The characters in order of appearance

Sound Effects person
Foley Artist
Announcer
Bob Crotchit
Butchy (Scrooge’s nephew)
Two Nuns (in full Habit)
Sport Fans (three in all)
Patrolman Happy
Bob Marley
Christmas Gimp
Fezziwig
Dick Biggins
Young Scrooge
Mrs. Fezziwig
Stebbins Sisters
Actor playing Higgins
Santa
Mrs. Crotchit
Belinda
Peter
Girl & Boy (Crotchit twins)
Martha
Tiny Tim
Wife of Butchy
Partygoer
Alien (no voice, only sound)
Young Boy on street
Red Light District people (two)

© 2000

A, Horrible Christmas Carol, is an out right assault on the decency of the original classic, so due to the ever increasing destruction of Christmas by corporate America and the moral decay by perverts and news organizations. These characters come to life as a shameless extension of what Christmas has evolved into by the societal shift of what Christmas meant then/past, to what it means now/present.

Enjoy the sleigh ride hell!

CAROL: “GOD REST YOU MERRY, GENTLEMAN”.

SOUND: RADIO CHIME.

ANNOUNCER
You are listening to WriteActReportory Radio. Tonight an in accordance with the holiday feeling and jingly spirit, a chilling tale brought back from yesteryear. Yes that’s right its time now for…

ALL
A Horrible, Christmas Carol.

ANNOUNCER
It’s at this time we would like to remind our studio audience to turn off those mobile phones and pagers, and for those of you at home unplug that noisy humidifier.

ALL
I would do it / couldn’t hear it if I didn’t / Makes perfect sense to me.

ANNOUNCER
Now while we are getting warmed up here in the studio. Just think how good, a couple of cold ones, would be right now.

SOUND: OPENING A COUPLE OF BEERS.

ALL
Oh, yes. / That sounds good. / So delightful. / And refreshing.

ANNOUNCER
So smooth. So, cold.

SOUND: SIPPING LIQUID.

ANNOUNCER
Can shook, just for the foam.

SOUND: SUCKING THE LAST DROP OUT OF CAN.

ANNOUNCER
Some say it is liquid art.

SOUND: PERSON BURPING.

ANNOUNCER
Other’s think it’s a lot of gas. A couple of cold ones. Get em in your fridge at home or here in our very own holiday lobby. And now as the wind howls.

SOUND: WIND HOWLING.

ANNOUNCER
A very, snowy, blizzard takes us to the world of…

ALL
A Horrible, Christmas Carol.

CAROL OF “GOD REST YOU MERRY, GENTLEMAN”.

ANNOUNCER
We begin our tale in Scrooge’s movie porn house. Decrepit by years of neglect. A Filthy odor of raunchy sex and urine, stink up the lobby.
Bob Crotchit enters.

SOUND: DOOR OPENS AND CLOSE.

SOUND: CROTCHIT WHISTLING.

SOUND: FOOTSTEPS.

SOUND: FOOTSTEPS GOING UP STAIRS.

ANNOUNCER
He is a frail man, with the heart of a Badger. Looking miserably unhygienic and smiling with cakey teeth, Crotchit climes the stairs to the projection booth.

SOUND: DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES.

SOUND: CROTCHIT HAS A COLD SHIVER.

ANNOUNCER
He wraps his muffler more closely around his neck and then puts on his spectacles and begins to work on reeling a film projector.

SOUND: TWIRLING LOOSE FILM REEL.

SOUND: SWITCHES AND THEN A PROJECTOR SOUND.

SOUND: DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES.

ANNOUNCER
Ebenezer Scrooge is carrying a huge stack of movie reels.

SOUND: CROTCHIT SIGHING.

SCROOGE
Is there a problem Crotchit?

CROTCHIT
No problem here sir…Everything is spinning, just fine.

SCROOGE
Very well, then get to work.

CROTCHIT
I am. I just said that. I am working and thus everything is spinning, just fine.

SCROOGE
These are for Asian night.

SOUND: PLACING A STACK OF REELS ON A TABLE.

SCROOGE
Don’t burn them up. There on loan. Which means I must give them back.

ANNOUNCER
Just then Butchy, Scrooge’s nephew, enters wearing all that is hip and cool, baby.

SOUND: DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES.

BUTCHY
What’s happening, what’s happening!

SCROOGE
You again, Bah! Humbug!

BUTCHY
You can’t mean that Uncle? Today is Christmas Eve!

SCROOGE
Bah! Humbug!

BUTCHY
Christmas a Humbug, Uncle? You have got to be kidding me?!

SCROOGE
Oh, I do! I do! Everyone running around with “Merry Christmas” on their lips. Merry Christmas, Ha! What right do people have to be merry? What right do you have to be merry? You’re poor enough!

BUTCHY
Poor my ass. You see what I’m driving lately; it’s called a Cadillac Deville.

SCROOGE
I don’t care what you drive!

BUTCHY
So what right do you have to be miserable? You’re rich enough!

SCROOGE
Humbug!

BUTCHY
Come on! Have a drink or something. It’s Christmas Eve, you should be half in the bag by now.

SCROOGE
You keep Christmas in your way, and let me keep it in mine.

BUTCHY
(laughing): Right you are dear Uncle! I spread cheer throughout the year, and now look at me…I make this shit, look good.

SCROOGE
Let me alone, then!
Crotchit! What the devil are you looking at?

CROTCHIT
(stammering): Uh…Nothing sir!

SCROOGE
Then go about your business or you’ll find yourself without a job Christmas Eve!

CROTCHIT
(in a small voice):Yes, sir.

SCROOGE
And as for you Butchy, what do you want? I am a busy man!

BUTCHY
I want nothing from you. Sell me your property. I came here to ask you to dinner tomorrow.

SCROOGE
Sell you, my what!

BUTCHY
Did you hear that?

SCROOGE
No!

BUTCHY
You’re going to miss some sweet sweet food. The wife be cooking up a storm, man, I tell you what…You come by a little earlier and we can go toke it up in the garage. You know what I’m saying?

SCROOGE
(coldly): Good afternoon, sir!

BUTCHY
You can’t be that dumb.

SCROOGE
Is there an echo in here? I said, good afternoon!

BUTCHY
(trying to control his temper): You can’t piss me off Uncle, not today, not on Christmas Eve! And so, write your will and a Merry Christmas to you!

SCROOGE
Write my. (shouting) Good Afternoon!

BUTCHY
And a Happy New Year as well!

SCROOGE
(furious): Good afternoon!
SOUND: DOOR OPENS AND THEN SLAMS.

SCROOGE
Idiot! If he doesn’t think, what I don’t know, then he is dumber than I thought.

ANNOUNCER
Just then two Nuns in full habit enter the lobby.

SOUND: DOOR OPENING WITH BELLS.

BOTH NUNS
I believe this is it Sister. / Certainty have the numbers right, Sister.

ANNOUNCER
Confused by the odor that wafted about. The two Nuns went up the stairs.

SOUND: TWO SETS OF FOOTSTEPS GOING UP STAIRS.

FIRST NUN
Something, frightfully sinful about this place, isn’t it.

SECONED NUN
You’re quite right; it smells like the basement where we were punished.

FIRST NUN
Indeed. Here we are.

SOUND: DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES.

SOUND: CHECKING IN NOTEBOOK

FIRST NUN
Scrooge and Harley’s I believe. Have I the pleasure of addressing Mr. Scrooge or Mr. Harley?

SCROOGE
Well…who let you in?

FIRST NUN
The sign said open.

SCROOGE
Right. (curtly) That scumbag Harley’s been dead for seven years. Died seven years ago this very night he did.

SECONED NUN
(shocked): My Goodness! Is he alright?

SCROOGE
Hmmm, let me think? No! He is dead!…Well?…What do you want? Are you here to see the feature? If you are, tickets are sold downstairs…

FIRST NUN
(too heartily): Then you must be Mr. Scrooge!

SCROOGE
Well what of it I say?

FIRST NUN
At this joyous time of year, sir, we feel that something should be done about the poor. It’s an awful shame what there doing for the holidays this year.

SCROOGE
Are there no prisons?

SECONED NUN
(startled): Prisons, sir? Oh yes there are plenty of prisons.

SCROOGE
And workhouses?

FIRST NUN
Yes sir. There are plenty of workhouses, although I wish could say that there were none.

SCROOGE
If there were none, we would be in a whole heap of shit now wouldn’t we? Is that what you two want? A couple of thugs breaking into the convent. Rousting for panties…

FIRST NUN
The imagery is enough!

SECOND NUN
Forgive me Father!
SCROOGE
Now, what do you want? As you can see I am a very busy man!

FIRST NUN
(uncomfortably): Uh…We chose this time of year, to raise money, to help the poor.

SCROOGE
You mean a donation?

BOTH NUNS
Right!

FIRST NUN
What shall we put you down for?

SCROOGE
Nothing!

SECONED NUN
Oh you wish to remain anonymous?

SCROOGE
I wish to be left alone!

FIRST NUN
But sir...

SCROOGE
(furious): I do not make merry myself at Christmas time, and I refuse to make those shiftless, lazy people merry either. Now if you want to see the feature pay up, or else get out!

BOTH NUNS
But sir you must have. / Just a shilling or so could help.

SCROOGE
Will that be two tickets for “Dykes on Bikes”?

BOTH NUNS
Why I have never been so… / May you seek redemption my son.

SCROOGE
OUT!

SOUND: FEET SHUFFLING.
SOUND: DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES.

SOUND: OF PEOPLE FALLING DOWN STAIRS.

SCROOGE
Crotchit!

CROTCHIT
Yes sir.

SCROOGE
Get back to work or wax those stairs again. And no more bathroom breaks for you! You spend too much time in there as it is! Do you hear me?

CROTCHIT
Yes, sir.

SCROOGE
If you keep your eyes on the job instead of you’re…

CROTCHIT
Yes sir it’s just…

SCROOGE
You could potentially be somebody,… someday.

CROTCHIT
I mean it’s just…

SCROOGE
Just what? Out with it!

CROTCHIT
My family…I promised them that…

SCROOGE
What! That you would be home earlier on Christmas Eve? And maybe that I’ll let you have all of Christmas Day off, too?

CROTCHIT
(stammering): Oh yes, sir! I mean…If it suits you, sir!

SCROOGE
(sneering): Well, it does not suit me! What the hell kind of expression is that? “If it suits me?” Are you asking me if I like the idea?
CROTCHIT
(in a small voice): Yes, I think so sir.

SCROOGE
You think so huh? Do you think it fair for me to pay a whole day’s wages for no work? Who will run the projector tomorrow?

CRATCHIT
(stammering): But…it’s only once a year, sir.

SCROOGE
I was planning on showing “On Mistletoe Street”!

CROTCHIT
It is Christmas Day sir.

SCROOGE
Don’t snivel. I suppose you must have the whole day!

CROTCHIT
I’d be bathing as well sir!

SCROOGE
Against my better judgment.
(spitting the words out): Very well then! But…

CROTCHIT
Yes, sir?

SOUND: FOOTSTEPS WALKING DOWN STAIRS.

SCROOGE
You just make sure, that you’re here, all the earlier, the next morning! This place will be sticky for over a day and I want it to be ready for a surprise inspection from the health department, if need be!

CROTCHIT
(excitedly): And thank you, sir! Thank you very much!

SOUND: FOOTSTEPS RUNNING DOWN STAIRS.
SCROOGE
Enough of that! Go sweep out the bathrooms, dump the trashcans, and hose down the isles before you leave.

CROTCHIT
Yes, sir, sir! And…Merry Christmas!

SOUND: DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES, RINGING WITH THE BELLS.

SCROOGE
Humbug! Merry Christmas, indeed! It’s all just an excuse to pick a man’s pocket every twenty-fifth of December! Just propaganda that doesn’t have a single thread, of work ethic.

SOUND: DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES, RINGING WITH THE BELLS.

SOUND: LOCKING THE DOOR.

SCROOGE
Christmas! BAH! HUMBUG!

CAROL OF “OH CHRISTMAS TREE”.

ANNOUNCER
On the main street in the Red light District.

SOUND: CAR DRIVES BY, THROWING A BEER CAN OUT THE WINDOW.

ANNOUNCER
A couple of street lamps are flickering from bad wiring and a dirty, slushy, snow, borders each side of the street. It’s a rough area but the folks around here learn to live each other.

SOUND: BOTTLE ROCKET SHOOTING OFF.

SOUND: WINDOW BREAKING.

SOUND: BURGLER ALARM GOING OFF.

ANNOUNCER
And support one another on important issues.

DEALER
I got kind bud. Tens, twenty or fifty. Let the doctor heal your soul.

ANNOUNCER
Neighbors, a group of excited fans, and some homeless children fill up the street as Patrolman Happy walks the same beat he has for years.

FANS
Were number one! Were number one! Were number one! Were number one!

PATROLMAN HAPPY
(cheerfully): Good evening Mr. Scrooge. And a Merry Christmas to you!

SCROOGE
Bah! Humbug!

PATROLMAN HAPPY
(laughing): Now, now! What a way to be talking on a fine Christmas Eve.

SCROOGE
Fine. What the devil is that infernal racket?

PATROLMAN HAPPY
Why…It’s the fans from the game, sir.

SCROOGE
(muttering angrily): They should all be in bed at this hour! Not wandering about the street, howling like a pack of wild dogs!

PATROLMAN HAPPY
Now Mr. Scrooge, it’s their Christmas Championship. They do it every year!

SCROOGE
What a bunch of social who ha! Let me pass!

PATROLMAN HAPPY
Why don’t you just stand here and listen for a moment Mr. Scrooge? It will do you good. Who Ha is good for the soul. It’s like listening to a choir of angels!

FANS
Christmas time is good and fun.
Were not happy until we won.
When we won we knew best.
Better than all the rest!!!

SCROOGE
More like listening to a bunch of sport heads if you ask me! Let me pass I say! I am a very busy man!

PATROLMAN HAPPY
(firmly): Sorry, sir! You’ll just have to wait until they move on!

SCROOGE
Ridiculous!

FANS BUILD CHANT.

SCROOGE
Preposterous!

FANS BUILD CHANT.

SCROOGE
Outrageously, outrageous!

FANS STOP CHANTING.

FANS CLAP AND CHEER.

SCROOGE
Bah! Humbug I say!

FIRST FAN
Look everybody! It’s old man Scrooge!

SECONED FAN
You sick old skinflint! Sell your building it’s an eyesore!

THIRD FAN
There is nothing pornographic about sports!

FIRST FAN
Sitting inside that cum-dumpster, counting your profits!

SCROOGE
I beg your pardon sir!

SOUND: BOTTLE BEING BROKEN.

THIRD FAN
What don’t you like about sports Scrooge? Are they to rough for you?

FIRST FAN
Yeah, can’t handle that slamming sound?

SCROOGE
Stop that!

SECOND FAN
What makes you so special?

SCROOGE
Stop it, I say. I’ll have all of you arrested! Thrown in prison, where you belong!

SECOND FANS
Sounds like a dare?

SCROOGE
Stop it! I’ll have you boiled in your pudding!

THIRD FAN
Sounds like a double dare! Or a real sicko way of saying he likes us!

PATROLMAN HAPPY
(laughing): Now, now, Mr. Scrooge. They didn’t mean any harm. Just having a little fun is all. Move along folks the games over, time to go home.

FIRST FAN
Next time Scrooge.

PATROLMAN HAPPY
Go on, now! Run along before I run the lot of you in!

SCROOGE
(sputtering): Arrest them! They attacked me. I know my rights!

PATROLMAN HAPPY
Don’t get so worked up! They won’t be bothering you again, Mr. Scrooge. I’ll see to that.

SCROOGE
BAH!

PATROLMAN HAPPY
Now why don’t you try to enjoy the rest of your evening.

SCROOGE
HUMBUG!

PATROLMAN HAPPY
Good night Mr. Scrooge.

SOUND: GUST OF WIND.

ANNOUNCER
Scrooge makes his way to his door quite aware of his surroundings.

SOUND: FUMBLING WITH KEYS.

ANNOUNCER
When suddenly the face of Bob Marley appears where the door knocker was then vanishes.

SCROOGE
AHHHHH! I thought I saw a Rasta Man in that door knocker! My eyes must be playing tricks on me. It’s not there now…but what an awful sight it was! Made my blood ran cold!

SOUND: UNLOCKING THE DOOR.

SCROOGE
Strange, very strange, indeed.

SOUND: DOOR OPENING.

CAROL “SILENT NIGHT

SOUND: FOOTSTEPS UPSTAIRS.

ANNOUNCER
Scrooge enters his dark quarters, dusty with stacks of pornographic books. The windows covered with musty old drapes keeping out what little light, might shine in. Scrooge makes his way to his bed chamber where he sips a broth that has been brewing.

SOUND: FIRE CRACKLING.

SOUND: SIPPING BROTH.

SCROOGE
What a wretched time I’m having! First that pea-for-brains of a nephew. Then Crotchit and his whining. And then those horrid sports fans. And then, then (he shudders) that face! Gave me the creeps! Better look around. Can’t be to careful nowadays.

SOUND: PUTTING DOWN HIS BROTH.

SCROOGE
Well…No one can get in through this window. Its three flights up! And…there’s no one under the bed!

SOUND: KNEELING UNDER BED.

SCROOGE
No one…in the bed!

SOUND: BLANKETS SHOOK OUT.

SOUND: DOOR OPENING & CLOSING.

SCROOGE
And… no one in the closet! Well this is all too much excitement for an old man like me! A good night’s sleep and I’ll be ready to drink all day tomorrow! (yawning) This is what I need! A good night’s sleep!

SOUND: PILLOW BEING FLUFFED.

SCROOGE
(yawning) A good night sleep.

SOUND: CHAINS CLANKING.

SCROOGE
(frightened): What’s that?

SOUND: CHAINS CLANKING.

SCROOGE
(very frightened): Who’s there? Answer me! Who is there? The door, I forgot to lock my bedchamber door.

SOUND: RUNNING TO DOOR.

SOUND: LOCKING A DOOR.

SCROOGE
Lock the door! That’s right! Lock the locks! Lock all the locks! Tee, hee, hee! No one can get in here…now!

SOUND: CHAINS CLANKING.

SOUND: BOB MARLEY EFFECT.

BOB MARLEY
(speaking into a coffee can)
E-B-E-N-Z-E-R, S-C-R-O-O-O-O-O-G-E!

SCROOGE
AHHHH!

BOB MARLEY
(speaking into a coffee can)
E-B-E-N-Z-E-R, S-C-R-O-O-O-O-O-G-E !

SCROOGE
Please I don’t know you. Please leave me be. I haven’t done anything.

BOB MARLEY
S-I-L-E-N-C-E!

SCROOGE
But I haven’t.

BOB MARLEY
C-O-M-E H-E-R-E (pause) E-B-E-N-Z-E-R ! ! !

SCROOGE
Who…Who are you?
BOB MARLEY
In life we did not know each other. I am the Rasta God Bob Marley! Do you believe in me Mon?

SCROOGE
I…I don’t know!

SOUND: MATCH BEING LIT.

SOUND: JOINT BEING SMOKED THROUGHOUT THIS SCENE.

SCROOGE
Don’t do that!

BOB MARLEY
Relax, I grew it myself.

SCROOGE
(in a tiny voice): Oh it’s against the law in this state.

BOB MARLEY
Legalize it, don’t criticize it!

SCROOGE
But why? Why have you come to haunt me, Marley?

BOB MARLEY
I am here to help you Mon.

SOUND: HIT BEING TAKEN.

BOB MARLEY
Try it Scroogy.

SOUND: HIT BEING TAKEN.

SCROOGE
I don’t understand…

BOB MARLEY
In life, I never raised a finger in anger. I toured the world and changed people lives through my music. But there were people I did not smoke with. And because I didn’t like sharing the hooch, each opportunity missed became part of the chain. So now I am forced to wander the earth, trying to smoke people out. It is hard, Ebenezer. The chains are heavy. They pull me d-o-w-n…man.
SCROOGE
Why do you wear the chains?

BOB MARLEY
I just told you Mon! Because I must. They are the chains I created during life. I made them all by myself. Link by link…yard by yard. You, too, Ebenezer, have made the chains you wear.

SCROOGE
(his old self): I don’t know what you are insinuating? I wear no chains!

BOB MARLEY
(speaking into a coffee can)
H-E-A-R M-E!! M-Y T-I-M-E IS N-E-A-R-L-Y G-O-N-E ! ! !

SCROOGE
Let me have another hit.

SOUND: HIT BEGING SMOKED.

SCROOGE
I am listening, I am listening.

BOB MARLEY
I have come tonight to warn you.

SCROOGE
(scared again): Warn me?

BOB MARLEY
That roach is way to small. Toss it man…It’s cool.

SOUND: MATCH LIT.

SOUND: JOINT BEING LIT.

BOB MARLEY
I offer you one chance to escape my dreadful fate!

SCROOGE
Whoa, dude. That joint is huge.

SOUND: HIT BEING TAKEN.

SCROOGE
You were always a good recording artist, Bob Marley.

BOB MARLEY
You will be visited by three spirits!

SCROOGE
Yeah right? (giggling) I’d rather not be!

BOB MARLEY
Without their visits…
(speaking into a coffee can)
T-H-E-R-E I-S N-O H-O-P-E F-O-R Y-O-U ! ! !

SCROOGE
Whoa. Don’t trip me out…I get the point. You want me to wait for some freaky folks to come freak me out and scare me to death. I hear you man. I just think it’s a buzz-killer.

BOB MARLEY
Expect the first when the clock starts to strike midnight.

SCROOGE
Couldn’t they all come at once and get it over with?

BOB MARLEY
(speaking into a coffee can)
G-O-O-D-B-Y-E, E-B-E-N-E-Z-E-R, and… a…remember not to Bogart among friends.

SOUND: CHAINS CLANKING OFF.

SCROOGE
He’s gone. Vanished into thin air. It’s as if he was never here. Yes that is right I must have dozed off for a bit. Yes, the reason he vanished is because he was never here! I’ve been having a dream! It must be the broth I had earlier. But I do feel stoned. I swear I just smoked. Nothing but a nightmare I hope. (yawning) I should just, sleep it off. (yawns again) Just sleep.

SOUND: SNORING.

SOUND: CLOCK STRIKING MIDNIGHT.

SCROOGE
(after three strikes)
What…What is that? The clock striking midnight? But I just fell asleep? Eleven…TWELVE! MIDNIGHT! Midnight and not a spirit in sight. Now I know I was dreaming. Ha! Ha! Ha! There was no Bob Marley.

SOUND: CHRISTMAS GIMP EFFECT.

CHRISTMAS GIMP
Ebenezer Scrooge?

SCROOGE
(frightened): Who are you?

CHRISTMAS GIMP
I am the Christmas Gimp.

SCROOGE
I’m sorry say again?

CHRISTMAS GIMP
I am the Christmas Gimp.

SCROOGE
My God one leg is shorter than the other.

CHRISTMAS GIMP
Thanks for pointing that out.

SCROOGE
What do you want with me I could totally out run you right now.

CHRISTMAS GIMP
That’s for me to know and you to figure it out while accompanying me. Now hold my arm.

SCROOGE
I really don’t want to.

CHRISTMAS GIMP
EBENEZER SCROOGE YOU MUST! It’s no wonder why you’re in this position.

SCROOGE
(nervously): I don’t know what I have done
CHRISTMAS GIMP
Sure you do, you just don’t know it yet.

SCROOGE
You, you can’t be real?

CHRISTMAS GIMP
I am as real as my limp. Now take my arm I am no good on stairs.

SCROOGE
Why! Where are you taking me?

CHRISTMAS GIMP
We are going sightseeing Ebenezer.

SOUND: FOOTSTEPS WITH A DRAGGING FOOT.

SOUND: DOOR OPEN.

SOUND: FOOTSTEPS IN HALLWAY, DRAGGING A FOOT.

SCROOGE
I can’t go outside. I am kind of buzzed right now.

CHRISTMAS GIMP
It’s always something, isn’t it EBENEZER!

SCROOGE
I mean seriously. I don’t want to see anyone right now. Please! Don’t force me, to get on the elevator. What’s an elevator doing in my house?

CHRISTMAS GIMP
Do not tremble so, squeeze my arm, gently and I will guide you up. Come.

SOUND: ELEVATOR DOOR OPENS.

SOUND: ELEVATOR VOICE “ GOING UP”

SCROOGE
Oh, dear! Oh, dear me, the elevator is talking…

CHRISTMAS GIMP
And so it is, Ebenezer.

SOUND: ELEVATOR DOOR CLOSES.

MUSIC ELEVATOR VERSION OF “GOOD KING WENCESLAS”.

ANNOUNCER
The Christmas Gimp and Scrooge take the elevator high above the city. So high they are surrounded by clouds.

SOUND: A GAGGLE OF GEESE FLY BY.

SOUND: ELEVATOR VOICE “WE HAVE ARRIVED AT DESTINATION”.

SOUND: ELEVATOR DOOR OPENING AND CLOSING.

SOUND: A LIGHT BREEZE.

ANNOUNCER
As they get off the elevator…They somehow have entered Mr. Fezziwig’s theatre playhouse, as it was, years before Scrooge bought it and turn it into a cheap porn palace.

SCROOGE
Why I know this place! I apprenticed here. This is old Fezziwig’s playhouse! And look its Dick Biggins, my best friend, from my first job. Bless me! There he is as big as life. Who is that other fellow, Spirit?

CHRISTMAS GIMP
Look closer Ebenezer.

SCROOGE
Why, that’s me! Back when I was just a lad. Oh dear, dear me!

SOUND: HEAVY FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING.

SOUND: DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES.

SCROOGE
(excitedly): Bless my soul! There is old Fezziwig himself! It’s Fezziwig, alive again!

FEZZIWIG
Aright boys, how did strike go?

DICK BIGGINS
Everything is in order sir
YOUNG SCROOGE
The whole set of My Fair Lady.

DICK BIGGINS & YOUNG SCROOGE
It’s all put away sir!

FEZZIWIG
Well done lads, well done. I really couldn’t do it without you two helping. I’ve noticed all you have done around here. And so I want to announce that your apprenticeships are being upgraded to employees!

DICK & YOUNG SCROOGE
Thank you sir.

FEZZIWIG
And to prove this I invited the Stebbins Sisters.

STEBBINS SISTERS
High boys.

FEZZIWIG
Oh, I got you more of this.

SOUND: THE SOUND OF PLASTIC BAGGIES.

DICK & YOUNG SCROOGE
Thank you sir / Yes sir thank you much.

FEZZIWIG
I noticed the bowl of coco leaves was left out before strike, was clean gone by this morning.

DICK BIGGINS
It was a huge set, My Fair Lady and all.

YOUNG SCROOGE
I wasn’t sure we could do it.

FEZZIWIG
I knew you two could you two earned it. I still don’t know how you two can do the work you do? And let me reiterate that we don’t tell our parents about this treat we get a work do we?

DICK & YOUNG SCROOGE
No sir!

FEZZIWIG
Good So I figured this bag of opium would be helpful for the load in of HAMLET a day or two after Christmas.

DICK BIGGINS
My back sir, I’ve been having problems and…

FEZZIWIG
You think you got problems you should try living with my wife, ha, ha, ha. Now put on those dancing smiles and let’s get ready for the party?

DICK & YOUNG SCROOGE
There’s a party sir?

FEZZIWIG
The cast party!

STEBBINS SISTERS
We loved the show?

FEZZIWIG
You hear that, are you listening, my boys! No work tonight! It’s Christmas Eve, and a cast party! Christmas Eve! And a Cast party! Now clear out those flats and props, and let’s have a lot of room in here there’s some dancing to be done!

YOUNG SCROOGE
Yes sir!

DICK BIGGINS
Right away, Mr. Fezziwig!

SOUND: FURNITURE MOVEMENT NOISE.

SOUND: DOOR OPENS AND ACTORS, TECHNICAL PEOPLE, ARROGENT FRIENDS OF FEZZIWIG ENTER.

FEZZIWIG
Well there, my good woman, what do you carry there?

MRS. FEZZIWIG
Receipts Fezziwig. The Box office bombed tonight!

FEZZIWIG
Give her a hand lads!

MRS. FEZZIWIG
Didn’t you hear me! Stop living in a fantasy! It’s over. This theatre is about to go belly up.

FEZZIWIG
Well…I didn’t think…

MRS. FEZZIWIG
Now that seems to be the problem doesn’t it? You and all your theatre friends, all cheery and shit.

FEZZIWIG
Well what can I do dear?

MRS. FEZZIWIG
You can start by firing these worthless hacks, acting in them.

ACTOR PLAYING HIGGINS
I resent that madam! For even though the seats may not be full, I know that I in my quest to excel in every role I perform, it is the audience that let’s the theatre down.

MRS. FEZZIWIG
You’re listening to this Bollocks?

FEZZIWIG
It does sound good… you have to admit?

SOUND: SLAP ACROSS THE FACE.

MRS. FEZZIWIG
You want a piece of me? Well then, stop playing theatre fag, sell this dump and move us to Florida, or I am outta hear. Do you understand that Fezziwig? O-U-T-T-A H-E-R-E!!!

FEZZIWIG
Yes dear.

SOUND: WOMAN STORMING OFF.

SOUND: DOOR OPENING, THEN SLAMMING.

DICK BIGGINS
That’s the most pissed I have ever seen her.

YOUNG SCROOGE
I can’t believe its Christmas Eve.

FEZZIWIG
(saddened):Christmas Eve.
(excited): And a cast party! Break out the medicinal snuff box and let’s get the party started!

STEBBINS SISTERS
Is that stuff dangerous?

CAROL: “THE TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS.
SOUND: DANCE CIRCLE.

SOUND: SNORTING DRUGS.

SOUND: CLAPPING & CHEERYNESS.

SOUND: SNORTING DRUGS.

SOUND: CLOCK STRIKING MIDNIGHT.

SILENCE EXCEPT FOR CLOCK STRIKING.

SCROOGE
What’s this? Don’t stop! Please! The party has just begun!

CHRISTMAS GIMP
They can not hear you, Ebenezer. They are but shadows of a distant past.

SCROOGE
I must be high. (upset): I don’t believe you! Music if you please! Dick my boy. The night is young. Enjoy it while you can! Dear old Fezziwig. What a pleasure you gave to everyone! What happiness lived within these walls! I wish I could say a word or two to dear Bob Crotchit.

CHRISTMAS GIMP
Do you have some change?

SCROOGE
What for? I have some.

CHRISTMAS GIMP
Just give it here!

SCROOGE
You do get moody, don’t you?

SOUND: DROPPING COINS.

SCROOGE
That’s all I have.

CHRISTMAS GIMP
Thanks a lot! Most folks don’t tip for shit.

SOUND: FOOTSTEP WITH DRAGGING LEG, WALKING AWAY.

SCROOGE
Spirit! Don’t leave me here! Wait!

SOUND: BUS PULLING UP AND OPENING IT”S DOOR.

CHRISTMAS GIMP
FAREWEEELLLLL…….(coughing fit)… farewell.

SOUND: BUS DRIVING OFF.

SCROOGE
What now? I can’t see a thing with all this exhaust? Where am I?

SOUND: WIND HOWLING.

SCROOGE
It’s cold, so cold. Where could I be? What is that sound?

SOUND: SLIEGH BELLS OFF IN DISTANCE.

SCROOGE
I know those bells!

SOUND: SLIEGH BELLS.

SOUND: SLIEGH BELLS FADE INTO CORVETTE PULLING UP AND REVVING ITS ENGINE.

SANTA
HO, HO, Ho. EBENEZER SCROOGE I BELIEVE!
SCROOGE
(nervously): Depends on who wants to know?

SANTA
I am SANTA! Look upon me!

SCROOGE
You are who?

SANTA
Santa, you know, Ho Ho Ho, whatever get with the program Ebenezer! I had a last minute present to coal switch, get in so we can make up some time. Ebenezer?

SCROOGE
(stammering): I will go with you.

SOUND: CAR DOOR OPENING, THEN SHUTTING.

SANTA
HO, Ho, Ho. I hope you like the highway!

SOUND: CAR SQEALING OFF AT A HIGH RATE.

CAROL: GOD RESTS YOU MERRY GENTLEMAN.

ANNOUNCER
Moments later after the Cloudy highway thrill ride, Scrooge and Santa using binoculars, peep inside the Crotchit home, from afar they can see a fireplace is warming the house.

SOUND: CARRYING PLATES.

MRS. CROTCHIT
(worried): What has happened to your father and your feeble brother Tiny Tim?

BELINDA
(soothingly): They’ll be here shortly, Mother. I shouldn’t worry.

SOUND: DOOR OPENING & CLOSING.

PETER
(brightly): This should be enough firewood, Mother.

SOUND: LOGS CLANKING.
MRS. CROTCHIT
Thank you, Peter. What a good boy you are.

PETER
(embarrassed): Well…After all, It’s Christmas Day!

MRS. CROTCHIT
That it is Peter. That it is! Belinda…Please fetch the napkins and, oh yes, the punch bowl and cups.

BELINDA
Yes, Mother.

MRS. CROTCHIT
You give your sister a hand Peter.

PETER
Yes, Mother. The twins are bringing in the roasted goose.

SOUND: FOOTSTEPS.

BOY
(excitedly):Mother! Mother! Mother! Just look at the goose!

GIRL
(excitedly):Mother could you smell it all the way down the street!

BOY
The baker said he roasted it with sage and onions!

GIRL
Doesn’t it smell wonderful?

MRS. CROTCHIT
It certainly does! But we all remember how Tiny Tim can’t eat anything with sage in it?

BELINDA
Where do you want the punch bowl, Mother.

MRS. CROTCHIT
Over on the cupboard dear.

SOUND: PLACING PUNCH BOWL ON CUPBOARD.

BOY & GIRL
Belinda! Look! Look at the goose!

BELINDA
(laughing): I have never seen a finer-looking goose!

MRS. CROTCHIT
Peter? Would fetch the potatoes and applesauce?

PETER
Yes, Mother. Is there anything else while I am up?

MRS. CROTCHIT
Not right now Peter. Thank you.

BELINDA
Where is Martha, Mother?

MRS. CROTCHIT
(worried): I don’t know. She’s never been late for Christmas dinner before!

SOUND: DOOR OPENING AND CLOSING.

MARTHA
(surprisingly): Here’s Martha, Mother!

BOY & GIRL
(jumping & chanting): Martha! Martha! Martha!

MRS. CROTCHIT
Why bless my heart! How are you, my dear? Hush little ones, listen to Martha.

MARTHA
I had a great deal of work to finish up, Mother. I hope you weren’t worried. I wanted to shower after that last one.

MRS. CROTCHIT
Well never mind, so long as you’re here. Come sit by the fire and warm yourself. Girl you best get away from the window before you catch a cold.

Boy
Here, Martha, sit here!

GIRL
I can see Father walking down the street. And Tiny Tim!

PETER
Hide, Martha, hide!

MRS. CROTCHIT
Peter I don’t want to ask you again, fetch the potatoes and applesauce.

PETER
FINE!

BOY & GIRL
Yes! Do hide! Please, Martha!

MARTHA
Where?

BOY
Behind the cupboard!

SOUND: MARTHA HIDING BEHIND CUPBOARD.

SOUND: DOOR OPENS & CLOSES.

ANNOUNCER
Bob Crotchit is carrying Tiny Tim, who is wrapped in a blanket and holding a little, flammable, wooden, crutch.

MRS. CROTCHIT
(relieved): So, here you two are! We were beginning to wonder.

CROTCHIT
Sorry, my dear!

MRS. CROTCHIT
How was my sickly Tiny Tim?

CROTCHIT
Just as a good as gold he was.

TINY TIM
(coughing): Mother my clothes are wet.

CROTCHIT
Why where’s our Martha?

MRS CROTCHIT
(sadly): Not coming.

CROTCHIT
(very upset): Not coming! Not coming on Christmas Day?

MARTHA
(laughing): Here I am, Father!

CROTCHIT
Martha!

MARTHA
Oh I am so glad to see you and my favorite brother Tiny Tim.

TINY TIM
Help me please, I need to get out of these wet clothes. Father had me fishing out change from the fountain again and…

MRS. CROTCHIT
Well now!

TINY TIM
It was frozen over in spots.

MRS. CROTCHIT
Let us sit down or the goose will be stone cold.

BOY
Yes! The goose!

BELINDA
And the applesauce.

PETER
And the fucking potatoes!

CROTCHIT
Peter! It’s a holy day. Could you limit your vocabulary to Christmas things! Could you? I bust my ass in a friggin porn palace to put those potatoes in front of you. Now if you can’t settle down and control your hormones you can leave this dinner.

PETER
Well maybe, I will?

CROTCHIT CHILDREN
Please don’t / It wouldn’t be the same without you. / Who will I play postman with?

PETER
Shut up all of you!

TINY TIM
Please, I have the cold shakes. Someone needs to change me out of these cold wet clothes for my hands are too numb.

CROTCHIT
Mother. What do you say?

MRS. CROTCHIT
It’s up to you Bob; you know I am not good at this.

CROTCHIT
Peter?

PETER
Yeah!

CROTCHIT
Strike three! Yoouuurrrr out!

PETER
I hate you! I hate all of you!!!!

CROTCHIT
Yeah, yeah. Don’t let the door hit your fanny on the way out.

PETER
I don’t need you! I can do it on my own!

CROTCHIT
Talk to me once the temperature drops…
(obnoxiously) Below zero!

PETER
MOM! Are you letting him do this?

MRS. CROTCHIT
We have given you plenty of chances, Peter. It’s Christmas Day and even the last supper had some manors!!

PETER
What does that mean? You all know nothing! Screw all of you!

SOUND: DOOR OPENING.

SOUND: WIND HOWLING.

PETER
I don’t need this pressure; I do enough good things in this…

SOUND: DOOR SHUTTING AND WIND STOP.

CROTCHIT
Now I know how the rest of you feel about Peter. So let’s not talk about him anymore. Ever. Alright?

CROTCHIT CHILDREN
Yes father. / I will. / Peter who? / Who will I play postman with?

CROTCHIT
Now, before we sit down…

BELINDA
Here Tiny have some goose. It’s nice and warm.

TINY TIM
Thank you, you always seem to know when I need help.

BELINDA
Be sure to chew it good.

TINY TIM
Could you please…?
CROTCHIT
One conversation at a time Tiny Tim. I would like to make a toast!

ALL
Hear, hear! A toast!

CROTCHIT
A Merry Christmas to us all, my dears. God bless us!

ALL
God bless us!

CROTCHIT
And…I feel that it is only proper to raise our cups.

ALL
Yes.

CROTCHIT
In a toast to…

ALL
Yes. Yes.

CROTCHIT
to…to Mr. Scrooge.

SOUND: ALL MAKE SHOCKED SOUNDS.

MRS. CROTCHIT
(surprised & angry): Mr. Scrooge! That stingy, hard, unfeeling penis of a man?

CROTCHIT
My dear, the children for God’s sake!

MRS. CROTCHIT
He’s a dreadful man! You know he is. No one knows better than you!

CROTCHIT
(soothingly): My dear. Have you forgotten the true meaning of Christmas? I know what he has done to you, to me, to Peter. But, it certainly won’t do you any harm to drink to his health. It is Christmas Day after all?

MRS. CROTCHIT
(unwillingly): Very well! I’ll drink to his health…for your sake…and because it is Christmas Day. But I want to say…

TINY TIM
(quietly & in pain): My vision is blurring.

MRS. CROTCHIT
(ashamed): All right, dear. Long life to him! A Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

CROTCHIT
God bless him!

ALL
God bless Mr. Scrooge!

SOUND: GLASSES CLINKING.

TINY TIM
There’s sage in the chicken.

SOUND: SLIEGH BELLS.

SCROOGE
(very moved): Tell me, Santa. Will Tiny Tim live?

SANTA
I cannot say, but I see a vacant stool by the fireside and a well worn crutch used for cooking marshmallows.

SCROOGE
(crying out): Oh, no, kind Santa! Tell me he will not die!

SANTA
I cannot!

SOUND: CAR STARTING, REVVING.

SANTA
Come, Ebenezer buckle up. There is another place that we must visit.

SOUND: CAR PEELING OUT AT HIGH SPEED.

SCROOGE
Where must you take me, the road is spinning!
SANTA
Look again Ebenezer!

SOUND: CAR SQEALING TO A STOP.

SCROOGE
Why its my nephew, Butchy’s home. He is having a tree decorating party it looks like. Is this happening right now?

SOUND: CAR SLOWLY PULLING UP THEN SHUTTING OFF.

SANTA
Get out of the car and watch and learn Ebenezer.

SOUND: CAR DOOR OPENING, THEN SHUTTING.

SOUND: SLIEGH BELLS.

BUTCHY
Ha, ha, ha, ha!

WIFE
Butchy, whatever is so funny?

BUTCHY
My Uncle Ebenezer! Ha, ha, ha! When I stopped by, he was just plain rude. That man wouldn’t know a good thing if it hit him in the head. I tried to invite him to Christmas dinner, and do you know what that dirty man said?

WIFE
Something quite dreadful, I’m sure.

BUTCHY
He said that Christmas is a humbug! Can you imagine that! Not only stupid to the fact he is sitting on a prime piece of real-estate, he is impotent as well.

SOUND: PARTYGOERS LAUGHS.

WIFE
Impolite dear.

BUTCHY
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! That reminds.

WIFE
Goodness, you’re giddy today, Butchy! What is it now?

BUTCHY
I’ve just thought of a funny ass, riddle! You want to hear it?

WIFE
I am in no mood for jokes right now.

BUTCHY
It’s not a joke. It’s a riddle. (laughing as he talks) Well check this out? Can you think of a rather old animal, a fairly large animal, quite disagreeable all of the time, an animal that growls on one occasion, grunts on another, vomits occasionally, is not an horse, cow, tiger, or, bear?

WIFE
(bewildered): Oh, dear me! I’m afraid I haven’t the slightest idea!

BUTCHY
(roaring with laughter): MY UNCLE EBENEZER!

SOUND: EVERYONE LAUGHS.

WIFE
(laughing): Oh, Butchy! How you do carry on!

PARTYGOER
And frightfully rich, eh, Butch?

SOUND: EVERYONE LAUGHS THEN AWKARDLY STOPS.

BUTCHY
What business is that of yours?

PARTYGOER
Nothing I was just making conversation…

BUTCHY
Well don’t! This is my party. Okay? I am the conservationist! You got that?

PARTYGOER
Uh…Sure thing…Oh look, my drink needs ice.

SOUND: FOOTSTEPS WALKING AWAY.

BUTCHY
And you know what else?

EVERYONE
What, what?

BUTCHY
He never spends a penny of his precious money. Never! Not even on himself!

WIFE
That’s true! He lives like the bums he has working for him.

BUTCHY
You really think so?

WIFE
Why of course he does!

BUTCHY
All right then, let’s sing.

CAROL: “DECK THE HALLS” 3rd VERSE INTO A HUM.

BUTCHY
Is something wrong, dear?

WIFE
Oh…I just was thinking about your Uncle Ebenezer.

BUTCHY
Well, that’s no reason to have such a long face. You want Butchy give you some of big Butchy love?

WIFE
Seriously Butchy, I think he’s a perfectly horrid old man!

BUTCHY
(cheerfully): I don’t feel sorry for him. If he wants to lock himself up in that rat infested, sex pool, well then so be it. He doesn’t hurt me by his foul temper? Only himself that poor ole limp dick.

WIFE
That’s not what I heard?

BUTCHY
Whatever. He refused to dine with us and look what happened?

WIFE
He’s not here!

BUTCHY
And thus he will miss out on a wonderful Christmas dinner.

WIFE
(sexily): It was a nice dinner, wasn’t it, Butchy?

BUTCHY
The very best.

SOUND: KISS

WIFE
How about desert Butchy?

BUTCHY
Put that tit away, before someone sees it.

WIFE
Come on Butchy take me, like the time we pulled over at that filthy rest stop in America.

BUTCHY
Alright then come along now. The tree’s almost finished and the guests are still here. Let’s do it while you wear Christmas stockings, near the fireplace!

WIFE
In front of everyone?

BUTCHY
Tis the season!

SCROOGE
A spitting image of me. Go Butchy go!

SOUND: CLOCK STRIKING.

SCROOGE
I’ve never had the slightest pleasure from all my money, aside from the cocaine and whores. It’s never given anyone a moment’s joy. I’ve just gathered money, piles and piles of money, and never done a lick of good with it! Even that filthy, dirty, horny, wife of Butchy is right. I am a horrid old man. There is not a creature on this earth that gives a fig about me…except that sheep I met on that pasture retreat but on the feast night we had mutton and I never saw her again. DAMN IT! Santa where are you, where did you go? Don’t leave me alone, I realized I brought it all on myself. Oh (wailing), if I had only known!

ANNOUNCER
As if it was meant to happen, a mysterious fog of snowy dew surrounds Scrooge.

SOUND: CHRISTMAS FUTURE EFFECT.

SCROOGE
What is that figure I see coming from that metallic sphere of a ship. Who are you?

SOUND: CHRISTMAS FUTURE EFFECT.

SCROOGE
Am I in the presence of the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come?

SOUND: CHRISTMAS FUTURE EFFECT.

SCROOGE
(trembling): Alien domination! I fear you most of all. But I know you mean me only good with those cute round eyes and long lustful hands. I hope to learn to be a better man from all that you will show me. Lead on! I shall follow!

SOUND: CHRISTMAS FUTURE EFFECT.

SOUND: WIND HOWLING.

ANNOUNCER
Scrooge and the Alien walk hand in hand. Illuminating their way by the Aliens tiny glowing heart.

SOUND: WIND HOWLING.

SCROOGE
What part of town are we in? Oh, this place is rough. I mean really, what a dreadful place! Graffiti everywhere. So, forgotten and forlorn. Please Alien slow down, I am too frightened. If I am to learn what this means then so be it! But slow down, my bunions can’t take it!

SOUND: CHRISTMAS FUTURE EFFECT.

SCROOGE
This is an old, creepy graveyard? What kind of kinky shit are you into. Why have you brought me here? What is that you wish to show me?

SOUND: CHRISTMAS FUTURE EFFECT.

SCROOGE
(terrified): What’s with these gravestones, you make me walk amongst. Why?

SOUND: CHRISTMAS FUTURE EFFECT.

ANNOUNCER
As the Alien leads Scrooge through the darkest part of the graveyard crop circle, a tombstone comes into focus.

SCROOGE
Who lies within that grave? Answer me, Alien! Who lies within this grave, Forgotten for all eternity?

ANNOUNCER
With a swift movement of the Alien’s elongated arm, Scrooge like a dominatrix pet is pushed to the base of the gravestone. It was then, he noticed his own name.

SCROOGE
My own name!

ANNOUNCER
His own name!

SCROOGE
EBENEZER SCROOGE! Oh, no, Alien! No, no, no! Hear me! I am not the man I was. I will not be the man I have been. Good Alien! Why do you show me this if I am beyond all hope? Tell me that I can change what I see before me! Tell me how I can wash away the writing on this stone! Tell me what I must do!

SOUND: VELCRO TEARING OPEN WITH ROBOT BEEPING.

SOUND: SCROOGE SOBS.

SCROOGE
I swear to you that this is not necessary. Must I dress like Little bo peep? Please dear Alien I will never forget the lessons that I have been taught. I will keep Christmas in my heart…More than that! I will keep it all year round. I will live in the past, the present, and the future, and the things that have happened to me, all three shall shine within me! This I swear to you! Now please….

SOUND: SHEEP BRAYING.

SCROOGE
You have got to be a jovial one aren’t ye?

SOUND: ALIEN IN EXTASCY.

SCROOGE
Fine. Help me with these pigtails at least. Now where did you say these photographs will be exhibited?

ALIEN VOICE
Internet.

SOUND: CLUB MUSIC FROM SPACE

SOUND: CAMERA USING SPEED FILM.

SOUND: ALIEN IN EXTASCY.

SOUND: LAS VEGAS SLOT MACHINE BELLS RINGING.

SOUND: ALIEN IN EXTASCY.

SOUND: CHURCH BELLS RINGING.

SCROOGE
(awakened-like): What? Where… am I? Why I am back in my own bedroom! I’m here! I can’t believe it!

SOUND: SCROOGE LAUGHING.
SCROOGE
I can’t believe it. I don’t know what to do! I’m as light as a feather! I feel as strong as an ox! I’m as happy as an angel and as merry as a schoolboy. I don’t even know what day it is, what month or what year for that matter. I feel so alive! I must find out what day it is.

SOUND: FOOTSTEPS RUNNING.

SOUND: WINDOW OPENING.

SCROOGE
What a glorious day! Glorious! Golden sunlight! Sweet fresh air! And listen…

SOUND: SLIEGH BELLS.

SCROOGE
Merry bells! What a wonderful sound!

SOUND: SHEEP BRAYING.

SCROOGE
Merry Christmas soft prince.
(calling)
Yoo-hoo! You down there, young boy! What day is it today?

YOUNG BOY
(far away): Stay away from me! You hear?

SCROOGE
But of course silly boy you tell me what day it is, and I’ll throw down a couple of shillings.

YOUNG BOY
A couple of shillings! Have you seen the economy lately I can’t get day old bread for a couple of shillings!

SCROOGE
Right. Well how about twenty of them, then.

YOUNG BOY
Now you’re talking. Yes, sir! It’s Christmas Day sir!

SCROOGE
Well catch these.

SOUND: COINS DROPPING.

YOUNG BOY
In nickels. You are paying me with twenty shillings in nickels?

SCROOGE
Can’t say I keep much paper money around. But listen, do you know the poultry butcher? The one on the next street, around the corner?

YOUNG BOY
You mean the one near the leather bar?

SCROOGE
My, oh my! What an intelligent lad you are. Have they sold the prize turkey?

YOUNG BOY
What? You mean the one as big as me?

SCROOGE
What a delightful boy! Remarkable boy! Is it still hanging there?

YOUNG BOY
I thought I saw it but I might have been hallucinating.

SCROOGE
Go buy it and bring it back here. Come right back and I’ll give you thirty more shillings.

YOUNG BOY
In nickels?

SCROOGE
Come back in less than five minutes and you can keep the change from the bird!

YOUNG BOY
That will fix me up real good sir!
SOUND: FOOTSTEPS RUNNING AWAY.

SCROOGE
Look at him run! Bless his little heart!

SOUND: WINDOW SHUTTING.

SCROOGE
It’s Christmas Day! CHRISTMAS DAY! I haven’t missed it. The Spirits have done it all in one night! I can’t believe it was only one night! How glorious of a day! I must go calling! Oh, dear! So much to do? So much to make up for. Oh dear, Oh dear! Must dress quickly! Must get on with my day, my life! How wonderful can it be?

SOUND: OPENING THE CLOSET DOOR.

SCROOGE
I must dress my best. For today is the beginning of the rest of my life.

ANNOUNCER
On the main street of the Red light district. It is busy with saddened folks that have no home, happy with the spirit of Christmas however cold from the damp night sleet storm these folks are able to put aside differences for the day.

SOUND: HOMELESS REDLIGHTERS WRESTLING.

SOUND: STABBING NOISE.

REDLIGHTER ONE
What? Are serious you just bloody stabbed me?

REDLIGHTER TWO
I didn’t mean too. I love you I’ll share anything I find with you I just got excited about the knife I got you.

REDLIGHTER ONE
You got me a new knife?

REDLIGHTER TWO
Well once used.

REDLIGHTER ONE
You are my best friend. Oh yeah now its bleeding.
REDLIGHTER TWO
I’m sorry about that; here wrap your self up in this moldy towel.

REDLIGHTER ONE
Not sure what penicillin can do right now? But before anything gets too wishy washy Merry Christmas.

REDLIGHTER TWO
Can I have your boots?

REDLIGHTER ONE
Just wait till I bleed out?

REDLIGHTER TWO
Merry Christmas Dearborn.

SOUND: HEARTBEAT OR PULSING BLOOD SOUND...

ANNOUNCER
And so Scrooge bundled up, walks with confidence past the bloody scene and bumps into some sport fans from the day before.

SOUND: Footsteps walking then shuffling around something.

SCROOGE
Oh pardon me kind fellows. Season’s greetings, my friends!

FIRST FAN
(not believing his eyes): Is that you Mr. Scrooge?

SCROOGE
That it is, my fine fellow! And a Merry Christmas to you!

FIRST FAN
(flabbergasted): And what delicious elixir has your breakfast been there, Mr. Scrooge.

SCROOGE
How very kind of you, my friend! Nothing more than some ole broth is all! And isn’t it a glorious morning!

SECOND FAN
Uh…Why yes, it is, Mr. Scrooge…

SCROOGE
And what a fine Christmas hat you have on!

SECOND FAN
You think so?

SCROOGE
It’s odd in shape and makes you look somewhat baboonish. However it does show off those big eyes of yours! Oh look there is the young Lad with the prize winning turkey?

YOUNG BOY
(panting): Yes, sir! Here you are! Now give me my money. Give me my money!

SCROOGE
Why… Thank you, my boy! What a wonderful lad! Bright as a button. Tell you what, my boy. You carry the turkey, where I’m going, and I’ll double your money!

YOUNG BOY
Double my money that is a long pub tab.

SCROOGE
I’m sure it. Now can you hold that bird nice and high?

YOUNG BOY
Yes sir Mr. Scrooge.

SCROOGE
(to the crowd): Now. If all of you we’ll excuse us, we’ll be off. I think it is lovely that your all out an about. Blessed be the light.

SOUND: PEOPLE MOVING AROUND AS IN A CROWD

SCROOGE
But before I go, I’d like to say to each and every one of you that…

SCROOGE SINGS: “I WISH YOU A MERRY CHRISTMAS”.

HOMELESS REDLIGHTERS SING: “WE WISH YOU A MERRY CHRISTMAS” 2nd VERSE

ANNOUNCER
And so Scrooge, the prize winning turkey and the young boy, made there way off. Singing and skipping down the street, completely ignoring the broken glass and used needles that litter the gutters. Whereupon they come to the Crotchit home.

SOUND: KNOCKING ON DOOR.

SCROOGE
Come on Crotchit! I know you’re in there!

MRS. CROTCHIT
Is that dreadful noise coming from Scrooge’s foul mouth?

CROTCHIT
Never mind dear, it’s Christmas. No matter what he says or does he can’t take this day away from us.

SOUND: KNOCKING ON DOOR.

SCROOGE
Open up I tell you! Before I take this day away from you!

SOUND: KNOCKING ON DOOR.

SOUND: DOOR OPENING.

CROTCHIT
Well…hello, Mr. Scrooge.

SCROOGE
Hello! Hello dear Crotchit? I think you mean Merry Christmas!

CROTCHIT
Why, Mr. SCROOGE!

SCROOGE
MERRY CHRISTMAS, BOB!

MRS CROTCHIT
I can’t believe it. I hear happy talk?

SCROOGE
A Merry Christmas to you, Mrs. Crotchit. And to all your fine children, even that sickly one with the limp.
MRS. CROTCHIT
Is that really you Mr. Scrooge?

SCROOGE
Mrs. Crotchit! Would you do me the very great honor of accepting this small token of my affection toward you and Mr. Crotchit and your wonderful family?

MRS. CRATCHIT
Why…I don’t know what to say!

SCROOGE
Say “yes,” Mrs. Crotchit, and make an old man very happy! Give it to her Boy.

YOUNG BOY
Yes, sir. Here you go ma’am. It’s a weighty bird.

MRS. CROTCHIT
Why thank you Mr. Scrooge. Maybe I was wrong about what really makes you tick.

SCROOGE
Only the best, for my favorite employee’s family.
Here you go boy, enough for oblivion, huh?

SOUND: COINS DROPPING.

YOUNG BOY
Thank you sir!

SOUND: DOOR CLOSES.

SCROOGE
Now…Come here, children I want each of you to hold out your hand, and close your eyes.

ALL CHILDREN EXCITED.

SCROOGE
My, my, my! You’ve got such tiny little hands. Hold them out. That’s it.

SOUND: COINS DROPPED FOR EACH CHILD.

CROTCHIT CHILDREN
Thank you Mr. Scrooge!
SCROOGE
Now where is that scrap of a child?

MARTHA
He is sitting by the fire in a feverish sweat.

SCROOGE
And so he is. Tiny Tim there seems to be some shillings left?

TINY TIM
(exhausted like): Do you think it could buy me some time?

SCROOGE
I think you might be able to buy some sweets, But enough of that now, it’s Christmas. Come, Tiny Tim! Off with your cap!

TINY TIM
Yes, sir…could you…please…I need my medication… I ate sage my breathing…please?

SOUND: COINS DROPPED INTO TINY TIM’S CAP.

SCROOGE
There! That’s better. Wouldn’t do, to have all these shilling’s go to waste, now would it Tiny Tim?

SOUND : COINS DROPPED.

TINY TIM
(coughing): Medical attention

SOUND: COINS FALLING TO FLOOR AND ROLLING TO A STOP.

SCROOGE
Ah, listen to Tiny count and look now he naps, so cute. Now as for you, Bob Crotchit, I have just one thing to say to you…

CROTCHIT
Yes, Sir?
SCROOGE
How you’ve managed to get along on the miserable wage I’ve paid you all these years is beyond ME!

CROTCHIT
Well, sir, I…Uh…

SCROOGE
Well? Speak up, man! What are we going to do about it?

CROTCHIT
I…Uh… Well…

SCROOGE
I suppose your wife for a night, is out of the question, so I’ll just have to double it!

CROTCHIT
Double it? Well, sir…I don’t know…

SCROOGE
(interrupting): Very well! You’ve talked me into it.

CROTCHIT
I did sir?

SCROOGE
I’ll just have to triple it!

CRATCHIT FAMILY SHOCKED.

CROTCHIT
(stammering): Well…Thank you sir. I mean…

SCROOGE
(interrupting): Not another word, Crotchit! I insist!

CROTCHIT
(overwhelmed): Thank you, sir! Thank you very much!

SCROOGE
Your welcome dear Crotchit, your family is worth every nickel.

MRS. CROTCHIT
I was all wrong about you Mr. Scrooge.

SCROOGE
It seems you were Mrs. Crotchit.

SOUND: ALL THE CROTCHIT’S LAUGH.
SCROOGE
Now where is that splendid specimen of a son Peter?

CROTCHIT
Well it’s kind of complicated you see…

SCROOGE
Right I understand. Is he trying to test the boundaries of adult life?

CROTCHIT
I mean that just it, testing here testing there.

MRS. CROTCHIT
And the language.

CROTCHIT
So after much thought I decided to kick him to the curb. Let him know what tough love is all about.

SCROOGE
Hmm…Too sad for me to care about… Any way’s it’s a glorious day and I would rather not have my emotions played with, so, I’m off.

MR. CRATCHIT
Oh, please stay dear Scrooge?

TINY TIM
(coughing): Please. There is a man with a sickle waving me on.

MRS. CRATCHIT
Come now Tiny, It’s a Christmas party not a pity party.

TINY TIM
(coughing): And though I venture down the valley of death, I fear no evil.

SCROOGE
What a adorable poem. Well needless to say, I must get on to my nephew Butchy’s house. His wife invited me to their house and I must follow through. She cooks up a storm you know.

SOUND: DOOR OPENING.

SCROOGE
And so, Merry Christmas to you all.

CRATCHIT FAMILY
Merry Christmas, Mr. Scrooge.

SOUND: TINY TIM PASSING OUT AND FALLING TO THE FLOOR.

MRS. CRATCHIT
Please Tiny if you’re going to nap and drool during this time of joy go to your crib.

SOUND: DOOR CLOSES.

SCROOGE
Oh what a glorious day it truly is.

SOUND: SLEIGHBELLS GOING BY.

SCROOGE
Merry Christmas to you!

SOUND: DOOR KNOCKING.

SCROOGE
Come on Butchy! Open up! I know you are home!

SOUND: DOOR OPENS.

BUTCHY
(dumbfounded):Uncle?

SCROOGE
A Merry Christmas, Butchy?

SOUND: FOOTSTEPS APPROACH.

WIFE
Butchy? Who is calling so early in the day?
(noticing) Why…UNCLE EBENEZER!

SCROOGE
Am I still invited for Christmas dinner? I realize that I’m a little early…but…

BUTCHY
Why of course, Uncle!
SOUND: SCROOGE ENTERING AND DOOR CLOSING.

WIFE
Merry Christmas to you.

SCROOGE
Merry Christmas to all of YOU!

BUTCHY
I believe you know Crotchit’s son Peter?

SCROOGE
Why yes, I was just at the Crotchit”s home. Hello Peter.

PETER
Hello Ebenezer, still giving piano lessons?

WIFE
Well tonight he is the entertainment!

SCROOGE
This is a happy holiday isn’t it.

WIFE
He has this whole routine he does.

SCROOGE
A bit of a performer are ye?

BUTCHY
I’ll say.

SCROOGE
Well Peter, I’ve just come from your parent’s house. Quite delightful they all were. They tell me your performance of an under loved, rebellious over sexed teenager is ruining the moral fiber of the family especially on Christmas. Well, what do you have to say for yourself?
PETER
You keep Christmas in your way, and let me keep it in mine!

CAROL: “WE WISH YOU A MERRY CHRISTMAS”.

SOUND: RADIO CHIME.

ANNOUNCER
You have been listening to WriteActReportory Radio Showcase of a Horrible, Christmas Carol. We now would like to thank the following:

(list all cast members of this performance)

And all the folks that came out for this joyous live studio broadcast, and you, yes you our listening home audience. So hang your stockings and say your prayers cause Santa clause coming soon.

CAROL: HERE COMES SANTA CLAUSE.

CURTAIN CALL PLEASE.

End of play.