THE DEVIL'S BRIDE
A Sequel to William Shakespeare's Much Ado About Nothing
by Joan Silsby
CAST OF CHARACTERS
DON PEDRO, Prince of Aragon
DUKE LEONATO, Govenor of Messina
DON JOHN, Bastard Brother to Don Pedro
BENEDICK, a young Lord of Padua, husband to Beatrice
CLAUDIO, a young Lord of Florence, husband to Hero
CONRADE, Manservant to Don John
BORACHIO, Confidant to Don John
DOGBERRY, a Constable
VERGES, a Headborough
BEATRICE, niece to Leonato, wife to Benedick
HERO, daughter to Leonato, wife to Claudio
ALLEGRA, sister to Benedick
MARISOL, a spirit, dead wife to Don John
MARGARET, a lady in waiting to Hero
SURGEON
FRIAR FRANCIS
DEPUTY OF THE WATCH
SOLDIERS
SCENE: Messina in Sicily, at the estate of DUKE LEONATO.
DESCRIPTION OF THE SETS
JAIL CELL: a cot or long bench, maybe a table with bread and water, a stool
DON JOHN'S ROOM: furnished as befits a visiting prince; a bed, a chair, a table with books, papers, a bottle of wine and a glass
GARDEN AT THE ESTATE: no special props; just looks garden-y
LINEN CLOSET: folded sheets and whatnot
BENEDICK'S ROOM: three comfortable chairs
CHAPEL
HALLWAY IN THE ESTATE
SCENE 1.
The curtain opens on Messina's humble jail. There is a narrow cot, a rickety stool, and a bucket in one corner. BORACHIO sits on the cot with his head in his hands. CONRADE paces back and forth worriedly.
BORACHIO
I killed Lady Hero. Oh, what a sweet and lovely maid, cut down by deceit and
murdered by me. What have I done? What have I done?
CONRADE
Shut your mouth, Borachio. You did not kill her. She pined away and died for
love of Count Claudio. A foolish woman and a foolish reason.
BORACHIO
Nay, I killed her. You know not the half of it, Conrade. What a plan. What a
masterful plot, and it worked all too well. Oh, spite! Oh, desolation! No one
could make account of Lady Hero's whereabouts, not even the lady herself. Do
you know why?
Conrade looks over at him. He's not very interested in what Borachio has to say, but he's bored and anxious.
CONRADE
Why?
BORACHIO
Because I poured a potion into her wine at dinner.
CONRADE
The devil you say!
BORACHIO
Aye, the devil did say, and so I followed him, and now she is dead.
CONRADE
You poisoned her?
BORACHIO
Aye! But I swear upon my soul I never meant to. I bought the distillation from
a Gypsy mountebank, and he told me it was a sleeping draught. I gave it to Lady
Hero, and an hour later, she fell insensible. I carried her in my arms to a
place where — had she been discovered — it would have been as bad
for her as if she had been at her window with me. I thought it a fine joke.
CONRADE
In Count Claudio's bed?
BORACHIO
Nay, not there. I shall never reveal it. I will not have more blood on my hands.
She awoke for her wedding morn in her own bed. But the poison must have nested
in her blood, and when Count Claudio spurned her, it struck like a snake and
killed her. God-a-mercy, would that they would come to hang me now!
CONRADE
Speak for yourself.
SCENE 2.
The door of the cell opens. CONSTABLE DOGBERRY and HEADBOROUGH VERGES enter.
DOGBERRY
Come, good sirs. You are released upon your own possessment by the grace of
Duke Leonato.
Borachio and Conrade stare at him.
VERGES
Come now! Brain-pans riddled like two sieves! Thus you pay for drinking and
wenching every single night, save those nights when you are safe behind bars!
DOGBERRY
Even so, a most clever riddle, and moreover, the solution: if they must serve
behind bars, and tend to others' drinking, they cannot drink so much themselves.
VERGES
And thus their wickedness is stoppered like a bung-hole.
DOGBERRY
Speak you not thus, good Headborough — it is intelligent, and does not
befit an officer of the watch!
VERGES
Your pardon, Constable...
DOGBERRY
(to Borachio and Conrade)
Out, out with you! Such a dismemberment of knavish doldrums did I never yet
see in all my years in Messina, upon my sworn oath.
VERGES
Not even here, sir?
DOGBERRY
I'faith, good Verges, your wit is fletched like a flagon, and swift to spill
out when your head be broken. If a man has sworn, he must then be forsworn,
and he shall swear about it thereafter in his cups.
VERGES
Wise words indeed.
DOGBERRY
If I must be forsworn, then so it shall be, for I have oft seen men thus cast
down and disoccasioned here most particularly.
VERGES
Perhaps they be disoccasioned at being cast down. 'Tis a hard floor to land
upon.
DOGBERRY
Hard to land, but harder to swing aloft, methinks, when given a goodly length
of rope for a waggish neck-scarf.
VERGES
If the rope be over-long, then follows the hardest landing of all.
BORACHIO
O God! We are to be killed.
DOGBERRY
Nay, good villains, you are to return to Duke Leonato's estate, and there in
your most unfounded incontinence dealt with by the Duke, now John the Bastard
has been run to ground.
CONRADE
(almost too afraid to ask)
Dead?
VERGES
Not dead but caught, canticled and chained, brought back here a scallion of
impermanence and most arrogant withal.
DOGBERRY
As befits his royal station, good neighbor.
VERGES
Even so, Constable. Don John may not stand more upon advisement of his brother,
the prince.
(to Conrade and Borachio)
We only have one cell and it is needed for his accommodation. Now, out with
you.
Conrade and Borachio are marched out by the Verges and Dogberry.
SCENE 3.
Two SOLDIERS lead DON JOHN into the cell. Don John looks like he's given the soldiers a hard chase. His clothing is ripped and dirty. They shove him down on the cot and unlock his manacles. Don John sneers at them, unrepentant. The soldiers exit. Don John rubs his wrists and looks around the cell, losing his arrogance as soon as he's alone.
DON JOHN
My bite is muzzled and my race is run.
Ah, Lady Hero… evil I have done…
MARISOL appears. She is dressed in white: a flowing gown and veils that resemble a winding sheet. She looks ghostly; she stands behind Don John so that they have no direct interaction. Nonetheless, he immediately knows she is there, and some of his coldly mocking aspect returns as he speaks to her.
DON JOHN
You need not wag your tongue at me, wife.
The cell door opens and the MONK enters. He wears a robe with a hood; a large wooden cross on a chain hangs down the front of his robe. Don John doesn't notice him, and addresses his next remark to Marisol without turning.
DON JOHN
I know what you will say. I have heard it often enough. I wonder that you even
troubled to visit me.
THE MONK
I am here to give counsel and comfort, m'lord.
Don John turns around, startled. Marisol disappears. Don John recovers his composure immediately.
DON JOHN
It is to be today, then. You have come for my confession.
THE MONK
Surrender your soul to God, my son.
DON JOHN
If you truly understood what I was, you would not claim me as your son, monk.
THE MONK
We are all children in His eyes. I trust, m'lord, that this capture and imprisonment
has given you cause to meditate upon your misdeeds.
DON JOHN
It has.
THE MONK
I am gratified to hear it.
DON JOHN
Had I another chance. I would not have left all my planning to a lackey.
THE MONK
Are you not sorry for what you have done?
DON JOHN
I am sorry I was caught. Perhaps I may say an "Ave Maria" or two in
penance for that.
THE MONK
You have no remorse?
DON JOHN
No.
THE MONK
Bring your heart to the altar of God, and you will be forgiven. Make your confession
and trust in Divine mercy.
Don John mockingly kneels on the floor and crosses himself. As he bows his head and speaks, the Monk draws a knife out of the large wooden cross hanging around his neck, and raises it to stab Don John.
DON JOHN
Forgive me, father. I have sinned. I murdered my mother. I killed her at the
very moment she gave me life. A villain from my first breath, and the king of
Aragon's bastard son.
The Monk is halted by a jingle of keys and footsteps offstage. He swiftly replaces the knife in the cross as Don John also looks up at the sound.
DON JOHN
You have done your duty, friar. My brother may now honorably rid himself of
me.
The Monk raises the hood of his cassock.
SCENE 4.
DON PEDRO and BENEDICK enter.
BENEDICK
Good e'en, Friar Francis.
The Monk nods and hurries out.
BENEDICK
(noting The Monk's odd behavior)
He seems not himself. Mark you, Pedro...
Don Pedro is focused on his brother; Benedick shrugs off the thought. Don John and Don Pedro look at one another: Don John sullen and Don Pedro awkward.
DON PEDRO
Are you well?
Don John says nothing.
DON PEDRO
Have you been fairly treated?
DON JOHN
Aye.
DON PEDRO
Good. I regret having to hold you here, but...
DON JOHN
I'm aware of my crimes.
DON PEDRO
This place is unfit for one of your rank.
DON JOHN
Yet, very well fit for one of my birth.
DON PEDRO
(angrily)
You persist...
(he collects himself; continued)
DON PEDRO (continued)
For what you've done, you deserve far worse than you'll receive.
DON JOHN
I humbly thank you.
BENEDICK
(to Don Pedro)
You waste your time trying to coddle him, methinks.
(to Don John)
I made a promise to your brother. I gave my word I would devise punishments
worthy of your villainy.
DON JOHN
I did nothing that was not contrary to Lady Hero's own nature. Women are to
the last one whores and lying bitches.
DON PEDRO
You deceived us. You led us to believe that a young, blameless maid opened her
arms to wickedness.
DON JOHN
Not merely her arms.
DON PEDRO
(becoming even more angry)
How fortunate for you we were likewise deceived by Duke Leonato. Fortunate indeed
that all has been put to rights.
Don John is visibly startled by this news, but then he frowns in confusion.
DON JOHN
She lives.
Don Pedro misinterprets his brother's frown.
DON PEDRO
Aye. The lady lives. It pains you to hear such ill tidings, I see. It will no
doubt dismay you further to hear that Count Claudio has wed Lady Hero.
DON JOHN
Indeed? You astonish me, brother. I would not have thought the lady likely to
accept him. She must be of an extraordinarily... accommodating nature.
DON PEDRO
I should cut out your heart.
DON JOHN
Why did you believe that the woman you saw at Lady Hero's window was Lady Hero?
Everything about her character runs contrary to it. Why did you accept my word?
You know what I am. I have deceived you before, and I have nothing but contempt
for Count Claudio. I cannot imagine why you would credit my word that night
followed day. How could you possibly have believed what I said about Duke Leonato's
fair daughter? For shame, Pedro.
Don Pedro exits angrily. Benedick and Don John sit in silence for a moment.
DON JOHN
You are here to deliver my punishment.
BENEDICK
Aye. Constable Dogberry's men will release you and you may return to Duke Leonato's
house, if you consent to the conditions I set forth.
DON JOHN
(confused)
Consent?
BENEDICK
I am not a monster.
DON JOHN
Tell me, then. What is the nature of my punishment?
BENEDICK
Marriage. More particularly, to my sister.
DON JOHN
My punishment is a wife?
BENEDICK
If you can woo and win the lady. If she accepts you. You are to give her anything
and everything she wishes.
If you lay a hand upon her in anger, or speak a single word too harsh —
or indeed, if you refuse to marry her, your brother will strip you of your lands,
your title, and all your holdings.
Don John does not look pleased.
DON JOHN
Very well. I consent to your conditions, signore.
BENEDICK
Then you're free to return to the Duke's house. Unless you'd rather remain here.
Don John rises to his feet.
DON JOHN
You should have killed me.
BENEDICK
It was discussed. You wounded your brother gravely, signore. You made him look
a fool for trusting you. I suppose you find that amusing.
DON JOHN
You suppose correctly.
BENEDICK
The prince has nothing but brotherly affection for you. Why else would he take
you back into his grace after you had so publicly opposed him?
Don John says nothing.
BENEDICK
Why devil him? You punish Pedro for a wrong your father did you. Be reconciled
to your brother.
DON JOHN
And to my punishment?
BENEDICK
Aye.
DON JOHN
I shall marry your sister, Signore Benedick. I am sure you think you have pulled
my teeth, but do not expect me to lick your hand.
SCENE 5.
The garden at Duke Leonato's estate. BEATRICE paces impatiently. After a moment, Benedick enters.
BENEDICK
Sweet Beatrice.
She frowns at him and puts her hands on her hips.
BENEDICK
Well, then. Is that the way it falls out? Last week was naught but a dream,
we are not married, you do not love me, and you have come to break your raillery
upon me? Lay on then, fair Beatrice. I await your first sally.
BEATRICE
Is't true? Have you given your own sister in marriage to John the Bastard?
BENEDICK
'Tis true he must attempt it. She will accept or decline him as she will.
BEATRICE
I suppose you shall counsel her to accept him? Bastard and infamous villain
though he is?
(sarcastically)
Well, he is rich and titled. Your sister could do far worse.
BENEDICK
(a little annoyed)
Aye, she could. You know not —
BEATRICE
Oh! That I had taken the full measure of your own villainy, signore, before
I married you!
BENEDICK
Beatrice. Peace, and hear me out —
BEATRICE
Marriage! A fine and fitting punishment for what the Bastard Prince did to my
cousin!
BENEDICK
Aye, marriage is a fitting punishment indeed. Certes many a husband would prefer
to be hanged.
Beatrice glares at him.
BENEDICK
(relenting)
Stop and think of whom you are speaking.
BEATRICE
I cannot help but think of him. He coils like the Serpent in the garden, ready
with a sting full of poison.
BENEDICK
He is John the Bastard.
BEATRICE
I have not forgotten, husband.
BENEDICK
He is not Claudio, swayed by the pretty smiles of Hero. He is not me, obstinate
against love until I realized my beloved stood right before me. He is the prince's
bastard brother. A woman betrayed him at the very moment he was conceived. As
high as I had raised my bulwarks 'gainst marriage, I am the most compliant ox
ever to accept a yoke, compared to Don John.
BEATRICE
He will not accept it easily. Aye, I see the full of your design. It has a certain
justice.
BENEDICK
I care not how he accepts it. But accept it he will. He must win my sister’s
consent, or lose everything he possesses.
BEATRICE
Prince Pedro has agreed?
BENEDICK
He has. We shall see the playing out, and methinks it shall prove most entertaining.
Come, sweet wife. Let us not quarrel.
Beatrice shakes her head reproachfully.
BEATRICE
Your own sister, Benedick...
BENEDICK
You said it yourself. Don John is rich. She could do far worse.
BEATRICE
I mislike it.
BENEDICK
Thou art as wise as thou art fair, my love.
Benedick kisses her.
SCENE 6.
ALLEGRA, DUKE LEONATO and Don Pedro enter. The Duke clears her throat; Beatrice and Benedick break apart. Allegra is dressed in a sober, dark gown.
DUKE LEONATO
This wedded state well suits you both.
BENEDICK
'Tis true! The bonds of holy acrimony suit like the finest armor.
BEATRICE
Would that I'd wed a Frenchman; he would not press his suit of "amour"
so.
BENEDICK
He might suit on first impression — but, I shall love thee 'til my suit
be wrinkled.
Beatrice laughs and lets him have that one.
BENEDICK
(to Allegra)
Ah! My sweet sister —
(embraces her; then he reacts to her spinsterish outfit)
Does Messina suit you thus, that you dress for a deathbed vigil?
ALLEGRA
(indicating the garden)
Nay, who could tailor me better address? The Duke's house is happily suited
for every occasion, even if I am not.
BENEDICK
Then you shall be better suited anon, for I bring you another address. Not so
green nor happy — but well-weighted in gold, and very flattering. Don
John, the prince's brother, has asked for you as a wife.
ALLEGRA
(pertly)
I need no wife, dear brother. And I am suited for no husband, I thank you.
BENEDICK
Allegra, leave off this foolishness.
ALLEGRA
You know perfectly well it is not foolishness.
DON PEDRO
What means this, Lady Allegra?
ALLEGRA
Your pardon, Prince Pedro, but my brother must explain himself.
BEATRICE
Then we shall be here until nightfall.
BENEDICK
My sister believes herself to be the victim of our family curse. And that is
the whole of it. I am done.
DUKE LEONATO
No, I pray you, Signore Benedick — elaborate.
BENEDICK
It is a tale of her ancestress, who —
Removed far down our noble family tree,
Did love a man who also was belov'd
Of a fair Gypsy maid, whom he enticed
Into his arms with promises all false.
'Tis said she was with child, and she did beg
For him to marry her, but he refused.
Instead, my rich ancestress did he choose.
As they emerged from chapel, man and wife
The Gypsy met them. Spat she at their feet
And cursed them, saying never would a girl
Of our accurséd line wed happily —
ALLEGRA
You tell it not a'right.
BENEDICK
Very well; you are the scholar on the subject.
ALLEGRA
'Twas any man who wished to wed a maid
Belonging to my family — 'pon his head --
'Ere he declared his vow within the church,
And 'ere he knelt to kiss his blushing bride --
The curse would fall, and strike him cold and dead.
Yet so far fortunate our line hath been,
The issue hath been sons. And now, I am
The female first born in a lengthy while.
BENEDICK
In childhood learned she of the family curse,
Most likely from her tattling old nurse.
DON PEDRO
Lady Allegra, have you reason to credit this family curse?
ALLEGRA
Yes. I was first betrothed to a gentleman —
BENEDICK
Old enough to be her grandsire. A week before the wedding, he died in his sleep.
A coincidence, merely. Women create all manner of foolishness.
ALLEGRA
Spoken like a true mother's son.
DON PEDRO
You do not impress me as the foolish sort, Lady.
ALLEGRA
For that I thank you, Prince Pedro.
(she continues the story)
Another man came forth. A wealthy man.
But cruel. His former bride did only give
Him daughters three, and then she met her death
Suspiciously, by falling — so freed him
To seek another who did suit him more.
BENEDICK
I grant you, Signore Franco was no prize.
Allegra now was his intended bride.
No words of mine would sway my father's will,
For fav'rable alliance she would make,
Both houses profiting by wedded bliss.
And thus Signore Franco was our guest
To dinner, where the fat and smirking groom
Abruptly shivered, gasped, then writhed and groaned —
(Benedick mimes choking and dying)
And his quietus met by chicken bone!
DUKE LEONATO
(horrified)
And your sister witnessed this?
ALLEGRA
Nay, until now I was spared the sight.
BENEDICK
'Twas past time for the women to withdraw
And she had to her chamber gone, but she
Arising on the morrow, was informed
That her intended husband had with haste
Departed his betrothal meal feet-first.
Allegra donned the somber mourning black,
Still, one young Paduan — her pauper swain
Straight to my father went for his love's hand,
To pad his pockets with her dowry coins.
But his engagement lasted not o'er long.
For Padua hath many a young fool,
And one of those impaled him in a duel.
My sister thought, and still thinks to this day
The curse is true and has befallen her,
That Gypsy vengeance is no nursery tale.
ALLEGRA
Thus, I decided I must take the veil.
BENEDICK
My sister is ill-starred, but not accursed.
ALLEGRA
You have told it almost fairly, Benedick. I cannot wed the prince's brother.
Nor any man. You will pardon me, I pray you.
BENEDICK
I shall not pardon you for clinging to this ridiculous —
ALLEGRA
Then you shall pardon me for not listening to you any further. Good day.
Allegra curtsies, and exits.
BEATRICE
Benedick, for shame.
DON PEDRO
Signore Benedick, if you intend my brother to fall victim to this gypsy curse…
BENEDICK
Am I now besieged on all sides? I intend no such thing.
This gypsy curse nonsense is no more than Allegra's way to cast aside husbands.
This one is too old. This one is too fat. This one is too poor…
BEATRICE
(imitating him)
This one is a slinking, plotting villain.
BENEDICK
Pah!
DON PEDRO
You have asked us to forbear with my brother's wickedness and deceit; to treat
John again as we had treated him before he so misused us. Your punishment is
no punishment at all.
DUKE LEONATO
Truly. Lady Allegra is gentle-natured and fair. Even a man such as Don John
will not long chafe against such a velvet rope.
BENEDICK
Noble friends, be at ease. You forget he must still woo and win my sister.
DON PEDRO
She will not have him. She told us as much.
BEATRICE
Is that your plan? That she refuse him, and he is stripped of everything? Why
not simply begin thus?
DUKE LEONATO
Nay, this is too cruel. After all, everything has been put to rights.
BENEDICK
My sister believes in this family curse nonsense. I have not been able to convince
her otherwise. If anyone can sway her, ‘tis your brother. We have all
seen what he is capable of when he is strongly motivated.
DON PEDRO
True…
BENEDICK
I believe Allegra shall find Don John an interesting change from the cavaliers
that dangle after her in Padua. And Don John should prove an earnest, ardent
suitor in defense of his title and property.
DON PEDRO
You intend to throw them together. You believe they'll fall in love.
BENEDICK
I think it very likely.
BEATRICE
Advanced age cannot yet have addle your wits, Benedick; therefore I must lay
the blame upon strong drink and card-playing.
DON PEDRO
Wait. We have not yet seen the full hand your husband holds.
BENEDICK
I thank you, my friend. Don John convinces my sister to accept him, and she
is married to a rich and titled husband. Whom she loves, recall. At the same
time, your brother, gentled by his beloved wife, should cause no more trouble
for anyone. Everyone's happy.
Don Pedro exchanges a look with Duke Leonato. Beatrice likewise looks dubious.
BENEDICK
I see you are not convinced. My Beatrice and I were snared in a net of your
making. Why should the same trick not work twice?
BEATRICE
Chiefly because you and I were already in love. Everyone could see that, save
the two of us.
DON PEDRO
It cannot be done. It is impossible.
BENEDICK
We shall see.
Exit all.
SCENE 7.
Enter Allegra.
ALLEGRA
Dressed for a deathbed vigil. So I am.
Yet Benedick continues to chastise…
Would that the stream of man's world flowed along
The course of nature. Every beast displays
It's occupation by its coloring.
The spotted leopard hides in dappled shade;
The brilliant peacock bugles for its mate.
And my funereal color speaks: "Beware
The hidden, deadly sting, though she look fair."
If sooner I had heeded nursery tales,
I might have saved three bridegrooms from that sting.
'Tis true I loved them not. Nor any taste
Of marriage economical — arranged
Of any sort. I still had hope for love.
But they did not deserve to die for my
Not listening to stories of the past.
Accepting penance after my confession…
I shall be bride to God for my transgression.
Proposals, though they fly on flaming arrows
And leap the convent walls — I shall not heed.
No husband shall I take, though he be prince,
Or emperor or Grecian god. 'Tis done.
Farewell! My market list: begone, all dances.
And dancing slippers, pretty gowns and gloves.
Begone, these sighing girlish dreams of love.
A thousand stubborn brothers won't prevail;
I am determined. I will take the veil.
Exit Allegra.
SCENE 8.
A hallway in the estate. CONRADE enters, followed by BORACHIO. When Conrade sees Borachio, he keeps walking, impatiently.
BORACHIO
Where are you going?
CONRADE
To my master, Don John. He hath but of late returned, and summoned me and he
is in a rare temper.
BORACHIO
What? Cheerful?
CONRADE
Nay, not that rare.
(however, he stops to impart a juicy tidbit)
Someone slashed the girth strap of my master's saddle. Methinks 'twas someone
ill satisfied with Don Pedro's leniency.
BORACHIO
Ah, the noble Count Claudio. I would lay money on it.
CONRADE
Mayhap. The count has little liking for Don John. Now, I must go.
BORACHIO
Are you so eager to knock on the gates of Hell and face the Devil himself?
CONRADE
Villain Don John is. That is certain. But, he is as mortal as you or I.
BORACHIO
Would that I had your conviction. If you have the favor of your master's ear,
say you some good words of me.
CONRADE
Well, then you must like a prompter whisper to me from behind the curtain, for
I have nothing good to say of you on my own account.
BORACHIO
I tell you, Conrade, that he means to do us both harm.
CONRADE
Marry, not me.
BORACHIO
Say to him that I have served him faithfully, that I meant never to betray him.
CONRADE
What profit in it for me?
BORACHIO
I shall share with you a portion of the money I have earned from our master.
Five hundred ducats shall be yours.
CONRADE
From the thousand ducats you have earned but never received? Nay, what good
to you is the promise of a villain like Don John? What good to me is the promise
of a villain like yourself?
BORACHIO
I beg you! He will kill me!
CONRADE
He will not. You have served him faithfully these three years. Moreover, 'twas
not your fault Messina's Watch overheard your plans. Conduct yourself with proper
humility to the prince's rank, and he shall pardon you.
BORACHIO
I am damned.
CONRADE
Your fear unmans you, sirrah.
BORACHIO
I did confess the whole of my scheme to Prince Pedro, to Duke Leonato, and to
Count Claudio. Would that the Count had killed me —
Don John enters.
DON JOHN
Conrade.
CONRADE
In answer to your summons, m'lord.
DON JOHN
And who hast thou brought with thee? Ah, the noble Borachio.
BORACHIO
M'lord Prince John.
Don John tosses a purse of money to Conrade.
DON JOHN
I am to take a wife. Go thou into Messina and procure for me some few trinkets
as may appeal to a woman's vanity. Thou mayest take Borachio to assist thee,
as he hast fine persuasive arts with them.
CONRADE
A wife, m'lord? What does she look like?
DON JOHN
What does it matter?
CONRADE
Well, m'lord prince... I would choose a gift to compliment the lady's person.
DON JOHN
She is the sister of Signore Benedick. Look thou to him, and choose a gift to
compliment his person.
CONRADE
(dubiously)
Yes, m'lord.
DON JOHN
(to Borachio)
And thou. I did not summon thee. What would thou have of me?
BORACHIO
I would ask of you, m'lord, the thousand ducats you promised to pay me.
DON JOHN
Oh, would thou indeed?
BORACHIO
Aye, m'lord. I have faithfully performed such service as you did require of
me. I have deceived the Prince and Count Claudio into thinking the Lady Hero
spoke with a man at her window.
DON JOHN
True enough, Borachio. Thou hast done me service beyond thy duty. Thou hast
been the ruination of all thine own plans and the instrument of my capture and
defeat. Were it not for thee, Borachio, I would not know the happy delights
of holy matrimony. I thank thee, Borachio.
BORACHIO
M'lord —
Don John grabs Borachio.
DON JOHN
Speak not to me, thou braying jackass! I should kill thee for what thou hast
done!
BORACHIO
Kill me, then! You have cost me dearly, bastard! A thousand ducats, my Margaret's
love, and my place in your brother's regiment. You have cost me all of them.
It is only by Duke Leonato's good grace that I have not been banished from Messina.
DON JOHN
Were I Duke Leonato, I would have hung thee.
CONRADE
M'lord…
DON JOHN
Thou hast thy errand, Conrade.
CONRADE
Aye, m'lord, but... spare him, I beg you.
DON JOHN
Why this sudden womanish scrupling? Thou surpris'st me, Conrade.
CONRADE
Master, you are disgraced in your brother's eyes. Kill Borachio, and Prince
Pedro will likely see fit to punish you further.
Don John steps back and releases Borachio.
DON JOHN
(to Conrade)
Thou counseled me to hear reason once before and I heeded thee not.
(to Borachio)
Thou hast thy reprieve and Conrade to thank for it. Get out of my sight.
BORACHIO
You are Satan himself.
DON JOHN
And how sad that thou art too weak and foolish to resist my temptation, for
I know thee to be a pious man, who confesses his misdeeds at every opportunity.
Borachio pulls out a dagger and lunges at Don John. Conrade steps forward to intervene, but Don John disarms Borachio and stabs him with the dagger. Borachio falls to the floor, dead.
CONRADE
Master...
DON JOHN
Remove him.
Don John walks out, leaving Conrade with the corpse.
SCENE 9.
The garden of the estate. Enter Don Pedro, Duke Leonato, Benedick and Beatrice, and Hero.
HERO
Come, tell us, Benedick. How has your pretty sister fared with the prince's
brother?
BENEDICK
Allegra has seen naught of him thus far.
DUKE LEONATO
Perhaps Don John hopes to entice the lady by being mysterious.
DON PEDRO
More than likely he is concocting some new mischief.
Benedick frowns at him. Don Pedro misses this as he looks offstage, spotting something.
DON PEDRO
Who comes here?
BENEDICK
A very old, fat man. And a younger one, of smaller orbit.
BEATRICE
Why, I do believe it's our good Constable Dogberry. And Headborough Verges,
if I am not mistaken.
Enter Dogberry and Verges. They both bow to everyone.
DOGBERRY
By your lief, most gracious Duke. Most majestic Prince. Good other sir. And
Ladies.
DUKE LEONATO
Neighbors. How may I serve you?
DOGBERRY
We have come on a most imperious errand to beg the indulgence of your profligate
self on a matter of some
negligency as it concerns the person of your most honored daughter, that being
the person of the Lady Hero.
HERO
I? Marry, upon what matter, good constable?
VERGES
Marry, that is it in truth.
DOGBERRY
Aye, marry. That is the meat of the matter.
VERGES
Fit meat for the feeding of conjecture, sir,
DOGBERRY
Very fit and meet indeed, my lady.
DON PEDRO
Good Constable. What is the point of this discourse?
DOGBERRY
Why good sir prince, this must be oblivious that we have tarried forth on such
a discourse to bring us to yourselves.
VERGES
Specifically such a discourse, as they told us at the house that you were here.
BENEDICK
Then discourse has steered you true.
BEATRICE
Aye, and two such coursers! Swift and strong of mettle.
BENEDICK
Stronger than iron?
BEATRICE
Nay, then they would be too heavy to run.
BENEDICK
If they were melted, they would run.
BEATRICE
If their mettle was melted? Then they would not be so brave.
Benedick laughs.
DON PEDRO
Pray, cease your meddle.
DUKE LEONATO
(to Dogberry)
Constable Dogberry, what is it that you wish of my daughter?
DOGBERRY
Nothing more than her convivial happiness and connubial well-being. As the matter
falls out, however, there is some question as to the stature of certain inventions
and incarnations of… Your Grace, I must ask that we may speak in private,
apart from the ears of those who would embroider this intelligence.
DUKE LEONATO
Nay, speak your mind, good neighbors. Speak plainly and have no fear.
BENEDICK
(aside, to Beatrice)
Methinks plain speaking must be their greatest fear.
DOGBERRY
Well then so, I shall. Let no man indulge me of imperfection or reverberation
in any matter. Plainly it is this. There have been portents and mutterings among
the people of Messina.
VERGES
There has been talk to the infection that the night before the Lady Hero's wedding,
when she stood accused of penurious behavior, her location and whereabouts were
in fact, plainly, unknown, and the lady herself could make no account of them.
Hero gasps.
DUKE LEONATO
Good daughter, can you make account of your whereabouts that night.
HERO
Upon my soul, father, I swear I was asleep in my own bed every hour of the night!
Beatrice looks uneasy.
DUKE LEONATO
Beatrice, can you make account of your cousin that night?
BEATRICE
I cannot.
HERO
Beatrice!
DON PEDRO
Are you —
BEATRICE
I am not protecting her.
HERO
Nay, this turns its face so far away from protection that it shows me a second
face!
BEATRICE
Cousin! Peace! All will be well — you are married to Claudio. What is
the harm?
Hero looks horrified by this declaration.
HERO
Where is not the harm?
BEATRICE
(to Duke Leonato)
My cousin imparted to me no secret intelligence. She retired early from the
dinner, claiming she was sleepy. Indeed, she seemed so. Several hours hence,
I retired as well, and found her not in the chamber we shared.
HERO
What?
Beatrice is startled by Hero's reaction.
BEATRICE
I assumed... I said naught to the servants, as I thought perhaps she and Claudio
had arranged a meeting. When I awoke the next morning, she was in her accustomed
bed.
HERO
I made no such meeting. Cousin, can this be true?
BEATRICE
I swear it. I thought you had gone to meet Claudio.
HERO
No. I did not.
BENEDICK
You didn't hear your cousin return in the night?
BEATRICE
I slept very soundly. But, I cannot think that Hero had any sort of assignation
with a man other than her husband.
BENEDICK
(not entirely convinced)
None of us think so...
HERO
I do not think so!
DON PEDRO
This mystery is easily solved. We need only apply to my brother for the answer.
DOGBERRY
If it were made known of her thereabouts and where she was, her reputation might
be made not so desirable among all of Messina. I speak only to bring you…
DUKE LEONATO
Yes. Yes, I see...
DON PEDRO
(to Duke Leonato)
Soft... Your Grace... Lady Hero... Do not trouble yourselves. I shall ask my
brother, and I am sure some reasonable explanation will be forthcoming.
DUKE LEONATO
Yet, if you are afraid to speak, daughter...
HERO
I am not afraid to speak.
DON PEDRO
If John the Bastard has worked even the slightest evil upon you, Lady Hero,
he shall answer for it.
SCENE 10.
Enter Don John. Hero moves behind Beatrice; she's obviously a bit afraid of John.
BEATRICE
Why, speak of the devil and who shall appear.
DON PEDRO
Brother, a word, if you please.
DON JOHN
What would you with me?
DUKE LEONATO
Prince John, what did you do with my daughter the night before her wedding?
DON JOHN
I did nothing with her.
DON PEDRO
You have no idea of her whereabouts that night?
DON JOHN
I know she was not at her window. The plan to cross Count Claudio's wedding
was not mine, but Borachio's.
(to Dogberry)
He was captured by your watch. Did he not confess?
DOGBERRY
He confessed to the deed. He confessed most suspiciously, but he said that he
acted upon your punctuation.
DON JOHN
Yes. I punctuated him. But, the plan was his own.
DOGBERRY
He did not confess it.
DUKE LEONATO
We must apply to Signore Borachio, then.
DON JOHN
You cannot.
DON PEDRO
And why not?
DON JOHN
I killed him.
DOGBERRY
Impecunious!
DON JOHN
He attacked me. Not that I expect you to believe so.
DON PEDRO
When was this?
DON JOHN
Not a quarter of an hour since. Would that Borachio had confessed his plans
to me. He might have if I'd paid him.
(to Dogberry)
Come, clap me back in irons. I assume you have kept my charming suite at your
establishment.
DOGBERRY
Oh, aye. The jail stands open for you, Sir Murderer of Upstanding Malcontents.
VERGES
Open and empty as a church.
DOGBERRY
We shall remove this fighting apparition in chains.
DON JOHN
A rope would be more permanent.
BENEDICK
Hold.
(to Don John)
You acted in self-defense?
DON JOHN
I might have spared him, but he would only have attacked me again.
BENEDICK
Did anyone witness your actions?
DON JOHN
Conrade.
Don John's expression suggests he realizes Conrade can hardly be taken as an impartial witness.
BENEDICK
You surrender yourself willingly to these officers?
DON JOHN
As you see. I need not plot more mischief when it meets me at the door.
DOGBERRY
A door at which you were fleeing! After revilement of your crimes.
DON JOHN
I am done with fleeing.
DON PEDRO
(to Dogberry)
Release him.
DOGBERRY
But…
DON PEDRO
(to Don John)
I can fault you for your choice of allies, but not for your choice of actions.
Likely, you spared me the duty of having to execute Borachio for some future
offense.
DON JOHN
You believe me?
DON PEDRO
Do not make me repent it.
DON JOHN
(sarcastically)
My eternal thanks.
Exit Don John.
HERO
O, smiling fortune strangely upside-down,
Now happy wedlock meets me with a frown!
BEATRICE
Cousin, all will be turned a'right. I promise you.
BENEDICK
Until then, it seems we have a mystery.
DUKE LEONATO
Indeed.
DOGBERRY
Good sirs, I propose that I may humbly engage myself in the capacity of an instigator
to solve this muzzling institution.
VERGES
It would be no less than your duty as Constable of Messina.
DOGBERRY
It would be my great presumption to perform such servitude as I might deem to
your gracefulness.
HERO
Constable Dogberry, your help would be most welcome.
DUKE LEONATO
Yes, Constable. Most welcome indeed.
DOGBERRY
By your leave, then, most assiduously. My thanks and reparations to you, gracious
Duke Leonato and gentlemen and ladies.
VERGES
We must needs go out among the patronage and gather information.
DOGBERRY
Await the fruition of our answer in all your leisure. I most humbly leave you
to mete out preparations on your Bastard. God keep you in predicaments forever.
Exit Dogberry and Verges.
BEATRICE
(to Don Pedro)
The bastard will make you repent it.
DON PEDRO
Mayhap.
Exit all.
SCENE 11.
Enter Don John.
DON JOHN
A wife, a wife. A fine and fitting wife.
A kennel for the wolf, a binding hood
And jesses for the hawk. My punishment.
What cavernous, dank Hell — what smirking whore
Long disacquainted with virginity
Shall deign to lift her taffeta for me?
What Gorgon-girl must I take to my bed,
Her snaky locks to prison me ‘til death?
Aye, either no man will this sister have,
Or ev’ry man hath had her. That would suit.
How fitting to a bastard, born of lust,
Would be laced mutton for a wedding feast.
Appropriate for me, who tried to serve
E'en this repulsive dish to Claudio.
O, how I hate this place. It makes me feel
At every moment more the outcast, more
The Bastard, more, the fool. I don't belong.
Not here, not anywhere, belong at all.
Yet in my brother's regiment, at least
Our forces were united 'gainst the French,
The common foe. And here, the common foe
Is me. Among these cooing doves, a crow.
Beatrice enters.
BEATRICE
Why so melancholy, sir?
She and Don John exchange a chilly curtsey and bow.
DON JOHN
Lady Beatrice.
BEATRICE
I trust you are enjoying your reprieve.
Don John shrugs.
BEATRICE
Pray enlighten me, m'lord. It has been my observation that misanthropic gloom
is your perpetual state, and perhaps you prefer it thus, but I may be incorrect.
Is't something particular which oppresses you? As a good host, 'twould be my
duty to remedy the situation.
DON JOHN
Your concern for me is wasted, Lady Beatrice, and I wonder at your bothering
to express it.
BEATRICE
You're very blunt.
DON JOHN
Both an asset and a failing. Take it as you will.
BEATRICE
I take it as an asset. One fine quality amid a multitude of failings.
DON JOHN
I would not presume to contradict you.
BEATRICE
I am mistaken. You have more than one fine quality, Don John. Or perhaps it
is that you have taken the measure of your welcome here.
Don John says nothing.
BEATRICE
You are here, signore, and not in Messina's jail, only because your brother
and my husband are too tenderhearted for their own good. Make no mistake —
if you are plotting any sort of revenge, Prince Pedro will kill you. If he does
not, I will.
DON JOHN
You and my brother must form a line behind Count Claudio.
BEATRICE
The count has every reason to wish you dead.
DON JOHN
I have my reasons as well, Lady. As do you. Count Claudio was very quick to
defend his own honor at the expense of your cousin's.
BEATRICE
Nay, do not try to cozen me. You may blind the eye every man you cross, but
I will always see my cousin clearly.
DON JOHN
I would never try to deceive a woman. They are far smarter than men, else we
would all remain merry bachelors.
In spite of herself, Beatrice is a bit amused by Don John describing himself as a "merry bachelor."
BEATRICE
You must soon give over all your unbridled merry-making, Signore — to
be groomed and bridled for Lady Allegra. And, pray... why has Benedick offered
his sister to you as a wife?
DON JOHN
Why? I doubt not that Lady Allegra is as pretty a jade as was ever bought and
mounted. A fitting trinket for a bastard prince.
BEATRICE
You will not tell me.
DON JOHN
I do not know, Lady. Benedick's sister is either a harlot or a harpy. Else she
would not be given to me.
Exit Don John. Beatrice looks annoyed and thoughtful.
SCENE 12.
A linen closet in the estate. Margaret sits weeping in the closet, on a pile of folded linens. Don Pedro enters.
DON PEDRO
Margaret.
MARGARET
Oh, Your Highness, please forgive me! I beg and beg your pardon!
DON PEDRO
Nay, Margaret. Peace, peace.
MARGARET
Please, I pray you, do not tell the Duke you found me thus! Oh, please, Your
Highness!
DON PEDRO
I will not, I promise. Only tell me what's wrong. Margaret. Tell me what has
happened.
MARGARET
I am a gentle-bred, good Christian girl, Your Highness. I never would harm my
mistress, upon my soul I would not, and I never meant to do what I did. I'm
so very sorry...
DON PEDRO
I do not blame you for what happened. 'Twas not your fault you were caught up
in my brother's malice. 'Twas not your fault Borachio lied to you.
MARGARET
Oh, but I loved him, Your Highness, I dearly did. I knew he wasn't a good man,
but he was good to me, and sweet — and he promised to marry me, and now
he's dead! Your brother is the very devil — begging your pardon, Your
Highness — but he is the fallen angel himself — and now Constable
Dogberry is saying I was wrapped in all Don John’s plans from the beginning,
and I am keeping secrets! But I know nothing, Your Highness, and I never would
have harmed m'lady Hero. Never! I'll lose my place. The Duke will turn me out.
DON PEDRO
I'm certain they will not.
MARGARET
I'll have nowhere to go.
DON PEDRO
Is your home far from Messina?
MARGARET
Nay, nay, Your Highness. I was born here, so I was. Of an old and noble family
— only with an overabundance of daughters, you understand. My father sent
me to be Lady Hero's waiting maid, so I might find a good husband. I might have
had a count or a duke of my very own if I — I beg your pardon again, Your
Highness; I've forgotten my place.
Pedro laughs.
DON PEDRO
Your place, Margaret, is all the wide world — and methinks, it is the
better for your being placed in it.
MARGARET
You speak so only to comfort me.
DON PEDRO
And why should I not speak so?
MARGARET
Because I am not to be comforted. I am a fallen woman. So I am. I thought Borachio
would marry me, but after he did what he did, I told him I never wanted to see
him again, and so the bastard prince killed him, and now my Borachio is dead
and it's all my fault.
Enter Beatrice.
BEATRICE
Margaret? What's amiss…
(to Don Pedro)
Your Highness.
Don Pedro and Margaret get up; Margaret curtsies.
BEATRICE
I fear I am intruding.
MARGARET
Your pardon, Lady... Highness...
Margaret attempts to flee, but Beatrice catches her by the arm.
BEATRICE
Nay, Margaret. Tarry a moment, I pray you.
Beatrice sits down next to Pedro.
BEATRICE
(to Margaret)
I know Prince Pedro has done much to upset you, but he does not…
DON PEDRO
I did not make her cry. I heard her crying and I came in here.
BEATRICE
Wherefore then are you so sad? It cannot be that you shed any tears for that
worthless Borachio.
Margaret nods.
BEATRICE
Oh, Margaret… Listen to me very carefully. Lady Hero can make no account
of her whereabouts on that night, and she was not with Count Claudio. If the
truth of what happened cannot be discovered, the Count is within his rights
to divorce her.
Margaret gasps.
BEATRICE
I do not believe he will divorce her, but she will still be shamed in the eyes
of all Messina. I know you have already spoken to Constable Dogberry, but please
tell me everything you remember about the night before the wedding.
MARGARET
Yes, m'lady. My Borachio, he was a fanciful sort. He would tell me tales for
hours, and make me laugh or weep or play me whichever way he liked. He was always
for games and gambols. So, he said to me, Margaret, he said, let us pretend,
thou and I, that thou'rt Lady Hero, and I am Count Claudio, and I shall woo
thee and win thee like a fine and proper lady. Then he bade me be at my lady's
window at twelve of the clock that night, and he said he would there meet me.
And I said to him, Borachio, thou hadst best woo and win me softly, lest thou
wakest m'lady Hero. And he said to me, never thou mind, Margaret, about fair
Hero. I know something thou dost not. He winked at me, so…
(Margaret gives an exaggerated wink)
But he would not tell me what he knew.
BEATRICE
And Hero was asleep in her bed the while?
MARGARET
No, m'lady. She was not. She was not in the chamber at all. I parted the bed
curtains and peeked into the bed. It was empty. The bedclothes were disarranged
as if she had been lying there, but she was not in the bed.
(continued)
MARGARET (continued)
I asked Borachio what he had done with her, as I thought it a very curious thing,
m'lady not being abed. He only laughed and told me she had made a meeting with
her lover. Which I thought was very peculiar.
BEATRICE
Twelve o'clock. Are you certain?
MARGARET
Yes, I am. I remember I heard the church bell strike, right before Borachio
called to me.
DON PEDRO
I remember that, too. We had just come into the orchard, following my brother.
BEATRICE
Well, Hero was not in her bed at one and thirty either, when I returned. She
made a great show of pretending to be so fatigued she could scarce open her
eyes. I thought, when I saw her not in bed, that she had gone out to tryst with
Claudio. But, if she was not with him, whither did she go?
MARGARET
And without her robe and slippers.
DON PEDRO
Doubtless she was still in her clothing.
MARGARET
She was not, Prince Pedro. Begging your pardon for contradicting Your Highness,
but I undressed her that night myself at a little past eleven, and her gown
was still in the wardrobe when I came up again to meet Borachio. I checked,
you see, thinking she had gone to meet the Count.
DON PEDRO
More and more mysterious.
Enter Benedick.
BENEDICK
Wife, I would think this to be a tryst, were it not for your sober expression.
And your chaperone.
MARGARET
I beg your pardon, signore...
Margaret starts to get up; Benedick sits down next to Beatrice and Don Pedro.
BEATRICE
We have thus far determined that my cousin undressed for bed at eleven and thirty,
lay in her bed, and then left it, wearing her nightgown and no robe or slippers.
She went who knows whither, and returned sometime during the night, after I
had fallen asleep.
BENEDICK
Does she sleepwalk?
Don Pedro looks excited for a second, then:
DON PEDRO
How could Borachio have known that?
MARGARET
Oh, Your Highness…
BEATRICE
We know you would not tell Borachio such a thing. To my knowledge she never
has walked while asleep. Besides, even if he somehow discovered her to do so
now and again, he could not count on her doing so that night.
BENEDICK
Unless he put her under an enchantment.
BEATRICE
Be serious.
BENEDICK
I am as grave as a sexton. Your cousin vanished for at least an hour, and no
one knows where she went. Not even she.
DON PEDRO
If Signore Borachio had been an enchanter, how is it that Constable Dogberry's
watch captured him with such ease?
BENEDICK
Perhaps we are not giving the Constable due credit. Faith, I wonder that any
man could truly be so addle-pated.
BEATRICE
I do not wonder at it.
BENEDICK
Mark you, we shall see this mystery solved, and you shall stand amazed at the
good Constable's intellect.
BEATRICE
If he displays any intellect at all, I shall indeed stand amazed.
SCENE 13.
The garden of the estate. Allegra enters, looking distracted and unhappy. A moment later, Don John enters from another direction. They greet one another warily.
DON JOHN
Good day, Lady Allegra.
ALLEGRA
Good day, Don John.
DON JOHN
I am intruding.
ALLEGRA
No. Not at all.
A moment of awkward silence.
ALLEGRA
Has my brother… explained my circumstances to you?
DON JOHN
He has.
ALLEGRA
Then you understand why I cannot accept you, much as I am flattered by your
offer.
DON JOHN
I understand why you profess not to accept me.
ALLEGRA
M'lord…
DON JOHN
I agree with Signore Benedick. What you attribute to a Gypsy curse is coincidence,
nothing more. My offer of marriage stands.
Allegra isn't sure whether to be offended or amused by his attitude.
ALLEGRA
I see.
DON JOHN
If you have additional reasons for refusing me, state them now.
ALLEGRA
You waste no time, m'lord.
DON JOHN
I have no talent for making pretty speeches.
ALLEGRA
You might try practicing.
Don John looks surprised at being tweaked.
DON JOHN
Evidently, your family has also been cursed with impertinence.
Allegra laughs; Don John folds his arms across his chest, looking annoyed.
ALLEGRA
I'm sorry. Truly I am. But, m'lord, you must admit...
DON JOHN
My brother has commanded that I take you as a wife, Lady Allegra. I do not want
to marry you. I do not want to be married at all. I cannot force you to accept
me, but you should not be so hasty to hate me.
ALLEGRA
I assure you, m'lord, I do not hate you.
DON JOHN
My father is the King of Aragon, and by Aragonese law, our children will be
legitimate nobility, even if I am not.
ALLEGRA
I beg your pardon, Don John. I had no idea you were...
DON JOHN
A bastard.
ALLEGRA
... from the other side of the blanket.
DON JOHN
Certes, you were told. I cannot believe Signore Benedick would have missed the
opportunity to regale his sister with lurid tales of my cruelty and villainy.
ALLEGRA
They sound very colorful, but my brother would hardly have told me tales of
that sort if he wished me to accept you as my husband.
Don John gives her a look; she's scored a point.
DON JOHN
I believe your brother's motives must then be more subtle.
ALLEGRA
This is Signore Benedick we are speaking of?
Another point scored. Don John grins briefly, without irony.
DON JOHN
Aye. Signore Benedick. Who has told you nothing of me, so that I must perforce
tell you myself.
ALLEGRA
Don John, I am aware of the beliefs concerning children of illegitimate birth;
bastards are thought to have no souls and to be inherently evil-natured. I do
not believe that. Your parentage doesn't matter to me, and as for your past
deeds, you need not divulge them. I cannot accept you.
DON JOHN
Ah yes. You are enlightened enough to disregard popular superstitions about
bastardy, yet you refuse to marry me because you are under a Gypsy curse.
ALLEGRA
Three men promised to me have died, Don John. I have perfectly good cause to
believe there is curse on my family.
DON JOHN
I can give you perfectly good cause to believe the superstitions about bastards,
too, Lady Allegra. Do not treat me like a fool.
ALLEGRA
I am not using my situation as an excuse. I can think of a hundred better reasons
to refuse you, m'lord. Good day.
Allegra turns and leaves. Don John grabs her arm, but lets go immediately,
realizing this isn't a good tactic for gaining her favor.
DON JOHN
Lady Allegra, forgive me. I have —
ALLEGRA
No talent for making pretty speeches. So you have said, m'lord.
She keeps walking.
DON JOHN
Mujer, alto! Stop! Stop. Please.
Allegra turns to face him.
ALLEGRA
Well?
DON JOHN
My brother will strip me of everything I possess if I do not marry you. My lands,
my title, my military rank. Everything.
ALLEGRA
(sarcastically)
Why? Did you murder someone?
He looks away from her. She realizes her casual question might have hit the mark.
ALLEGRA
Did you?
DON JOHN
No.
ALLEGRA
What did you do?
No answer. A beat, then he looks at her.
DON JOHN
I am sorry if my behavior does not please you.
ALLEGRA
And I am sorry if mine does not please you.
He takes a necklace out of a pocket in his doublet and hands it to her.
DON JOHN
Here. For you.
ALLEGRA
M'lord, I cannot refuse you and accept —
DON JOHN
(impatiently)
You have made yourself clear. So have I. Take it. Else, I will give it to one
of my men and will adorn the throat of some trull. Take it. I will not mistake
your acceptance of it as an acceptance of me.
Allegra takes the necklace.
ALLEGRA
Thank you. Gracias.
DON JOHN
De nada.
Don John and Allegra have a moment. An awkward truce, but also the beginning of a rapport, and some attraction as well. Allegra is a little flustered, and she falls back on the mannered social conventions she is used to.
ALLEGRA
The gardens here are lovely. Would you care to walk with me, m'lord?
Don John realizes what she's doing, and he's surprised she is willing to give him another chance.
DON JOHN
That would be… pleasant.
Don John offers her his arm, like a gentleman is supposed to.
ALLEGRA
Do you come often to Messina, Don John?
SCENE 14.
Before John can answer, Count Claudio enters. He takes in the situation, and he doesn't look pleased to see Don John and Allegra getting along.
COUNT CLAUDIO
Lady Allegra.
ALLEGRA
Count Claudio.
DON JOHN
Good day, Count Claudio. How is your wife?
Claudio bristles.
COUNT CLAUDIO
It is to my great displeasure, sir, that Signore Benedick prevailed upon your
brother. Were the decision left to me, you would have been killed.
DON JOHN
If you would execute me without fair trial simply to slake your own thirst for
vengeance, then 'tis a good thing you are only a lordling.
COUNT CLAUDIO
And you are only a bastard.
DON JOHN
A tune I have heard often enough. Sing me something new.
COUNT CLAUDIO
Nay, I played the fool for you once. Not again. You will get no more entertainment
from me.
DON JOHN
I had precious little from you before. You were a poor player, Count. Your performance
was predictable.
COUNT CLAUDIO
I know you hate me and I know why. Your own brother loves me better than he
does you.
DON JOHN
If that were true, then I would be dead.
COUNT CLAUDIO
I'll kill you myself!
DON JOHN
You little whelp. Trying to bite me when you haven't even cut your milk-teeth.
COUNT CLAUDIO
I demand satisfaction from you, sirrah!
Count Claudio attempts to attack Don John; Don John avoids him easily.
DON JOHN
Oh, come. This is fine sport. I'd sooner fight your wife. At least subduing
her would be a challenge. And a pleasant one.
ALLEGRA
Stop it!
Don John glances at her and Count Claudio takes the opportunity to punch him in the face.
ALLEGRA
(to Count Claudio)
Knavish! Insolent, infamous, ungentlemanly —
COUNT CLAUDIO
Be silent, woman!
ALLEGRA
I will not be silent!
COUNT CLAUDIO
You know him not! You know not what he has done, that you can speak thus for
him!
ALLEGRA
Whatever he has done, it cannot possibly excuse your cowardly behavior! If this
is how you conduct yourself on the field of battle, sir, I am ashamed to call
you my countryman!
Count Claudio is furious, but John is clearly delighted by Allegra's set-down.
COUNT CLAUDIO
He deserves no better. He does not merit the luxury of the gentleman's code.
He is not even a man. He is the Devil, Lady — as you will discover to
your everlasting misery and shame!
Exit Count Claudio. Allegra puts her hands on her hips and watches them go.
ALLEGRA
Well!
(to Don John)
Are you hurt? Oh! You're bleeding!
DON JOHN
'Tis not fatal.
ALLEGRA
I can see that. Here.
She hands him her handkerchief. He presses it to his split lip.
DON JOHN
Count Claudio is right.
ALLEGRA
That you're the Devil? I doubt that.
DON JOHN
You've only known me a short while, Lady.
ALLEGRA
And you've been on your best behavior. To your disadvantage, m'lord. 'Twould
be better if I saw you at your worst.
DON JOHN
I cannot imagine how.
ALLEGRA
I'faith, because you are trying to court me. My mother always told me the Devil
was at his worst when he was being charming.
Angrily, Don John grabs her by the arms.
DON JOHN
Listen and understand. I am a bastard. I am a villain. Everyone who hates me
has ample reason. I can give you a reason as well, Lady Allegra.
He pushes her away from him, and exits. She watches him go. Exit Allegra, looking thoughtful.
SCENE 15.
Enter Count Claudio. He storms around furiously.
COUNT CLAUDIO
Smirking, preening villain — of all the effrontery! That Prince Pedro
would spare him — nay, welcome him back into our midst to breed fresh
mischief! It is beyond endurance!
Enter Hero.
HERO
Husband, wherefore are you so upset?
COUNT CLAUDIO
Don John the Bastard!
HERO
The prince's brother knows the extent of his welcome. He would not dare attempt...
COUNT CLAUDIO
Oh would he not? Would he not indeed. You know not, wife, the extent of what
he would dare.
HERO
But… what has he done, Claudio?
COUNT CLAUDIO
Nothing save win the favor of Benedick's sister through his vile trickery and
deceit.
Hero looks somewhat unimpressed by this.
COUNT CLAUDIO
Well, wife? What have you to say?
HERO
Nothing, husband.
COUNT CLAUDIO
Nay, surely you have an opinion. A woman always has an opinion.
HERO
Very well. My opinion is thus: leave off your baiting and harrying of Don John,
if he has done nothing save what he is bid to do. It is not your office to punish
him. It is Prince Pedro's.
COUNT CLAUDIO
You, my sweet love, have more reason to hate the Bastard even than I do. I wonder
at your forbearance.
HERO
You should not wonder at it — or perhaps you should likewise wonder at
my forbearance for you.
COUNT CLAUDIO
How now, wife? Do you turn traitor upon me?
HERO
No more than you turned traitor upon me, the day of our wedding.
COUNT CLAUDIO
I acted as I thought right. The bastard prince holds all the blame.
HERO
Indeed? Don John is to blame even for your lack of faith in me? You loved me
so much, you asked Prince Pedro to break with me, so you might wed me. Yet,
you cast me aside like an orange peel, with no second thought. You thought not
even to ask me if I spoke with a man at my window that night.
COUNT CLAUDIO
My love, I…
HERO
Being likewise so ill-used by you, I must confess some sympathy for John the
Bastard.
COUNT CLAUDIO
Well, mayhap you should have married him, and not me.
HERO
I do not love him, Claudio. I love you.
COUNT CLAUDIO
And 'tis true I love you, sweet Hero. Even the better for having almost lost
you. But, the Bastard has insulted me grievously. And you as well, my sweet.
HERO
Claudio, for my sake, I pray you — leave off this ill-begot vengeance
and let the prince punish his brother.
CLAUDIO
Do you think me a boy?
HERO
No, husband. Yet, I think the Bastard Prince is no man, either. He is a thing
in man-shape. He is a demon.
Claudio laughs.
HERO
I have heard that when a man is very evil, when his soul turns away from God,
it is taken straight down to Hell, and a demon flies up from the pit to take
its place in the body for the rest of its natural span. I believe Don John is
such a creature.
COUNT CLAUDIO
My gentle love, these are foolish fancies. Don John is no demon. He is just
a man. We shall hear no more about it, sweet Hero.
HERO
Yes, Claudio.
Lights and Curtain.
***
INTERMISSION
***
SCENE 16.
Don John's room at the estate. Conrade putters around, straightening clothing and furnishings. Even though the room is neat already, he seems dissatisfied with it. Don John enters and notes this behavior with irritation.
DON JOHN
I am a soldier, Conrade. I need not this constant fussing and fiddling.
CONRADE
Yes, m'lord.
Conrade continues to fuss and fiddle, wary of Don John's bad mood. Don John flops into a chair.
DON JOHN
Well, Conrade. Signore Benedick's sister will not have me as a husband. Me —
a Prince of Aragon. Let it be scribed in the annals of history. The first time
a woman has turned up her dainty nose at riches and rank.
CONRADE
Well, m'lord... they must always make the pretense of hating you. They must
first behave like good, God-fearing daughters before they come to your arms.
John waves his hand at Conrade, as if this is a rationalization he's heard
many times. Conrade persists.
DON JOHN
This woman is different.
CONRADE
‘Tis true. I have passed one or two words with this sister of Signore
Benedick's, m'lord. She is gentle-bred and agreeable to look upon, I will say
that for her.
DON JOHN
She is exceedingly fair.
CONRADE
Do you favor her?
Don John gives him an evil look: Conrade realizes he is treading on thin ice.
DON JOHN
Do I what, Conrade?
CONRADE
I meant, m'lord... I... I hope that you may someday find...
DON JOHN
(amused)
Thou'rt as sentimental as a woman, Conrade.
A knock at the door. Conrade goes to answer it. Dogberry and Verges are in the hallway.
DOGBERRY
We would speak with your master, the bastard.
CONRADE
If you would speak with my master the prince, then you will address him with
proper respect.
DOGBERRY
We would have words with your master.
DON JOHN
I have had all the words with thee that I wish to.
DOGBERRY
Begging your pardon, m'lord —
DON JOHN
Ah, now thou'rt come begging-my-pardon-m'lord? Begone.
VERGES
Begging your pardon, Your Highness, but you are a bastard.
DON JOHN
I thank thee for the reminder. Good day.
DOGBERRY
I would have converse with you both precipitating the Lady Hero and the night
before her wedding.
DON JOHN
I've already told thee all I know, and if thou dost not remove thy fat, carbuncled,
hodge-pudding corpse from my presence, I will kick it down the stairs.
DOGBERRY
Here now, Your Princeliness. There's no call for you to go festooning my office
with your byblowious designs. We are pursuing our investigation by gracious
orifice of Duke Leonato, and if anybody will be kicking me belowstairs, it shall
be the good duke himself.
VERGES
Blessings 'pon you an he did so, good constable.
DOGBERRY
We shall be perverse in the matter. Do now permit us, good spaniels.
CONRADE
I believe you meant Spaniards.
DOGBERRY
Aye, and so I said, bless you for a grazing mooncalf. Now let us in, good master.
Conrade looks at John, who shrugs. Conrade opens the door; Dogberry & Verges enter.
DOGBERRY
Master gentleman Conrade, will you now impair to us your knowledge of whither
the Lady Hero had gone and furthermore the mendacity of your own opinion?
Conrade starts to speak.
VERGES
A moment, good sir, a moment, if you please. We have already thus far obtained
the forthcoming information from the prince, by whom I mean your bastard master's
brother.
DOGBERRY
Nay, nay! Nay, good officer. Tell these infectious villains nothing that we
know, lest they fabricate and enumerate their facts.
VERGES
Good Constable Dogberry, you are a sage and sentient pediment indeed. Now, master
Conrade, do you know aught else about the night?
CONRADE
Signore Borachio confessed to me of slipping Lady Hero a sleeping potion, and
spiriting her away somewhere. He would not tell me where. After we were released
from the jail, I shunned his company as much as I was able. A few days later,
he was dead.
DOGBERRY
(to Don John)
You have nothing further to add, m'lord?
DON JOHN
No. I never knew the lady's whereabouts. I was in the orchard.
DOGBERRY
Aye. Thus much has been decimated by your brother. Well, if you have nothing
further to exfoliate, we thank you for your help, gentle good sirs, and we shall
be on our way.
Exit Dogberry and Verges.
DON JOHN
I need a drink.
Conrade procures one.
DON JOHN
Imagine that, Conrade. All four of us believing we had murdered her. Thou, me,
Borachio and Count Claudio.
Conrade nods but does not reply. He sets a bottle and a glass in front of John.
The clock strikes the hour. Don John tenses. Conrade tenses, as though he knows what will happen.
DON JOHN
Light the lamps. Then leave me.
CONRADE
Yes, m'lord.
Conrade does so, then exits.
SCENE 17.
Marisol enters. Don John continues to drink through his entire conversation with Marisol, getting steadily more intoxicated.
MARISOL
She will never have you.
DON JOHN
So. You are here again.
MARISOL
What does it matter? Title, possessions, military career... these trappings
of nobility fool no one. You're not your brother. You're not legitimate. Dressed
up in prince's clothes, you're still just a cur. You should have killed yourself
the night you fled Messina, when you believed you'd killed Leonato's daughter.
You should have put a pistol ball in your brain.
DON JOHN
I almost did.
MARISOL
Yet, you spared yourself and shot one of your brother's soldiers instead. You
did not even kill the man.
DON JOHN
I'd enough of killing.
MARISOL
Too much a coward.
DON JOHN
No. Not a coward, Marisol. Not quite that.
MARISOL
Nor a sane man. Conversing with your dead wife.
DON JOHN
I begged you not to leave me.
MARISOL
Why did you not kill yourself, then? Why did you not? What have you here? Nothing
without me.
DON JOHN
I had nothing when I had you. Go away, Marisol.
MARISOL
You want to hate them. Why can you not even do that? Now what will you? Take
your punishment like a good little dog?
Don John is silent.
MARISOL
Tell me not that you still harbor some hope in your heart. I see that you do.
My husband, I see you are still a fool. A softhearted, sentimental fool. You
have suffered, and so you believe something better must be owed to you.
DON JOHN
I do not believe that.
MARISOL
You are a liar. I know you, husband. I know your heart. Kill it before it kills
you. It will lead you only to despair. And from that gray shore, there is no
returning.
John gets to his feet, reeling a bit; it hits him that he's very drunk.
DON JOHN
Leave me alone.
MARISOL
Even if Benedick's sister did not believe herself to be under this ridiculous
family curse, do you truly think she would stoop to marry you?
DON JOHN
Shut your mouth, witch!
Don John turns around and flings the wine bottle at Marisol, missing her by a wide margin; then he staggers out of the room.
SCENE 18.
John stops in the hallway and takes a moment to try and collect himself. Before he can, Allegra enters. He turns on her as if she's yet another enemy. Allegra freezes.
DON JOHN
Buenas noches, Lady.
ALLEGRA
You are drunk, signore.
He frowns at her.
ALLEGRA
Borracho.
DON JOHN
What of it? You are not my wife, Lady, and not likely to be.
ALLEGRA
(annoyed and scared)
Forgive me for intruding. I bid you goodnight.
DON JOHN
Who taught you that word?
ALLEGRA
What word?
DON JOHN
Borracho.
ALLEGRA
I know not. My brother perhaps.
DON JOHN
It is not ladylike.
ALLEGRA
What of it? You aren't my husband, m'lord, and not likely to be.
DON JOHN
Not for lack of effort, m'lady.
ALLEGRA
Would that you could be.
DON JOHN
I could be. If you would.
ALLEGRA
Think you that I am that cold-hearted?
Don John advances on her.
DON JOHN
Like any other God-fearing girl, you doubtless must shrink from even the idle
thought of wedding a creature like me. Are you not a God-fearing girl? Of course
you are.
Allegra thinks about running, and then decides to hold her ground.
ALLEGRA
I'm not afraid of you.
DON JOHN
No? I do believe you are a liar, Lady.
ALLEGRA
Don John, I —
He grabs her and pushes her against the wall.
DON JOHN
I have never forced an unwilling woman. I do not think I would be starting with
you.
ALLEGRA
A gentleman would release me.
DON JOHN
I'm sure a gentleman would.
John kisses her hard. He wants her, but at the same time, he is trying to frighten her. Allegra struggles briefly, but then she kisses him back. The kiss changes character as they both realize they have exactly the same thing in mind. Then Allegra comes to her senses all of a sudden, and pushes John away.
ALLEGRA
Stop, please.
He doesn't let her go; he continues to kiss her and caress her. Allegra attempts to fend him off, but she doesn't really want him to stop, and John knows it. He whispers a suggestion in her ear.
ALLEGRA
No!
DON JOHN
I would do anything you asked of me, just to have you.
Even take you for my wife — I swear it.
ALLEGRA
Don John, I cannot marry you.
DON JOHN
Am I to abandon you to the convent?
ALLEGRA
'Tis my choice.
DON JOHN
Nay, I shall drag you off to my bed and ravish you, and the sisters will be
none the wiser.
ALLEGRA
(more hopeful than certain)
Now you're teasing me.
DON JOHN
You insult me, Lady. I demand satisfaction.
ALLEGRA
What? Will you meet me with drawn sword, sir?
DON JOHN
I can think of no sweeter place to sheathe my blade, querida.
Allegra is very flustered by that remark, to Don John's amusement.
DON JOHN
Marry me.
ALLEGRA
No.
Abruptly, he shoves her away from him. She stumbles back, startled.
DON JOHN
Whore.
She stares at him.
DON JOHN
Leave me. Go!
ALLEGRA
What did you call me?
DON JOHN
I called you a whore. A lying, teasing whore. Your brother has set you at me
like a bitch to bite and tear at me until I'm brought to ground. Bait the Bastard
— what fine sport that must be.
ALLEGRA
John...
DON JOHN
Get out of my sight!
Allegra turns and runs. John glares after her, then turns and walks offstage in the opposite direction.
SCENE 19.
A moment later, Allegra emerges at another part of the stage.
ALLEGRA
Accursed labyrinth! This house is more accursed even than I am. It twists and
turns itself round and round for the pure pleasure of vexing.
She sits down, defeated.
ALLEGRA
This is all Benedick's fault!
I never should have come here. I belong
In Padua. Not thrust as punishment
On John the Bastard. What am I to do?
I fear him… yet, I understand as well
Why he won't play the perfect gentleman.
I did not mean to tease him. Truthfully.
My heart will have it's own way…
Ah, no!
'Twas he half-drowned in his own cups and not I.
And he began our liaison, not I.
And he accused me; he did not believe
The complications of my family's curse.
I should be the one offended. So, why am I not?
I know not.
(continued)
ALLEGRA (continued)
Ironic that I set myself opposed
To ev'ry forced alliance offered me —
To those that came before the curse, as well
As bridegrooms showing tardy. Now I find
That John the Bastard and I have like minds.
We both despise this marriage punishment.
Yet, wedding vows that I will never make,
Would chain me to the man I wish to take.
Allegra sits wistfully for a moment or two.
SCENE 20.
Duke Leonato enters. The Duke is surprised to see Allegra, but then notices she's troubled.
DUKE LEONATO
Why… good evening, Lady Allegra.
ALLEGRA
Good evening, Your Grace.
Allegra starts to stand up and curtsey to him.
DUKE LEONATO
Peace, do not trouble yourself, child.
Duke Leonato sits down beside Allegra.
DUKE LEONATO
How come you here? Your rooms are not in this wing of the house.
Allegra is embarrassed about what the Duke might be implying: that she's caught
Allegra making an assignation with Don John.
ALLEGRA
I am in search of my brother. I fear I have become a little lost.
DUKE LEONATO
I shall take you to him.
ALLEGRA
Your Grace is most kind.
DUKE LEONATO
Not at all. But wherefore are you so dispirited, Lady? Surely it cannot be only
that you have lost your way.
ALLEGRA
(with a little lightness)
I have lost many ways, of late, Your Grace. So it seems, and yet they still
weigh upon me.
DUKE LEONATO
What would you, if you had your own way?
ALLEGRA
Ah, I know not. Become terribly spoiled, I supposed.
DUKE LEONATO
(fishing for whether she's slept with Don John)
You are not now spoiled…
ALLEGRA
(a bit tartly; aware of the Duke's double meaning)
Nay, I am ever crossed by my own sense of direction. Small wonder I am lost.
And cross. I ask your pardon, Duke Leonato.
DUKE LEONATO
'Tis no matter. Come, I shall take you to Signore Benedick.
Duke Leonato stands up and Allegra does likewise.
ALLEGRA
I thank you, Your Grace.
DUKE LEONATO
You have excited a great deal of curiosity in my daughter and my niece, not
to mention myself.
ALLEGRA
I, Your Grace?
DUKE LEONATO
You have refused Prince John.
ALLEGRA
I fail to see why that should cause remark.
DUKE LEONATO
Not many a maid would refuse him as a husband.
ALLEGRA
He said much the same thing to me himself.
A moment of silence; Duke Leonato anticipates an elaboration, but he doesn't get one.
DUKE LEONATO
And how do you like Messina?
ALLEGRA
Very well, Your Grace, I thank you.
DUKE LEONATO
I fear our poor country amusements must pale next to your accustomed society.
ALLEGRA
Not at all. I find the quiet most refreshing.
DUKE LEONATO
You are quite diplomatic.
ALLEGRA
My mother would be so pleased to hear you say so.
Duke Leonato laughs. They come to a door and Duke Leonato knocks. Benedick opens the door.
DUKE LEONATO
Signore Benedick, behold, I have delivered your sister.
BENEDICK
And would that you had likewise midwifed her, Your Grace! The physician attending
at her birth delivered her backwards.
Allegra looks chagrined.
DUKE LEONATO
'Twas a pleasure to converse with you, Lady Allegra.
ALLEGRA
Again, you have my thanks, Your Grace.
Exit Duke Leonato.
BENEDICK
Well, good'en, sister. What do you wish that cannot wait 'til morning?
ALLEGRA
I think you know what I want.
Benedick opens the door and lets her in.
SCENE 21.
Benedick and Beatrice's room. Beatrice sits in a comfortable chair, dressed in her nightgown and working on a piece of embroidery. Benedick and Allegra enter.
ALLEGRA
Forgive me. I didn't realize you were about to retire.
Beatrice embraces her.
BEATRICE
Nay, do not be foolish, cousin. You're welcome at any hour. What brings you
here?
ALLEGRA
I must have words with my brother.
BEATRICE
You must have words with him? He dispenses words at the slightest provocation.
Why encourage him?
Benedick sits down in a chair, looking martyred.
ALLEGRA
(to Benedick)
Tell me what he's done.
BENEDICK
Who?
ALLEGRA
Don John. As if you did not know perfectly well who I meant. What has he done
that he must marry me or lose all that he possesses?
BENEDICK
I would not —
ALLEGRA
Spare me your prating about my ladylike sensibilities. Why have you done this
for him? If what he has done is so very horrible that your closest friend Count
Claudio despises him, why offer him your own sister in marriage?
BEATRICE
Yes, why indeed?
BENEDICK
To save you from the convent.
ALLEGRA
Pah! Any Paduan nobleman would do as well.
BEATRICE
As if you could force her to marry anyone at all.
BENEDICK
No other man but an Aragonese bastard in desperate straits would marry such
a shrew. However, perhaps you deserve to know the rest of the story.
ALLEGRA
Perhaps?
BENEDICK
Methinks you will not give off pestering me until I have told you all.
BEATRICE
You are a wise man, Benedick.
BENEDICK
I am gratified someone believes so.
(to Allegra)
You like him.
Allegra frowns.
BENEDICK
I knew it. I knew you would.
ALLEGRA
I have heard him more than once called the Devil. Yet I think that accursed
angel has taken another shape.
BENEDICK
I am certain your Don John would agree with you; no doubt he is cursing my name
as well.
ALLEGRA
I will not marry him, Benedick. You know I cannot.
BENEDICK
I know no such thing. But, come — this argument is grown worn and threadbare
with over-usage. Sit you down, little sister, and bend your ears little wife.
Bluntly, this is it: Don John saved my life.
Beatrice looks very surprised, and a bit dubious.
BEATRICE
And how did this drama of improbable heroism play out, husband?
BENEDICK
We were in the north countries. It had been raining, and the ground was muddy.
My horse was killed, and it fell on top of me. If not for the mud, my leg would
have been crushed. As it was, I was only trapped. That was bad enough. I lay
with arrows and musket-balls raining around me, trying to work myself free,
when one of the French soldiers realized I was no corpse. He rushed at me, intent
upon making me one. Suddenly, out of the smoke and the confusion, there was
Don John, riding that gigantic black beast of his. In one sweep —
He makes a beheading motion, then stops, realizing he's talking to delicate females.
BENEDICK
Don John pulled me out from beneath my horse and brought me safe behind our
lines.
ALLEGRA
How very good of you to repay your debt to Don John by forcing him to marry
me.
BENEDICK
(annoyed)
I told Prince Pedro what Don John had done for me. Don Pedro forgave his brother
for offenses too numerous to detail. Duke Leonato likewise welcomed Don John
as a friend. As repayment for our trust, your beloved bastard prince plotted
to cross Count Claudio's marriage to Lady Hero —
BEATRICE
He painted her as a rotten fruit, despoiled and wanton. My cousin! And Count
Claudio, in front of all Messina, cast her back to her father. Don John deserves
a far worse wife than you. Would that Claudio had a sister!
BENEDICK
Now, now, Beatrice. Do not make my sister feel inadequate. She is shrew enough
for the finest of husbands. Excepting, of course, myself.
BEATRICE
'Twould be a shrewd wife indeed who could make you a fine husband.
Benedick opens his mouth to retaliate.
ALLEGRA
Benedick. I cannot marry Don John.
BENEDICK
If you would leave off this nonsense about a family curse…
ALLEGRA
How can you believe it is nonsense even now? How can you believe I would suit
with John thus, simply on a whim?
BENEDICK
"John?"
Allegra stamps her foot furiously.
ALLEGRA
I cannot marry him! Release him from this bargain. Benedick, you must!
BENEDICK
I'm not the one with the power to release him. It is Prince Pedro. You will
never convince the prince. He thinks marriage a very fitting punishment for
his brother.
ALLEGRA
Will he think death an equally fitting punishment?
Benedick is silent. Allegra exits.
SCENE 22.
A hallway of the estate. Enter Prince Pedro, looking melancholy.
PRINCE PEDRO
So, Signore Benedick… where is your master scheme for me? You and Lady
Beatrice happily trapped and wedded; Don John and Lady Allegra likewise coerced
into loving one another —that is the theory, at least. Yet what for me?
Naught for me?
Margaret enters. Pedro doesn't see her. She hides and watches him.
PRINCE PEDRO
I'Faith I cannot blame you, Benedick.
You've picked up Cupid's quiver, bent the bow,
But Don John is an easy mark to hit
Compared with me. Responsibility,
And rule of Aragon: that is my course.
Ten thousand Cupid's arrows cannot change
The destiny mapped out for me from birth.
Though I may bristle like a porcupine,
I shall still be King.
MARGARET
(aside)
You were kind to me, Don Pedro. Would that I could give you comfort in return.
PRINCE PEDRO
It is no matter; I shall find a wife.
Or — one found for me. Suitable, well-bred
To be a queen, to bear me sons, to bring
Political advantage for our state,
And overflowing dowry. A fine mate.
MARGARET
(aside)
You are a fool, Margaret, to even think what you are thinking. Still your heart
and steel it. And choose another not so choosy. You are not bred for princes.
Your foolishness has turned you stale.
PRINCE PEDRO
And I a fine and glossy thoroughbred.
Saddled so, but cowardly in heart.
If only Benedick might find a match —
A winsome, wise and faithful maid for me.
The apple sweetest to my taste shall be…
Not quite so mild as Lady Hero, yet
Not quite so tart as Lady Beatrice.
And she shall love me only as I am.
No prince to her, I shall be just a man.
But, this is fine foolishness. I shall think no more on it.
Prince Pedro exits. Margaret remains.
MARGARET
Would that thou would pluck me and put me in thy heart's basket. I would love
thee to my core. Well, Margaret. Fine foolishness indeed. A golden basket for
a spoilt fruit. Indeed, think no more on it.
Margaret exits.
SCENE 23.
Don John's room. Don John lies on the bed, obviously hung over. Throughout this scene, faint sounds of thunder are heard. Conrade enters. John picks up a boot and throws it at him, Conrade ducks, a move he’s perfected through long practice.
DON JOHN
Get out! Unless I call for thee, or unless thou smell my corpse beginning to
rot, do not enter this room. I do not wish to be disturbed. By anything. Do
I make myself clear?
CONRADE
Aye, m'lord.
Conrade exits. After a moment, Don John hears indistinct conversation outside. He marches to the door and throws it open.
DON JOHN
Maldito sea! I thought I told thee —
Stops in surprise when he sees Allegra.
DON JOHN
Buenos dias.
ALLEGRA
Buenas tardes.
Don John grunts, dismisses Conrade, and Allegra enters the room.
ALLEGRA
Please do not be angry with Conrade. I have not seen you all day, and considering
your state of intoxication last night, I feared you dead.
DON JOHN
You are making it extremely difficult for me to believe that you do not wish
to marry me.
ALLEGRA
I do wish to marry you, Don John. I cannot. Prince Pedro will not be so cruel
as to take everything from you, if I will not consent to wed you. It's not your
fault. He will find you another bride.
DON JOHN
I will not take another bride. I will not wed a woman I do not love. I do not
even wish to wed you, and I...
(he catches himself)
Pah, this is foolishness!
ALLEGRA
John...
He looks away from her, annoyed.
ALLEGRA
You will not even to try to deny it, will you? You will not tell me I have mistaken
your interest in... in taking me to your bed for something you have no interest
in whatsoever.
DON JOHN
I would be lying.
ALLEGRA
You're a villain. Isn't that what you keep telling me? A devil and a monster
and a savage? A malice-maker and a murderer and a debaucher of virgins? You're
supposed to lie to me!
DON JOHN
Forgive me for disappointing you.
Annoyed and upset, Allegra starts to retort, but Don John kisses her. She kisses him back.
ALLEGRA
Is't because you're a bastard?
DON JOHN
What?
ALLEGRA
The way you kissed me. I...
DON JOHN
If I offended you, I hope you enjoyed it.
ALLEGRA
No other man has ever kissed me like that.
DON JOHN
At least one other man has. Proper young ladies do not kiss with their tongues.
Someone schooled you.
ALLEGRA
Aye. You did. Last night.
Don John laughs.
DON JOHN
Querida, I could apologize until the end of the world for my behavior, but I
would only offend you again.
ALLEGRA
I didn't ask for an apology. You could never offend me in that fashion.
DON JOHN
I've only kissed you. I can think of quite a few other ways I'd like to offend
you.
A cry from off-stage. Sounds of people running. John goes to the door. Allegra follows him.
DON JOHN
(to Servant off-stage)
You there! What's happened?
SERVANT
The stables, m'lord! The stables are afire!
DON JOHN
Conrade!
Conrade enters.
CONRADE
M'lord?
DON JOHN
The stables are on fire.
(to Allegra)
Stay here.
Don John and Conrade exit. Allegra hurries after them. Curtain.
SCENE 24.
In front of the curtain. The scene is illuminated by the flickering light of the flames, and the sound of the roaring fire. Duke Leonato enters left. Benedick enters right. They are both carrying buckets. The Duke is in his night-clothes, and his bucket looks full of water. Benedick is dressed, but his shirt hangs open; his bucket is empty. They meet in the middle of the stage and exchange their buckets.
DUKE LEONATO
What news, Signore Benedick?
BENEDICK
It looks fit to burn all night. The rain will not stop it. If the wind shifts...
DUKE LEONATO
Let us pray it does not.
Beatrice and Hero enter left, both in their night-gowns, looking sooty, and lugging buckets.
BEATRICE
(without stopping)
Good'en, Uncle. Husband.
She and Hero hurry off right, as does Benedick. Benedick attempts to be chivalrous; he and Beatrice tussle over possession of Beatrice's bucket as they exit. Duke Leonato exits left.
Don John enters left, followed by Conrade. They stop and look off-stage right. Then they exchange a look than clearly says they think the fire-fighting crew are all morons. Conrade shakes his head.
CONRADE
They shall burn up all of Messina at this rate.
DON JOHN
All gangrenous wounds should be given such good physic, and duly cauterized.
Come; my horse is in that stable.
John strides off right, looking annoyed. Conrade follows.
DON JOHN
(calling off-stage)
You there! Are you fighting a fire, or taking a bath? If you were my men, I'd
have every last one of you shot! Come with me!
After Conrade and Don John exit, Don Pedro enters right, carrying two empty buckets, and looking over his shoulder, amused: he's heard his brother venting his irritation. Pedro is fully dressed, but a bit dishevelled. Margaret enters left, in her nightgown, sooty and struggling with a bucket. She and Pedro both have their attention directed elsewhere, and nearly bump into one another when they meet in the middle of the stage. Pedro notices first, and holds out a hand, preventing Margaret from running into him.
DON PEDRO
Lady Margaret.
MARGARET
Oh! Your Highness!
As she curtsies awkwardly, Pedro takes the bucket from her, and gives her a subtle once-over.
DON PEDRO
Pretty Margaret. Twice I find you in bed-clothes.
How extraordinary.
Margaret is flustered by the prince's comment, and embarrassed by her attire, but she gathers her dignity.
MARGARET
You have the advantage of me, Highness —
DON PEDRO
(attempting to apologize)
Nay, I spoke without thinking...
Margaret indicates Pedro's clothing.
MARGARET
— but, I shall not spend an hour lacing and primping myself while my home
burns.
Margaret marches off left with the empty bucket.
DON PEDRO
So, Margaret. You have come to this. Not one snip of respect for my rank as
a prince. How marvelous. I should marry you immediately, before you come to
your senses.
Don Pedro exits right.
SCENE 25.
The garden. Allegra and Don John enter from opposite directions. Allegra is carrying buckets. The front of her dress is a little sooty. Don John is much more sooty; in fact, he looks like he’s just come out of the burning stables. Allegra drops her buckets, reacting to his appearance.
ALLEGRA
John!
DON JOHN
What is in your head, woman? I told you to —
She throws herself into his arms and kisses him.
ALLEGRA
Of all the idiotic, ill-considered — running inside the stables!
DON JOHN
My own horse —
ALLEGRA
You could have been killed! Are you all right? What of your horse? Is it well?
Are you hurt?
DON JOHN
Go back inside the house.
Allegra picks up her buckets.
ALLEGRA
I'll go when there's naught more to be done. I'm glad to see you weren't killed.
This time. Now do you believe me about the curse?
DON JOHN
I went into the stables myself. I wasn't —
A crash of thunder. Both flinch.
ALLEGRA
Were you about to tell me that you weren't struck by a bolt from the heavens?
DON JOHN
Go back to the house, Allegra. Before I pick you up and carry you there.
Enter Conrade, looking sooty. He watches the exchange between Don John and Allegra with amused interest.
ALLEGRA
The second man betrothed to me died by choking on a chicken bone. No one forced
him to eat that chicken.
DON JOHN
Your brother told me much the same, Lady. I know that you believe in your gypsy
curse, but that does not mean I believe in it.
CONRADE
Master, the lady has stated her belief. ‘Twould be impolite of you to
doubt her.
DON JOHN
I do not pay thee for thy advice, Conrade.
CONRADE
Yes, m'lord.
ALLEGRA
I thank you, Conrade. I am gratified to learn that Prince Pedro is not the only
man in Spain who is not ill-mannered.
DON JOHN
There is no curse. It is coincidence. You will be my wife, Allegra.
Allegra makes an exasperated gesture, and stomps off.
DON JOHN
Now who is being ill-mannered?
CONRADE
I would say you are well matched, m'lord.
DON JOHN
I do not pay thee for thy opinions, either, Conrade.
CONRADE
Yes, m'lord.
SCENE 26.
Enter Duke Leonato, likewise looking sooty and exhausted.
DUKE LEONATO
The fire is quenched.
CONRADE
Thank the Virgin!
DUKE LEONATO
My thanks to you as well. Both of you, for your help, given unasked and most
gratefully received.
Don John bows, looking a little uncomfortable with the praise.
DON JOHN
Think not on it. Conrade. Look thou to Lady Allegra. She may ride off to fight
the French while my back is turned.
CONRADE
Not unless you forbid her to do so, master.
DON JOHN
Away with thee.
CONRADE
Aye, m'lord.
Conrade bows and exits. Enter Beatrice.
BEATRICE
Good morrow, Uncle and... Don John. I barely recognized you, signore.
DON JOHN
Thus I may account for the warmth of your greeting.
BEATRICE
And for the coldness of my parting.
DUKE LEONATO
Here now, niece. The prince has done us good service today. Can you not call
him friend?
BEATRICE
I have called him worse, but all in truth. Do not make me a liar.
DUKE LEONATO
Beatrice...
Don John merely smiles, which confuses Beatrice. She flounders a bit. As the scene progresses, she becomes more and more mystified: Don John apparently isn't quite as evil as she has believed.
BEATRICE
How have you fared? What losses?
DUKE LEONATO
The stable, of course. And two horses dead.
BEATRICE
That is all? None of the outbuildings?
DUKE LEONATO
Nay, we were lucky. We had the help of Prince Pedro's men. And Prince John,
I hear, released a great many of the trapped horses himself. Is that not true,
m'lord?
DON JOHN
It is.
BEATRICE
Indeed?
DUKE LEONATO
Don John owns a large estate in Murcia, and he has offered us some excellent
suggestions on rebuilding the stables so they will not so easily fall prey to
fire.
BEATRICE
Indeed.
Don John ignores them. Count Claudio enters.
BEATRICE
Good morrow, cousin. How fare you this day?
COUNT CLAUDIO
Well, Lady Beatrice. I thank you.
(indicating Don John)
You allow this viper to nest amongst you still, Duke. Your forbearance astounds
me.
DUKE LEONATO
Prince John has done nothing to make me regret extending my hospitality to him
a second time.
COUNT CLAUDIO
Nothing save murder. He killed his own lackey when the man failed to carry out
his schemes. What will prevent him from murdering us in our beds?
DUKE LEONATO
Count Claudio, I beg you, desist. These fears are groundless.
COUNT CLAUDIO
He will say nothing in his own defense. Can you say aught of him with your stables
in ruins and your men scattered?
BEATRICE
That is folly, cousin. Lightning struck the stables.
COUNT CLAUDIO
Do you now defend him, Lady Beatrice?
BEATRICE
(to Don John)
Your horse was in the stables when they burned, was it not?
DON JOHN
Yes.
BEATRICE
Why would he or any of his men light the stables on fire with his horse inside?
COUNT CLAUDIO
No doubt to cast suspicion on other parties.
Beatrice glares at Count Claudio.
DUKE LEONATO
Count Claudio, you judge too swiftly. What would it profit Don John to burn
my stables? It would not release him from his brother's punishment.
COUNT CLAUDIO
Punishment! Your pardon, Duke, but a wife is a poor and soft-hearted punishment
for the depth of his evil. You all have been entrapped by his pretty deceits,
by his aping the manners of a man. And to be given Benedick's own sister as
his mate. She can be no sane woman, or if she be sane, she must be...
DON JOHN
Soft. Mark you, Count, you no longer insult me. Speak a word against Lady Allegra,
and I will kill you.
COUNT CLAUDIO
You will try.
Don John stares at him coldly, then exits.
COUNT CLAUDIO
He had best beware. I will not bear his insults so lightly for long. He shall
answer to me...
SCENE 27.
A chapel at the estate. Allegra enters. She goes into the chapel, kneels and crosses herself; and then she bows her head to pray.
Don John enters. He stops well short of the chapel, not even noting it is there. He looks back over his shoulder.
DON JOHN
The noble Count Claudio. Answer to you? I give you my answer: if I put a sword
in your hands and stood like a stuffed target, you would still be outmatched.
Yet my foot-dragging bride would claim further working of the curse. Nonsense.
Girlish fears and fancies. Yet, to be fair… the first time I offered for
Allegra, 'twas in Messina's jail, when I agreed to Signore Benedick's punishment.
The girth of my saddle was slashed. I told Conrade I was to take a wife, and
Borachio nearly stabbed me. I told Allegra myself she would be wed to me, and
my repayment was a bloody lip, courtesy of the Count. And at the next vow, I
save my horse from the burning stables, like Allegra's betrothed stuffing his
fat face with a chicken bone. Nay, 'tis foolishness.
I am a pragmatic man. I do not believe in a gypsy curse… yet I still have
conversations with my dead wife. Aye, that makes perfect sense.
He walks over to the chapel, but he doesn't realize Allegra is inside. Allegra likewise does not realize Don John is outside the chapel.
ALLEGRA
I love him 'Tis intolerable and it will not be borne. I cannot wed him. O, John…
Live and regret me. Live and despise me. Even live and forget me. Only, live.
DON JOHN
She believes this curse. Mayhap she is even right. She will not wed me, that
is certain. Therefore, evil clasp hands with evil. Her curse and her bastard.
Two negatives shall make her a positive solution, and then strike one another
from her study.
ALLEGRA
Is't true he hath a cold and damnéd soul?
Is't true he hath a blackened heart? Is't true
He is a demon fashioned like a man?
Perchance it is. I know not. I know just:
I love him. And You will not answer me.
Don John approaches the chapel, but he hesitates, and then decides not to enter it.
DON JOHN
I have no use for God who has no use for me.
ALLEGRA
The Bastard Prince is not writ in Your books.
Not if I prayed my rosary to strings;
Wore each bead down to dust with worried hands,
And nightly damped my veil with ardent tears…
John is no villain. He is a good man. A noble man.
But You will not hear me.
Allegra comes to a decision, and stands up.
ALLEGRA
Therefore must I take my leave. Put convent and curse behind me. I shall never
marry. I shall throw in my lot with the Bastard, and live in sin and shame,
never to look back like a foolish wife, and turn to salt.
Allegra leaves the chapel quickly and resolutely, not turning back, and not seeing John. John has his back to the chapel, and doesn't see her leave.
DON JOHN
She thinks me heroic. How now, fool?
Sweep off my cap of bells and take my bow.
I saved her brother's life, and thought my own
Might with a French blade end, but it did not.
Thus Benedick, alive and wondering
No doubt, at what strange motive made me fly
To save him. He believes himself in debt,
So tenders me Allegra in return.
A more imprudent whim there never was.
Give me his sister! Me, the villain prince,
That I might love her. He must be insane.
Perforce, I am repaid. And with a maid
More tender than was tendered. And more fair
Than what is fair — for Signore Benedick
Himself is certainly not worth so much.
Not worth this treasure; I am in his debt
And all my wealth cannot redeem this fee,
Since she has proved her worth, redeeming me.
SCENE 28.
Don John's room. Allegra lies on the bed, asleep in her shift, wearing the necklace John gave her. Her dress is draped over a chair. Don John crosses to her and sits on the edge of the bed.
DON JOHN
Allegra. Querida, wake up.
She opens her eyes and smiles at him.
ALLEGRA
John.
DON JOHN
Allegra, you cannot be here.
ALLEGRA
But, I thought you would... Do you not want me?
DON JOHN
Do not ask foolish questions. You know perfectly well I do.
ALLEGRA
I am here, then. Ruin me.
DON JOHN
You need not be ruined, if you would be my w—
ALLEGRA
No. I will not. I cannot. You would sooner die than dishonor me, Signore? How
very villainous of you.
DON JOHN
You cursed me with nobility, querida.
ALLEGRA
You always had it. An ignoble man would not have saved my brother.
DON JOHN
I had my own motives for that.
ALLEGRA
Had you your own motives for getting captured and dragged back to Messina in
chains? If your heart were as black as you believe, you would have murdered
your father and your brother years ago, taken the crown, and no one the wiser.
After a lifetime of practicing villainy, you should be better at it.
DON JOHN
Pernicious harpy. This is my repayment for sparing your virtue?
ALLEGRA
I asked you not to spare it. Which proves my point. You are not very good at
being bad.
DON JOHN
I am no saint.
ALLEGRA
You are no villain, either.
DON JOHN
Put your clothes on.
Allegra kisses him. John embraces her and pushes her gently down to the bed. But then he sits up again and turns his back on her.
DON JOHN
Forgive me, querida. I cannot.
She leaves the bed and puts her dress on.
ALLEGRA
There is nothing to forgive. It was wrong of me to ask you. But, I thought you
had fewer scruples, m'lord.
DON JOHN
I want to deserve you.
ALLEGRA
You do.
She walks around in front of him.
ALLEGRA
Would you... could you lace me, please?
Don John smiles and stands up.
DON JOHN
Turn around.
She does so.
ALLEGRA
I can get out of the laces, but not back in. ‘Tis most inconvenient.
DON JOHN
That is an item of information I will no doubt think about much more than I
wish to.
ALLEGRA
I am sorry.
DON JOHN
I am not. Thou knowst what I want from thee, querida. I will not have thee any
other way.
ALLEGRA
Do not.
DON JOHN
I will not say it. I know better than to rouse your ire.
ALLEGRA
I would be proud to be thy wife, John. Very proud.
Don John is visibly moved by this declaration: the seriousness of it, as well as the intimacy. Thrown off-balance, he focuses on lacing up her dress. Allegra realizes he's very good at it; her expression suggests she knows exactly why he's so skilled.
ALLEGRA
(amused)
I vow you are quicker than my maid, Signore.
DON JOHN
I…have done this once or twice before.
ALLEGRA
Once or twice?
DON JOHN
Perhaps more often.
(he hesitates)
I… I was married. She is dead.
ALLEGRA
I'm so sorry.
He shrugs, uncomfortable with the topic.
DON JOHN
She married me for my fortune and my position. She wanted Pedro, but he would
not have her. I took her instead.
Allegra thinks this over for a moment.
ALLEGRA
I see. You loved her. Did she love you in return?
DON JOHN
No. But she had not much choice. She was with child.
ALLEGRA
Prince Pedro's child?
DON JOHN
Likely. The king prevailed upon my brother. Pedro will be king himself when
our father dies, and there are matters more than love for him to consider. I
have no such constraint. Fortunate man that I am, I was free to wed any woman
I cared to seize upon, including an ungrateful whore who hated me. She bore
the babe, and she died.
ALLEGRA
What of the child?
John's expression softens.
DON JOHN
My daughter lives in Murcia. At my estate. She will not grow up as I did, scorned
and spat upon because her father refused to wed her mother.
ALLEGRA
This is why you hate your brother.
DON JOHN
I do not hate Pedro. We have…
ALLEGRA
Differences of opinion?
DON JOHN
Many such differences. I love my daughter. 'Twould be foolish of me to hate
Pedro for that.
(in a mock "holier-than-thou" tone)
No doubt she serves to remind my brother he is not so noble as he wishes everyone
to think… but I am not responsible for his guilty conscience.
ALLEGRA
John, for shame.
DON JOHN
You waste your time trying to strike a good coin from a bad mould, methinks.
ALLEGRA
Indeed, I do not. Your are a poor counterfeit of wickedness.
DON JOHN
You ought to praise me for making wicked use of an existing situation, rather
than troubling to create fresh wickedness. I am an economical maker of mischief.
And there. You are well-laced, my little lamb.
A clock begins to strike the hour. Don John looks up, suddenly serious.
DON JOHN
Go, querida. Before you are discovered here.
ALLEGRA
How now? Conrade must be very strict.
He steers her to the door. She realizes he's serious.
ALLEGRA
John, what's amiss?
DON JOHN
Leave me. Please, Allegra.
SCENE 29.
He shuts the door between them; as he does so, Marisol appears. Allegra stands outside the door looking concerned. Allegra does not appear to hear Marisol speaking and, before Don John speaks, Allegra leaves.
MARISOL
Why did you tell her about me? What made you so soft-headed that you thought
you could tell her and keep a single shred of your dignity?
DON JOHN
Go away, Marisol.
MARISOL
She thinks you noble. She thinks you her dark, tormented hero. But, you're no
better than her dog. Crawling after her. Begging for scraps of her affection.
Why do you do this?
DON JOHN
I cannot stop myself. Anymore than I can stop my heart from beating.
MARISOL
Husband… you can stop that as well.
Exit Marisol. John lies down on the bed for a moment, looking tormented. He runs his hand over the wrinkled sheets underneath him — and then he suddenly sits up, looking startled and delighted as a brainstorm hits him.
DON JOHN
Of course…!
SCENE 30.
The garden. Don Pedro, Benedick and Beatrice are at breakfast. All three look lost in thought.
BENEDICK
We may never solve it. We know only that the late and unlamented Signore Borachio
conceived the deed.
BEATRICE
I cannot blame your brother for killing him, but I do fault his timing.
DON PEDRO
Aye. Most inconvenient.
BENEDICK
We know from Constable Dogberry's last report that Hero was given a sleeping
draught.
DON PEDRO
Borachio’s belongings were searched this morning. The bottle with the
potion was found in them. We have most of the puzzle. We know why she could
not make account of her whereabouts. We just do not know where she actually
was.
Don John enters.
DON JOHN
In my bed. Good morrow.
DON PEDRO
What did you say?
DON JOHN
Lady Hero was in my bed the night before her wedding. I was not with her, but
that is where she was. When I returned to my room after taking you and Count
Claudio to the orchard, the covers of my bed were rumpled. Borachio obviously
placed her there.
BENEDICK
Of course. Borachio carried Lady Hero insensible into your room, laid her in
your bed, and then returned her to her own bed after Beatrice retired and fell
asleep that night.
DON PEDRO
The worst place she could be found, were she discovered.
DON JOHN
Aye, Signore Borachio had his merits.
BEATRICE
He must have carried my cousin through the servants' passages. No one would
have seen her. Doubtless he had used them before for his assignations with Margaret…
(she shivers)
I can scarce bear the thought of that.
BENEDICK
How came you to this conclusion, Prince John?
DON JOHN
I was thinking on another matter. The solution presented itself very suddenly.
BENEDICK
Well, I for one am eternally grateful to you, Signore, for solving the puzzle.
BEATRICE
And I. It was a most devilish coil.
BENEDICK
(to Don John)
Speaking of devilish coils, how fare you with Lady Allegra?
BEATRICE
Benedick. To speak thus of your own sister!
BENEDICK
I speak plain or not at all.
BEATRICE
As plain as brocade. Embroidering every little thing to suit yourself.
BENEDICK
Better suited than not.
BEATRICE
Better naked than hiding behind all your bluffing and winking.
BENEDICK
I'd rather wink at Medusa than look her straight on.
Beatrice sticks her tongue out at him. Don Pedro and Don John exchange a look: Pedro amused and John impatient.
DON JOHN
I must speak with you, brother.
DON PEDRO
Upon what matter?
DON JOHN
I would speak with you in private. At such time as would suit you.
DON PEDRO
I shall speak with you now. If you will forgive me, Lady Beatrice. Brave Perseus,
I abandon you to your fate.
SCENE 31.
Don Pedro and Don John walk aside, leaving Beatrice and Benedick to bicker.
DON JOHN
Lady Allegra will not have me as a husband. I cannot blame her. I want you to
draw up a proxy marriage contract between her and myself.
DON PEDRO
I will do no such thing! If she will not have you, I will not force her to wed
you.
DON JOHN
I want you to enforce Signore Benedick's conditions upon me.
DON PEDRO
(flabbergasted)
What?
DON JOHN
When I die, grant my title and my estate to Lady Allegra.
DON PEDRO
But — why? And what of you? Without rank and means, how will you live?
DON JOHN
As most of the world already lives.
Astounded, Pedro is struck speechless for a second. Then an idea hits him.
DON PEDRO
How did you hit upon the answer to the mystery of Lady Hero's whereabouts?
John gives him a blank look.
DON PEDRO
Tell me plainly. Lady Hero has not been the only woman in your bed of late.
Has Benedick's sister lain there as well?
DON JOHN
She has.
Don Pedro sighs. The news upsets him, but the damage is already done.
DON PEDRO
How did you know where Lady Hero was?
DON JOHN
The night before Count Claudio's wedding, I returned to my room, and my bed
was disarranged. I thought not on it. I assumed the servants had forgotten their
duties in the excitement over the upcoming wedding. But Conrade would take a
sword to his belly rather than let me sleep in an unmade bed, and I sent him
to fetch my cloak for our errand in the orchard that night. Therefore…
between his visit and my return, someone was in my room, and in my bed. Lady
Hero left the sheets of my bed untidy. As did Lady Allegra.
DON PEDRO
So. The woman not lured to your bed is discovered by the woman who has been.
DON JOHN
I did not seduce Lady Allegra. She came to me. And I did not impose myself upon
her. I asked her to leave.
DON PEDRO
She is still a virgin?
DON JOHN
As far as I know.
DON PEDRO
Yet, you give up everything you possess for her. I do not understand.
DON JOHN
Then I pity you.
DON PEDRO
You cannot expect me to believe that you love her.
DON JOHN
I care not what you believe or disbelieve. I only care that you keep your promise.
Don John turns to leave.
DON PEDRO
Wait. I am sorry. I am too far in the habit of assigning you malicious motives
for everything. You love Lady Allegra. Truly.
DON JOHN
Yes.
DON PEDRO
No wonder she came to your bed.
SCENE 32.
Hero's room. Beatrice and Hero enter, both carrying piles of Hero's clothing and belongings, continuing a conversation they've begun off-stage. Beatrice begins to pack Hero's clothing into a trunk, standing with her back to the door. Neither woman is paying attention to what the other one is saying.
BEATRICE
I vow, 'tis fantastical, cousin.
HERO
'Tis marvelous! 'Tis something from a nursery tale.
BEATRICE
Aye, quite blood-chilling.
HERO
The mystery is solved, my reputation is restored.
BEATRICE
The monster carries away the princess in the night and imprisons her...
HERO
And now my sweet Claudio and I shall live happily forever.
BEATRICE
... in the lair of the horrible...
Don John enters.
HERO
Don John!
BEATRICE
(turning around hastily)
Oh! Good morrow, m'lord.
DON JOHN
Lady Hero, I would have words with you, if you would be gracious enough to hear
them.
Hero looks at Beatrice in a panic.
DON JOHN
Lady Beatrice may hear what I have to say as well, as it tends upon her concern.
HERO
Certainly, m'lord. You may speak as you please. Will you sit down?
DON JOHN
I would rather stand. I will not impose upon your time overlong. Sit. Or go
about what you were doing. Lady Hero, I have wronged you most gravely. I do
not expect your forgiveness, nor do I ask for it. But, I am sorry for what I
did to you.
BEATRICE
Yet, you are not sorry for what you did to her husband.
DON JOHN
Lady Beatrice, Count Claudio and I hate each other. If I were to tell you anything
else, you would know I was a liar.
Beatrice smiles.
HERO
You bear me no ill will?
DON JOHN
I never thought of you at all, Lady. You were an instrument to use against Claudio.
I was wrong not to consider how my actions would hurt you. When I believed I
had killed you —
HERO
Oh, m'lord, it was... I am grieved to think that you...
DON JOHN
You would offer compassion to the man who branded you a harlot? You are a sweet-spirited
girl, and Claudio does not deserve you.
HERO
I cannot credit that you are the same man who walked into my father's house
three weeks ago.
DON JOHN
Everyone is far more surprised by my good behavior than my bad.
BEATRICE
Where must we place all the blame for your fall from disgrace, Don John? At
the feet of my sister-in-law?
HERO
Lady Allegra? I do not understand. What has she to do with this?
BEATRICE
It will come to you upon a moment's reflection, cousin.
HERO
Don John, let me return your charity. I forgive you. There is no fault. Everything
has been put to rights, and I wish you joy of your wife. In time, you may not
resent being married. It can be a very pleasant state… oh! Oh, but you
love the lady! It is not a forced marriage at all!
DON JOHN
(annoyed and embarrassed)
I do not deserve your pardon, Lady Hero.
HERO
Nay, I held most un-Christian sentiments of you, and I am ashamed of them. I
would not ask for you to turn completely good overnight…
BEATRICE
Indeed not. It would be too shocking.
HERO
… but it may comfort you to know that your mischief-making has done me
a good turn. My Claudio loves me better now that he nearly lost me.
John looks astonished and even more irritated, then he smiles wryly.
HERO
And Signore Benedick's punishment has brought you Lady Allegra's love. By hap,
a happy resolution. Signore, I hope I shall soon call you cousin.
Hero holds out her hand to him. Don John takes it and bows to her.
SCENE 33.
Enter Count Claudio.
COUNT CLAUDIO
Villain! How dare you lay hands on my wife!
HERO
Claudio, no! I pray you —
COUNT CLAUDIO
Defend yourself, bastard!
DON JOHN
With what? A shoe?
COUNT CLAUDIO
You shall pay for every single insult you have made upon me! You shall pay with
your life!
DON JOHN
A poor payment for such a towering heap of offenses.
BEATRICE
Count Claudio, have you now appointed yourself magistrate in Duke Leonato's
place, that you mete out punishment on an unarmed man?
COUNT CLAUDIO
(to Don John)
You will answer to me.
Enter Benedick.
BENEDICK
Well, this is a pretty picture.
COUNT CLAUDIO
I surprised this viper with his coils around my wife!
Hero and Beatrice start to protest.
BENEDICK
Is't possible that you spoke in haste, my friend? Methinks you do not mean to
malign your wife.
COUNT CLAUDIO
They were speaking together.
BENEDICK
With Lady Beatrice present. Certes you do not mean to malign my wife.
COUNT CLAUDIO
Nay, Benedick, but I... he...
DON JOHN
(to Benedick)
Give me your sword.
BENEDICK
No. I will not have —
COUNT CLAUDIO
Do it! Damn