it!
Glaukos: OK. For Athens!
Tartaros: For Athens!
ACT II, Scene 4
(Lights go down in Glaukos’ place; action shifts outside, where Hepatitos and Hoplos are speaking. Meanwhile, Glaukos and Tartaros “finish up”, light cigarettes, and get dressed).
Hoplos: I tell you, Hepatitos, these heteros are becoming more gay than you ever dreamed!
Hepatitos: Hoplos, PLEASE do me a favor – strike the word “gay” from your vocabulary! The “emergency homosexuals” don’t like hearing it – it freaks them out!
Hoplos: Well, whatever they’re calling it, those guys in there don’t seem to be very bothered by what they’re doing.
Hepatitos: Oh, Hoplos, dear Hoplos, we’ve been over all this –
It’s time for you to get this fantasy man out of your system. Standing
outside here mooning isn’t going to get you a date…Instead of looking
through the window, go find yourself a nice, horny “emergency homosexual”.
Even Liberatses is getting laid -the time is right!
Speaking of which, I’ve got to hurry…I’ve got a rendezvous
with a sweet young thing myself!
Hoplos: Oh - Really!
Hepatitos: Oh, yes – I’ve had my eyes on him ever since the General Assembly! Big, brawny, biceps like a young Arnold Schwartzeneggerus , the biggest feet you’ve ever seen - and dumb as an ionic column. Oh, and get this – he says I remind him of his mother! Ha! (Walks off stage)
Hoplos: His -- Mother?!?
(Door to Glaukos’ place opens, as Glaukos steps out. Hoplos quickly hides upstage)
Glaukos: (To Tartaros, inside): Make yourself at home, guy. I’m going to the Gymnasium; see you in a few hours!
continue to
ACT II, Scene 5
(Door closes; Hoplos watches Glaukos walk off, considers the possibilities, and gathers his courage. He knocks on the door; Tartaros answers).
Tartaros: Yes?
Hoplos: Ahhh, good evening…pardon the interruption…
I’m…ahhh…from the military department of emergency homosexuality, conflict division and…ummm…I’m here to find out, ahhh…if there’s any problem here with ahhh…implementation of “Operation Buddy Relief” and…ummm…if there is, I’m here to…ahhh…help out…(cough)…
Tartaros: Well, it happens that I do have a problem. Come in.
Just take a seat. Would you like something to drink?
Hoplos: (Sits on bed – there is no other place). I…ah….sure…maybe a glass of wine…?
Tartaros: White or red? I have a great merlot…
Hoplos: Sounds wonderful….
Tartaros: (Pouring wine) Last week when the major general gave the order for “emergency homosexuality” I thought: “Oh, no, Tartaros, you’ll never be able to do this – No way can you go to bed with a man”!
Hoplos: Well, y’know, this..ah…really isn’t easy for anyone…
Tartaros: True. But, that was a week ago. And, every night since, I’ve faithfully followed orders. And you know what? As time goes on, I’m finding that it’s not as horrible as I thought…
Hoplos: REALLY! I mean…um…yeah, that’s what happens, we’re seeing a lot of it…So, ummm, what’s the problem?
Tartaros: Well, that’s the problem. Suddenly, it seems very easy for me to, you know, do it with men.
Here, your wine…
Hoplos: Oh? (Gulps down wine).
Tartaros: And, strangely, I seem to be especially attracted to short, older, bearded men...(Sits on bed, very close to Hoplos).
Hoplos: OH!?!?
Tartaros (Gradually leaning in to Hoplos): Yeah. And so I’m beginning to wonder, if it’s possible, with this crazy order, to slowly become…gay….
Hoplos: Oh, no, that can’t possibly happen. Emergency homosexuality has ab-so-lutely nothing to do with being gay…I mean…
Tartaros: (Taking Hoplos’ wine glass) It means so much to hear you say
that – very reassuring! It really makes me feel much better…I hope
you won’t mind if I….
Hoplos: Yes?
Tartaros:(Leans in and kisses Hoplos).
Hoplos: Oh, don’t mind at all…glad to be of service…
Tartaros (Stands up and grabs a stunned Hoplos by the hand): C’mon, let’s go to my house – I wouldn’t want Glaukos walking in and surprising us…(Lights out)
ACT II, Scene 6
(From the audience)
Harry: (Standing): ALL RIGHT – That’s enough! We’re going home!
Sally: What? Why? It’s not over yet…
Harry: It is for me! When I go to the theater, I expect to be amused – not to watch men kissing each other!
Sally: Oh, c’mon, what’s the big deal?
Harry: What’s the big deal?!? You know what they’re saying, Sally – gays are destroying our family values!
Sally: Oh, please – I don’t see how two men kissing will destroy our families…Besides, you didn’t seem to have much problem when two women were going at it!
Harry: That’s totally different! Anyway, this is trash – that Aristophanes guy should be arrested!
Sally: Oh, I don’t think you can blame him for this …
Harry: Why not? He wrote this crap, didn’t he?
Sally: Well, yeah, like, 2000 years ago. I don’t think he’s responsible for the kissing men, though…
Harry: Well, whoever is should be shot…
Hepatitos: (From dark stage, shining a flashlight at Harry and Sally): Um, Excuse me – So sorry to interrupt you, AGAIN, but would you mind if we get on with this? We’d like to get home before midnight, y’know…We do have families, too!
Sally: (sighing) Come on, Harry – Let’s get out of here before you have a stroke…
Harry: You don’t have to tell me twice! (Storms out)
Sally (Gathering coats, handbag – speaks to actors on stage, and audience): I’m - so sorry. I think you guys are a blast, and I’d love to stay and see how this all turns out. But, y’know, he’s got the keys….MEN! ( turns to exit)
Hepatitos (waving at Sally): I love your purse!
Sally: Thanks! (exits)
Act II, Scene 7
(Oedipus’ place – Hepatitos rings bell)
(Oedipus{Son} answers door): Hello, Hepatitos…
Hepatitos: Hello yourself, doll!
Can I come in?
Oedipus: Uh, Yeah…Come in, ha, ha…
Hepatitos: Y’know, this is kind of embarrassing, but – I never did catch your name…
Oedipus: Oh, it’s Oedipus.
Hepatitos (thinking): Oedipus – You’d think I could remember that! Not very – complex…
Oedipus (nervous laugh): Ha, ha, no, just simple ‘ol me…
(Light comes on full in living room. In the center of the room, there is a large portrait of Jocasta)
Hepatitos: Gracious, who is that GEORGOUS woman?
Oedipus: That’s my mother…(sigh)
Hepatitos: Well, all I can say is, without question, that’s one of the handsomest women I’ve ever seen…
Oedipus: (Looks up at picture, sobs) Oh, mother…
Hepatitios: Oh, my dear, dear boy, I’m sooo sorry. I didn’t realize that she was…dead…
Oedipus: DEAD? Who said anything about her being dead? She’s with the other women on the Acropolis…She’s been gone for FIVE WEEKS! How could she leave me…? (Sob). For five weeks I’ve been all alone here with my father – and I HATE my father. He’s always coming between me and Mother. I could KILL HIM!
(Door opens – Father walks in)
(Sheepishly) Oh, ha-ha, hello father…
Father (Does a double take, looks at Hepatitos): So, Jocasta, you finally regained your senses and decided to come back where you belong…
Hepatitos: Umm…haha….no -
Oedipus: Oh, no father – This isn’t mother. Hepatitos is a transvestite – but doesn’t he look just like Mother?
Father (Looks at Hepatitos for a moment): Get out of here, Oedipus. Go to your room…
Oedipus: But, father…
Father: NOW, Oedipus. Get out of here….
Oedipus: (Sulking) Yes, father….(leaves)
Hepatitos: Uhh, I really should be going…I just remembered that I left some gyros on the grill…
Father: You stay right there…
Hepatitos: (Runs to door) No, no, I really MUST dash…Ta ta!(Turns back before leaving house – Father has removed his armor and shirt, and is standing half-naked in doorway to bedroom, flexing his muscles, wearing a leather harness) Oh, my! (Re-enters room): Well, perhaps I could stay for just a teensy little minute…
Father: FOLLOW ME…NOW!
Hepatitos: Ooh, yes, “daddy”, sir… (Lights out)
ACT II, Scene 8
(During scene change, Phoebe is seen disguising herself, with the help of the other women. Lysistrata is reminding her; “Now, be careful going down – keep your disguise on. The men could be dangerous! Just go to Tartaros and seduce him into telling you what is going on!” She sneaks off of the Acropolis, as lights come up in Tartaros’ home.)
continue to
ACT II, Scene 9
(Tartaros is in bed with Hoplos – both are smoking cigarettes)
Tartaros: That was…great…
Hoplos: YOU CAN SAY THAT AGAIN!!! Er, I mean, y’know, yeah, for being with a man…
Tartaros: Of course…goes without saying…For Athens!
Hoplos: Er, yes, for Athens!
Tartaros: Y’know, though, I don’t know why, but you make me very comfortable – I feel I can really talk to you …
Hoplos: OH, PLEASE, TALK, TALK --- I mean, ahem, well, that’s my job, getting people to open up…
Tartaros: Well, something really strange happened to me on the battlefield this morning – I don’t know if I should say anything, with you being in the military service and all…
Hoplos: Oh, don’t let THAT worry you – I mean – Everything you say will be held in strict confidence…
Tartaros: You’re sure this won’t go any further?
Hoplos: Oh, I promise.
Tartaros: You really make me feel so…secure…
Hoplos (melting): Please, go on…
Tartaros: Right! Well, there I was, in hand to hand combat with a Spartan, and we were crossing swords and all…
Hoplos: Um, those filthy Spartan pigs – They can’t hold a candle to us Athenians.
Tartaros: Yeah, well…
Hoplos: Oops, didn’t mean to interrupt…sorry…
Tartaros: Anyway – naturally, I was fighting better than he…
Hoplos: Well, of course…
Tartaros: Finally, I knocked the sword out of his hand and threw him to the
ground. He lay there helpless, waiting for me to run him through with my spear
and finish him off, which I was all ready to do…
But then he looked up at me – there was terror, but also resignation in
his eyes, these -- big, brown puppy-dog eyes…and, suddenly I felt…
how do I put this…Well, he looked – good!
Hoplos: He looked – what?
Tartaros: He looked - good – I mean, as good as a man can look…
Hoplos: A dirty Spartan pig looked – good!?!
Tartaros: What can I say – This one did. Anyway, I couldn’t kill him – I spared his life.
Hoplos: YOU’RE -- KIDDING!
Tartaros: I left him lying there on the ground, and went off to fight some more. Then, later on, he found me – and gave me a note.
Hoplos: A NOTE!?!
Tartaros: And it said that his name was Robertos, and that he’d like the opportunity to get to know me better.
We’re going to meet on the battlefield tomorrow morning.
Hoplos: What?!?
Tartaros: I only hope we can find each other, with all that war stuff going on – Y’know, it’s total chaos out there. But it would be nice to have the chance to slip away unnoticed and, well, spend some time with him.
Hoplos: I hope you don’t mind me saying this, but – THAT IS SOOO ROMANTIC! You must absolutely promise to tell me everything that happens!
Tartaros: Ummm, yeah, sure….
continue to
ACT II, Scene 10
(Knock on door – Phoebe whispering)
Phoebe: Tartaros? Are you there? It’s me – your Phoebe! Open up, oh handsome husband of mine – I’m here!
Tartaros: Oh, shit!
Phoebe: Tartaros? Where are you?
Hoplos: What? The women are back from the Acropolis? That can’t be happening – not now…
Tartaros: Here – your clothes. Get them on and sneak out the cellar door!
Hoplos: OK, well…see you around…
Tartaros: Yeah, later….
(Hoplos exits)
Phoebe: TARTAROS! WHERE ARE YOU?!?!
Tartaros (opening door - very cold to Phoebe): Oh, it’s you. Well, how nice to see you again…
Phoebe (All over him, kissing him): Ooooh, baby, you have no idea how much I’ve missed you – I haven’t stopped talking about my big, strong, handsome husband for a minute – I drove the women on the Acropolis crazy…
Tartaros (totally disinterested): Yeah, well, that’s nice…(Walks away, gets into bed)
Phoebe: Ummm, sweet-lips, how long have you had the mustache – you look sooo – HOT!
Tartaros: So, are you back from the Acropolis, or what?
Phoebe: No, no – The strike is still on. I, uh, sneaked away –
I’ve got to get back in a few hours…
Oh, my poor, poor Tartaros – how you must have suffered without me…(kissing
him, undressing)
Tartaros: Oh, I’ve been managing…
Phoebe: Managing? Oh, you poor, poor dear – Well listen, baby, Phoebe’s here to take care of her MAN!
Tartaros: Uh, yeah, well, y’know, I’ve got to get up really early to be on the battlefield in the morning. We’re having – special maneuvers – got to get those filthy Spartans…
Phoebe (Now on top of him): What’s that I smell? Cologne? Mmmmm, tiger, since when do you wear cologne? Oh, that manly fragrance – you’re making me wild…
Tartaros: Ow, you’re hurting me…
Phoebe: Oooh, you look so delicious, I don’t know what part to start on…
Tartaros: I have a headache….
Phoebe: Ohhh, baby, Phoebe has just the cure for that…(Goes under sheets, bobbing head up and down) Mmmmmm…
Tartaros: (Grabs her, pulls her up) I SAID LAY OFF!
Look, I’ve GOT to get up early – leave me alone and let me get some sleep…
Phoebe: B..but…You must…I mean…It’s been five weeks…Aren’t you going out of your mind with lust…There aren’t any other women…We used to do it four times a day…Tartaros…? What’s going on here?
Tartaros (He has rolled over and begins snoring loudly)
Phoebe: Tartaros? Baby? TARTAROS?!?! (Lights out)
ACT II, Scene 11
On the Acropolis, next morning. – The banner now reads “Stop the
war – we want to get off”. Lysistrata is speaking to Phoebe, who
is crying hysterically. Lampito, Feta and Myrrhine are also present. (Note:
Phoebe’s “crying” should be big and comical; she should not
be made a tragic figure!)
Lysistrata: Now let me get this straight – He rolled over and fell asleep?!?
Phoebe: (Sobbing) Snoring - He just started – Snoring. He didn’t want to have sex – or even look at me – nothing….
Lampito: But, doll, his erection - what about his erection?
Phoebe: Erection? What erection? It looked more like an over-cooked macaroni than a five-week phallus! (Crying)
Lampito: (Aside to Lysistrata): I think something has gone very wrong here…
Myrrhine (Overhearing): Wrong? You said this was foolproof!
Lysistrata: Now, listen, I’m sure that there’s a very simple explanation for all of this…
Myrrhine: No, you listen! For five weeks we’ve been sitting up here, waiting for the men to go crazy with lust and put an end to this war. Meanwhile, you know what’s going on down there – I’ll tell you what! The men are having a gay old time!
Lysistrata and Lampito: WHAT!?!?
Myrrhine: You heard me! Without us there, they’re going out and getting drunk every night, then collapsing into bed and getting up to play war!
Phoebe: There were some wine glasses by the bed…(Sniffle)
Myrrhine: And meanwhile, do you think they’re getting anything done around the house? Oh, no! The dishes are piling up by the sink and getting moldy, and the pots and pans are being used as nests by the chickens and mice! The goats haven’t been milked, or fed, and I’m sure all my prize rose bushes have long since turned into tumbleweeds. They’ve been wearing the same clothes for weeks - by now they can probably stand up by themselves, and stink to Mount Olympus!
Phoebe: Actually, Tartaros smelled pretty good – I think it was cologne…
Myrrhine: I tell you, if we don’t get down there soon, we’re going to have to burn the city down before we can clean it up! Maybe the smell has gone to the men’s brains, and they’re too poisoned by it to want to have sex anymore…
(Very arch) Not that that matters to Lysistrata and Lampito, does it?
Lysistrata: Just what are you trying to say?
Myrrhine: Just this: While the rest of us have been having a sex-strike, you two haven’t been exactly suffering, have you?
Lampito: What?
Myrrhine: Oh, come on, ladies – you don’t really expect us to believe that you spend those “late night planning sessions” reading Greek mythology to each other, do you? Do I have to spell it out?
(Everyone silent, for a beat. Myrrhine calms down)
Myrrhine: Look, nobody really cares. What you do together is your own business. It’s just that the rest of us women are getting lonely and restless – and it’s been five long weeks! All I’ve got to show for the time here is calluses on my fingers from crocheting these doilies! The plan sounded good – we really thought we could do something. But, the war’s not ending, and we’re missing our loving…
Feta: Wait, say that again! AGAIN!
Myrrhine (thrown off): What? “The war’s not ending, and we’re missing our loving”?
Feta – Oh, that’s good – really good…! Don’t you think so, Lampito?
Lampito: Hmmm, “War – not – loving”…I think we might just have something there, sugar…Let’s you and me go work on it…
(They turn to exit)
Lysistrata: (annoyed) Wait, wait. Look, we’ve come too far to just give
up now. Lampito, you and I are going to get into disguise, and go down there
ourselves and find out what in Hades is going on.
(To Myrrhine, Phoebe) Ladies, please, just hold on a little bit longer…We’re
going into the city, and we won’t be back until we’ve gotten the
answers…
Myrhinne: All right, Lysistrata – One more night. But if nothing’s happened by tomorrow, we’re going home!
(Lights dim; Lampito and Lysistrata get into disguises)
ACT II, Scene 12
Lampito and Lysistrata, both sporting full beards and trenchcoats or cloaks,
are down in Athens, outside Glaukos’ house.
Lampito: Heavens, we just look ridiculous! Do you really believe that we won’t be recognized in these ridiculous costumes?
Lysistrata: (very arch) Look, if you’re scared, go back and hide up on the Acropolis. I’m sure FETA will take care of you…
Lampito: Oooh, someone got up on the wrong side of the sleeping bag today! C’mon, Lysistrata - What’s really eating you?
Lysistrata: Maybe it’s that little piece of “salty cheese” up on that mountain!
Lampito: (Laughs) Oh, honey, it’s not like you to act like a green eyed monster. Besides, you know that I’m not into that “possession” stuff; it’s so – hetero-conformist!
Lysistrata: Yes, yes, I know the score…It’s just - (Looks at her, totally earnest – theme from “Brokeback Mountain” in background) – I don’t know – I just look at you , and this “thing” takes hold of me, that gets me in trouble…
Lampito: What!?!?
Lysistrata: (Crosses to center stage, takes a beat or tow, then looks sadly at Lampito): Gods, I wish I knew how to quit you!
Lampito (incredulous): Sugar, just WHAT has gotten into you?
Lysistrata: (shakes head – back to “reality”!) Oh, I’m sorry, Lampito – you’re right! I’m nervous - Something’s gone very wrong with our plan. The war should have ended weeks ago. There’s only one thing I can think of, and I sure hope I’m wrong…
Lampito: Well, how do we find out what’s going on?
Lysistrata: Here, let’s look in a few windows and see what the men are up to…
(Lampito goes offstage, Lysistrata looks in Glaukos’ window. Lampito reappears)
Lampito: Well, Nothing much in those houses – just a few gay guys going at it like pigs in a poke.
Lysistrata: Same in this house – But you know who lives here? Glaukos – and his wife, Feta!
Lampito: What?!? Feta tells me the man is an insatiable animal…
Lysistrata: Well, her “animal” is now hunting different game – just as I feared. I don’t know why, but the men have all gone gay!
Lampito: But … HOW?
Lysistrata: I can’t imagine, Lampito, but we’re going to find out. Let’s go, girl – we’re off to Club Adonis to get some answers!
Lampito: Good – I think I need an ouzo!
ACT II, Scene 13
At Club Adonis, late that afternoon. Hoplos, Liberatses, and Hepatitos are talking
around a table. (Hoplos and Libertatses can get up and act out the roles of
Tartaros and the Spartan soldier)
Hepatitos: Now, let me get this straight – The war is over?
Liberatses: Not only over, but you, my dear, BRILLIANT Hepatitos, are the reason! Too bad no one can find out how you made history…
Hepatitos: All right, all right - let me have this again…
Hoplos: OK, here’s the story. You know Tartaros, the incredible hunk I’ve been mooning over? Well, we…uh…spent some quality time together last night…and while I’m there, he tells me that he’s suddenly beginning to see the Spartans in a whole new light…
Hepatitos: What?
Hoplos: So, yesterday, in the heat of battle, he’s overpowered this Spartan soldier, but when he goes in to finish him off, he realizes that the guy is a hunk, and spares his life!
Hepatitos: You’re kidding, right?
Liberatses: Oooh, let me tell it from here – my soldier boy saw it all, so I’ve got the story first-hand! So anyway, “Spartan hunk” tells “Private Raw Meat” that he’d like to, well, thank him personally for letting him live, and arranges for a rendezvous on the battlefield this morning. Only instead of going off to hide in the bushes or something…
Hoplos (interrupting): Instead of meeting in secret, their eyes connect in the middle of the battlefield, and they’re so overcome with passion that they drop their swords, rush toward each other…
Liberatses:…and start sucking each other’s tonsils!
The rest of the soldiers just stop and look at them, in total shock, and the
silence is completely eerie. But then, both armies, the Athenians and the Spartans,
drop their weapons, and start CHEERING! Before long, half of them are in tears,
Spartans and Athenians are in each other’s arms, and the battlefield is
beginning to look like Club Adonis at last call on a Saturday night!
Hepatitos: I … DON’T BELIEVE IT!
Hoplos: OH, you can believe it, girl – its peace-time in fairy-land! Come on outside – General Incognitos is about make it all official!
(Note: Might consider “showing” the love scene between Tartaros and the Spartan, either by projecting a silent movie, or by using puppets. Either way, the narrative could continue, with lots of schmaltzy, romantic music).
ACT II, Scene 14
(They step outside the club; a brief blackout, followed by Incognitos and his
Spartan counterpart, Kleenax, appearing in full military regalia, with lots
of feathers in their helmets! Hepatitos, Liberatses and Hoplos watch on one
side, Tartaros, Oedipus and Glaukos on the other. Liberatses and Glaukos are
having an affair; have them wave at each other at some point during the scene!)
Kleenax: Hail to thee, Major General Incognitos!
Incognitos: Hail to THEE, Grand Martial Kleenax! And welcome to the Athenian forum!
Kleenax: Honored Sir! For weeks the women in Sparta, and also here in Athens, have kept control of the military coffers. Our weapons are rusting, and there is no money to replace them…
Incognitos: Well said! It would also appear that our soldiers are losing their will to fight – no doubt as a result of – well, personal matters.
Kleenax: As you so astutely observe, esteemed Incognitos. It would appear that we have a…situation to deal with; there is going to be peace, whether we want it or not!
Incognitos: So it would seem! Let us therefore look destiny in the face, and officially declare an end to the war, before it ends itself.
Kleenax: Agreed, oh worthy opponent. Let it be so! (They salute each other and shake hands, very formally.)
(The observers all cheer – Kleenax and Incognitos pose as flash pictures are taken by Liberatses).
Hepatitos (to Hoplos and Liberatses): I definitely need an ouzo! C’mon, boys, this round’s on me! (They return to the club; the soldiers exit the other side of the stage)
Incognitos(Looks around and makes sure everyone is gone, then turns to Kleenax, totally nelly): Girl, I just LOVE that helmet! WHERE did you get those FEATHERS?
Kleenax: (Equally nelly): Oh, they’re OSTRICH! Aren’t they just TOO DIVINE!
Incognitos: FABULOUS! You just HAVE TO introduce me to your dresser…(Puts
his arm around Kleenax, gives him a kiss)
...But meanwhile, get out of that thing and let’s go have a drink. This
club makes the BEST ouzo martinis…(They walk into Club Adonis).
(Lights down)
ACT II, Scene 15
(In Club Adonis) Hepatitos and Hoplos are at one table (alternately; they are
dancing to disco music); Lysistrata and Lampito, still in disguise, are sitting
near them, listening in. Incognitos and Kleenax are laughing at the bar; Liberatses
is serving drinks. Disco music playing…
Liberatses (pouring a drink for Hepatitos and Hoplos – all are a bit tipsy already) Peace! I just can’t believe it!
Hoplos: Incredible! Hepatitos, did you ever in your wildest dreams think that your “emergency homosexuality” idea would turn out like this?
Lysistrata (to Lampito): What?
Hepatitos: No, I must admit, this turned out better than I could’ve possibly imagined! I was hoping for a bit of tolerance – Whoever’d have thought that those macho studs would end up out-gaying the fairies?
Liberatses: Yeah, it’s been great – but I’m afraid everything will be back to normal when the women come back. And I’ve been having such a good time with my tattooed hunk… What a beast!
Hoplos: Well, I got to spend a night with a god – who could ask for anything more? And you, Hepatitos – How ‘bout that father-son action?
Hepatitos: Oh, it’s been heaven – I take care of Oedipus during the day, clean the house, cook dinner… and then “Daddy” comes home and takes care of me…
Hoplos: You LIKE playing housewife!?! That is so…wrong…
Hepatitos: Who would’ve guessed that I’d find fulfillment as June Cleaverite? And I’m not ready to give up on it yet – not by a long shot! Maybe the women like it up on the Acropolis…
Hoplos: …or maybe we can ship them all off to a Greek island somewhere… Like Lesbos.
(All three start laughing)
Lysistrata (ripping off beard): All right, that’s enough! (Grabs Hepatitos.
Lysistrata and Hepatitos should get in to a cat fight as this progresses)
What did you think you were doing, ruining my plan?
Hepatitos: Pardon me – but, have we met?
Lysistrata: I’m Lysistrata – the organizer of the boycott.
Hepatitos: (breaking free, sarcastic): Well, the famous lady herself! Nice
to meet you, Lucystrudle!
And, what do you mean, “ruining your plan”? I just helped things
along a little…
Lysistrata: “Helped things along”!?! (Grabbing him again) Sounds to me like the only thing you did was to help get poor, unsuspecting married heterosexuals into your beds…
Hepatitos: You’re being unfair, Lasitudee! –We were as eager for peace as you were. But it was clear that your plan wasn’t working…
Lysistrata (shaking him, very upset): What do you mean, not working!?! Who says so?
Hepatitos: It was obvious! The men were tripping over their swollen dicks, but they were still fighting like demons! Lassie-ra-ra…
Lysistrata : It’s LYSISTRATA! LYSISTRATA! Will you PLEASE get it right! It’s a name with meaning!
Hepatitos: Oh?
Lysistrata: Yes! Lysistrata means “she who dissolves armies”!
Hepatitos: Oh, yeah? Well, my name has meaning, too – (taking a drink) – “inflamed liver”.
(Lysistrata goes after him, claws first!)
Lampito (breaking up the fight): Will you two listen to each other? We just got one crazy battle to end – are you trying to start another?
Hepatitos: (Freeing himself): Look, Lysistrata - If things had worked out your
way and the war had ended, the men would’ve been back at it as soon as
the women were home and they were getting laid again.
This way, the Spartans and Athenians have gotten to see each other as PEOPLE.
They’ve shared some tender moments, some of them have had sex with each
other – they’ve even gotten hooked on “Will and Grace”
together! There’s no way they’re going to forget that when the “powers-that-be”
try to start up the fighting again.
Lampito (out of her disguise as well): Sugar, I sure hate to admit it, but he’s right, Lysistrata.
Hepatitos: Well, well – Looks like I wasn’t the only one with an “ulterior motive!”
Lampito:(To Hepatitos): Doll, unless you want a taste of Spartan knuckle sandwich, you’d best button up those overpainted lips!
(Glares at both Lysistrata and Hepatitos, who look down, ashamed)
Now, y’all listen up – I’ve got something to get off my chest! (She shimmies) Ha! That’s better!(She sings) -
Make Love, Not War
Oh, ever since there've been men on this 'ol planet,
They've been fightin' each other tooth and nail,
But the time is here to just say, "can it!"
Don't have to kill each other to prove you're male!
A big beautiful world god did create,
And he said "Now go forth and populate!"
But Cain slayed Abel out of brother-hate,
When they should've been making love! (Spoken – “Not with each other,
of course – that would be wrong”).
(Chorus) We should be makin' love, not war,
We should be makin love!
What the heck is all the fightin' for?
Let's make love not war!
That old Greek king just cried for days,
When Paris stole his Helen away,
Didn't have to fight, could'a had a 3 way,
They could've made love not war! (Spoken – “Yee-haa!”)
(Chorus)
(to Lysistrata)
Now I love checks, you dress all black-y,
I think you look dead, you think that I'm tacky,
But who cares about clothes when we're in the sack-y,
A makin' love not war!
(Chorus)
Lampito:(To Lysistrata): Hon, I think men are born with war in their souls –
the gods know, they never stop fighting, from the time they’re boys until
they take their last breaths! We thought that we could stop the fighting by
appealing to their baser instincts, but it turns out that love won the battle
- and in ways we never imagined! Who knows; maybe this time, things will be
different. It sure looks like there’s no going back now! This war is over
- for good!
Lysistrata: (Realizes that they’re right): Oh, my!
Hepatitos (capitulating, a bit sheepishly): Of course, none of this could’ve happened if you hadn’t gotten the women to go to the Acropolis in the first place…