MELISSA
Hey. (she looks around, finds her purse under some papers) Here it is. Bingo. That woulda been a pain in the ass to have to drive back to the bar for. Bingo. (she notices Frank’s quietness) You ok? You were Mr. Deaf Mute at dinner tonight. That’s not like you. (very light) You’re usually in there battling with Penny and Stuart at every corner. Something piss you off? (quieter) Something I did? Said?

FRANK
No. No, really. Just… tired I guess. (serious) Jeez, that’s what I always say when I don’t want to talk- come to think of it its what all people seem to say when they don’t want to talk. I wonder why that is. (now he is lightening up) Like tiredness hits and the mouth… muscles …can’t... quite… reach… enough… to talk! (an exhausted ‘finish line’ end to the sentence, he laughs) I’m fine… really.

MELISSA
What do you mean when you say that you ‘don’t want to talk’? Hold it, hold it. Something’s bothering you. I know you, Mister, what’s going on here? Really. (she goes behind him, puts arms around him, wrestles a bit) If you tell me what’s bothering you I’ll make love to you tonight better than I ever have before, ever! Even better than St. Tropez.. after the shower, before the rum-runners.

FRANK
Yeah? How you gonna do that? (giggling)

MELISSA
Just show you some of the stuffff the bellboy taught me this afternoon…

FRANK
(playing along) Wait. You were with the bellboy this afternoon?

MELISSA
Yep.

FRANK
You didn’t sleep when you went upstairs for your nap?

MELISSA
Not a wink.

FRANK
Did you tip him?

MELISSA
He said all tips were taken care of for the entire weekend.

FRANK
Whoa. Very practical…. That saves us like fifty bucks! AND you learned some new hot sex stuff? Great deal, Baby! Well done. (they both laugh, the ‘routine’ is over)
No, I’m ok. Really.

MELISSA
Well, I’m here if you need to talk, Pumpkin. (starting to touch up her lipstick) Really, you can talk to me about anything. (frustrated) Ok, now I’ve found my purse, found my lipstick, seem to have mis…. (finds her glasses pushed back on her head) Bingo. (sigh) Now, we’ve got people waiting downstairs…Come down when you’re ready. I’m sure your brother Stuart has at least an hour more stories waiting to be told… (walks away, gets a foot from the door)

FRANK
Melissa? (she waits) Anything? (reads her confused expression) You said I could talk to you about anything.

MELISSA
(tentative) Yeah. Of course, Baby. Anything. Yeah, of course I… anything. (he says nothing) But now you’re starting to scare me… are you ok? Sick or something? Do I need to be worried here? (he still says nothing) Baby? Frank! (she is shaking a bit)

FRANK
(explodes) Affair! Affair! Sleep with. Affair. Two months ago I slept with this woman from accounting. Once. Twice. I mean once really. Twice but the second time we stopped in the middle because she started crying because she… we felt guilty. Twice.

MELISSA
My God. Shit. My God. (she sits on the bed) Really? (she laughs nervously) Wait, you’re kidding… messing with me. Oh, Baby, please, say this is a new game and you’re messing with me. Please.

FRANK
This is a new game and I’m messing with you.

MELISSA
Really?

FRANK
No. I’m sorry. I didn’t even think I’d be able to tell you. Ever. But I had to. It kept building up, just like the damn cliché says the guilt got to be too much and I (bad Boris Karloff) ‘heard the beating of the tell-tale heart’. I’m sorry… really, Angel. (goes to touch her)

MELISSA
No! Don’t you dare! Don’t dare! Wait, wait… I don’t believe.. you.. (hyperventilating now) And you just tell me! And have the nerve to confess to make you feel better! And in an awful Vincent Price imitation no less..

FRANK
Um, that was Boris Karloff, actually.

MELISSA
Whatever! Damn you! Damn you! How dare you tell me that, just because you had a stupid affair months ago… an affair! Damn! If it’s over why didn’t you just keep it to yourself?

FRANK
No, Baby it is! It is, I swear… has been for, well at least a couple of months ever since I… never mind.

MELISSA
Ever since what!? WHAT!!??

FRANK
Welllllll…. (stalling) … ever since. (deep stutter sigh) Ever since…Geneveve.

MELISSA
Geneveve!? Geneveve the baby sitter? The seventeen year old?

FRANK
Eighteen. On November 9th. We intentionally waited.

MELISSA
Oh, you sick, perverted, misguided quivering mass of ludicrous morality! You had sex with our eighteen year old baby sitter after an affair with some little chippie from accounting…

FRANK
Not so little actually, Ruth weighs in at about 210…and she’s only 5’1”… funny, I’m not usually attracted to woman that large, but when she fixes her hair in a certain way…

MELISSA
I don’t want to hear about it! My God! This is sick… (she starts crying again, now throws things at him) I hate you! I hate you! Damn, my sister was so right about you! She told me you were worthless, useless, and she never could see what I saw in you!

FRANK
(under his breath) She obviously found something.

MELISSA
What?

FRANK
Nothing. This might not be the best time to….

MELISSA
Tell me! What did you mumble!?

FRANK
(pause) I said ‘she must have found something’.

MELISSA
Who must have ‘found something’?

FRANK
Your sister. (long pause, all the while Melissa waits, staring, pressuring) You see after Ruth, but way before I started to click with Geneveve I was feeling really lost, lonely.. hurt, actually, yes, I don’t think hurt is too strong a word.. hurt.. and I knew instinctively that you were really not the one to talk to.. Well, your sister, Babs, was very… consoling. And, one thing led to another and we… she… I… well, we both… (does a rather suggestive hand/arm gesture, coupled with a suggestive sound)

MELISSA
Wait. (she does several deep breathing moments, gathers herself) Ruth (he gestures affirmatively) Geneveve (nods) and… Ba..Ba..Babs (she repeats the rude sound and arm gesture). Is that about it? The entire list?

FRANK
This year… absolutely.

MELISSA
There were other years! Other… my other sister, from Chicago, we visited three Christmases ago…

FRANK
It was very cold. It started as just a ‘get the blood flowing’ massage..

MELISSA
And, after you got her blood flowing, cold as it was, your’s just ‘flowed’, too.

FRANK
It did sort of go there on it’s own.

MELISSA
Anybody else in my family? My mother?

FRANK
Your Dad had just died…

MELISSA
My four cousins? We visited for Thanksgiving 5, 6 years ago?

FRANK
Cathy, Barbara, Melindy,… yes. Your cousin Francine is gay…

MELISSA
I didn’t know that…

FRANK
Now, her ‘roomate’ lover Blanche swings both ways…

MELISSA
They were college kids! Francine I know was like 17, her friend must have been…

FRANK
Eighteen on Thanksgiving Day! I…..

MELISSA
… had much to be thankful for!

FRANK
…checked. (pause) I checked! I do have certain rules.

MELISSA
I haven’t noticed that many! My God, Frank! Our marriage! Four kids! (suddenly afraid to ask) Frank, our two daughters… Vicky turned eighteen in February… did you…?

FRANK
No! No… I would never!!! Damn, Melissa, that’s sick of you to even ask! My God, I’m their father! What kind of an example would I be setting… No! I’m kinda pissed that you even asked! That’s sick!

MELISSA
Believe me, Frank, there’s a bunch of stuff bordering on sick here already! (she starts to weep uncontrollably) How could you! My cousins, my sisters, Mom…. Should I even ask about your co-ed softball team?

FRANK
I wouldn’t go there.

MELISSA
(searching in her mind) That lady from H & R Block who did our taxes in ’99?

FRANK
We got a helluva good return.

MELISSA
(lets out an almost primal scream. Runs to Frank, starts pounding his chest) No! No! This is not right! You piece of shit, heartless, spineless, everything but cockless piece of… Ewwww!!!! (sits on bed. It gets quiet) Why, Frank? It was going so well. Didn’t we have fun at miniature golf on Wednesday? Hasn’t our sex life been better than ever… although you have seemed a little tired of late. Why? Why? Why? Why’d you have to tell me… Did I mention anything to you when Paul… (catches herself, is silent)

FRANK
My brother Paul? (a shift in mood)

MELISSA
(after a pause, then gingerly) … or Evan…

FRANK
… my business partner…

MELISSA
.. or your cousin Ralphie… the meter guy… (with each mention Frank grouns, sinking deeper into grief) Monsignor Teranova… my partner… your partner’s triplet cousins… (she drifts into a wonderful memory… giggles, an orgasmic explosion ‘chill’) … now that was a seminar!... Vickie’s language teacher guy that taught me French…

FRANK
I thought he taught Spanish?

MELISSA
In schools he taught Spanish, at home….

FRANK
…French.

MELISSA
Bobby the mechanic…and your co-ed softball team… the guys… except for one experiment with, I wanted to try just once… Tracy… she played, I don’t know..

FRANK/MELISSA
(together, pointing to each other, Frank not lifting his head) Third base!

FRANK
My God. My God. This is the worst day of my life. (there is a knock at the door. Both look up) Must be Stuart and Penny… wait.. my brother Stuart? (Melissa nods ashamed)

MELISSA
(sheepishly) ‘fraid so. (she asks) Penny?

FRANK
Well, it was secretary’s week…

MELISSA
Some people send flowers…

FRANK
(door opens, in walk Penny and Stuart) Hey, Guys…

STUART
What’s keeping you two? You’ve been up here an hour… Should we be suspicious?

MELISSA
(drying her eyes) Nope. Man, that was fun, Frank. You were great! I don’t believe it…. My mother! Really, I almost broke then…

PENNY
Oh, no, Melissa, have you been improvising with my husband again? Damn, you two said we could play next time you did! I’m pissed… that is such fun!

MELISSA
You were waiting in the restaurant with Stuart for an hour! You could have improvised downstairs for that time! (both Stuart and Penny start to giggle) Ok, you guys, fess up… what’d you do?

STUART
Well, let’s just say if the waiter asks you if the ‘treatment’ went well upstairs, try to act out of breath and a little sickly. ‘portable chemo-therapy unit’… made Penny spit up her water through her nose. Man was that guy dumb.. (goes over to Melissa) Did you have fun, Baby?

MELISSA
Yeah, Frank was really funny. God, wish we’d had the recorder going…

PENNY
(non-accusingly) Anything else happen? Maybe I should be jealous.

FRANK
Nope. Wouldn’t cheat on you for the world, Darlin’. Twenty-two years. Wouldn’t do anything to ever threaten that. (kisses her passionately)

STUART
All, right, Lovebirds, get a room! (looks around) Wait… you have a room! (all laugh, leave the room each with their true partners. All start to exit)

MELISSA
OK, what else did you tell this waiter?

STUART
Uhh, that you have cancer, three months to live if the chemo doesn’t take, your oldest son plays for The Packers, Frank once studied to be an astronaut but failed out of the program because of his father’s Nazi connections in World War Two. I think that’s it.

PENNY
Oh, and we told the waiter you needed to eat lots of hot dinner rolls because of your ‘condition’. Thought that’d keep the bread coming..

STUART
And the Maitre’d thinks you’re both from Pakistan.

PENNY
And both stutter…Frank was the ‘original’ stutterer, Melissa developed a rare case of ‘sympathetic’ stuttering.

FRANK
God, I love this new improv class!

STUART
Well, beats cheating on your wife! (all exit laughing, Frank and Melissa practicing a Pakistani accent… and a stutter)

BLACKOUT