1
BECKETT IN INDIA
A one-act comedy by Martin Tucker
C Copyright as an unpublished play 2006 by Martin Tucker
BECKETT IN INDIA is a comic play on the strangeness of
technology to a scholar-writer living in the U.S. The play satirizes the
appalling breakdowns of a computer as it affects the habits of a man trying
to finish a piece of his writing. In the course of attempting a “fix” on the
machine, the writer-scholar becomes enchanted with Nalini, his computerhelper
in India; he will also have some words with a young male assistant
trying to “walk him” through his problems. In the end, the writer will reveal
his longings in an old-fashioned monologue.
2
CAST
Sam Beckett, a middle-aged writer-scholar working on a new article and
having trouble with his computer. He is overweight and somewhat careless
about his appearance as he does most of his work (and living) in his
apartment.
Nalini, a dark-haired, attractive Indian lady who works as a computer
technician in India. She is polite and reserved.
Kirin, an Indian computer technician, young, capable. Probably wiry in
appearance.
3
4
Beckett In India
By Martin Tucker
CURTAIN OPENS on middle-aged man at his computer. He is frustrated.
He is fussing over his computer, which is not working. He mumbles, frets,
keeps pressing the keyboard. He is expectant, then disappointed, then angry.
He explodes.
BECKETT
Damn! Damn! Damn! Not again! Not again!
(He lowers head, starts talking to himself, looks up anguished. He hits
keyboard again)
It’s not going to work. This isn’t fair!
(Computer access to Internet fails. A bell rings to indicate failure)
COMPUTER VOICE
No access. Connection Not Working.
BECKETT
What do you mean not working?! It worked an hour ago. I shut it off to eat
something. I have a right to eat breakfast, lunch, dinner. I came back in an
hour to work. Maybe I shouldn’t have shut you off? Maybe I shouldn’t have
eaten something. I was starving. God, what am I doing? Talking to myself.
I mean, to this machine.
(He makes as if to hit the screen)
Stop. Stop. If ever I was tempted to convert to Buddha, this would be the
moment. My moment of vulnerability. Stop.
(He hits the keyboard again, he goes wild)
(He draws himself up, takes a deep breath, realizes his desperation. His
anger changes to hate. He is all steel now.)
BECKETT
I’ll try one more time, you motherfucker.
(He hits keyboard. Bell rings)
COMPUTER VOICE
5
No connection. Access Denied.
BECKETT
Shit, shit, shit.
(He moves to phone, picks up receiver, puts it down. He goes to his cell
phone, which is on tray table, picks it up.)
BECKETT
Oh, God, what’s the AOL number? Why is this happening t me? Four times
this week. Five weeks of trouble, I couldn’t access my email. It’s wrong.
It’s unfair. Someone’s going to pay for this!
(He puts cell phone down, goes to his desk, opens a folder, runs through the
pages throwing them around)
I can’t find it. Where is that number? I know it was here. Oh, God, where
is it?
(Finally he finds a paper with AOL TECHNICAL NUMBER on it. He
holds the paper up) Where were you when I needed you?
(He laughs/cries)
What’s the point! This will take another hour. I don’t have the time. My
head is swirling. I must gain control. Control. Control.
(He dials number)
TELEPHONE VOICE
This is AOL. Thank you for ….
BECKETT
I wouldn’t mind this crap if it could be done in a few minutes. But now the
voice. It’s not a real voice.
TELEPHONE VOICE
Please listen to our menu, as it has changed recently. If you are calling for
billing, say billing. If you are calling to order a new line, say order. If you
are calling for information, stay on the line or say operator. If you are
calling for technical support, say Technical Support. You must say
Technical Support clearly.
BECKETT
Technical support.
6
TELEPHONE VOICE
Sorry, I didn’t get that. (REPEAT OF MENU)
BECKETT
Technical Support.
TELEPHONE VOICE
Sorry, I didn’t get that. (REPEAT OF MENU)
BECKETT
Technical Support. What is the matter with you? Why don’t you hear me?
I’m speaking clearly enough. I am an English teacher. Or I was one, before
I retired. I speak at public libraries.
TELEPHONE VOICE
Sorry, I didn’t get that. (REPEAT OF MENU)
BECKETT
(rising to anger) Technical support. Technical Support. Technical Support.
TELEPHONE VOICE
Sorry, I didn’t get that. I’ll connect you to a personal representative.
(Beckett is now visibly angry, upset. He taps his fingers, shakes his head,
starts to pace the room)
BECKETT
Another wait. A half-hour? Yesterday it was 20 minutes.
TELEPHONE VOICE
Due to unprecedented demand, your waiting period may be longer than
usual. Please accept our apologies. A representative will be with you
shortly.
BECKETT
Shortly?
TELEPHONE VOICE
7
We appreciate your service and ask you to bear with the unprecedented
demand on our lines. A representative will be with you shortly.
Approximate waiting time is 15 minutes.
BECKETT
Oh, God!
(He paces the room, carrying his cell phone with him)
--LIGHTS OUT—
--LIGHTS ON—
VOICE ON TELEPHONE
This is Nalini speaking.
(A WOMAN IN SARI ENTERS RIGHT STAGE WITH CELL PHONE IN
HAND, WALKS TO CUBICLE AND SITS AT DESK)
NALINI
How may I help you?
BECKETT
Help me! Help me! My computer is frozen. I can’t get into my email. I
click and nothing happens.
NALINI
Nothing? Are you sure?
BECKETT
Are you doubting me? I am frantic and you are doubting me.
NALINI
No, no, sir. Please be calm, sir. We will assist you.
BECKETT
I can’t be calm. I am frustrated. Do you hear me. I am frustrated.
Frustrated. Frustrated. Do you hear me?
NALINI
8
I hear you. We will help you. You will no longer be frustrated. Believe me,
sir.
BECKETT
Please help me.
NALINI
We will help you. I must ask you some questions first and then we will help
you. Believe me, sir.
BECKETT
I want to believe you, but it is so hard. If you knew the anguish I have
suffered. The frustration. I can’t take this anymore. Night after night—
NALINI
When was the last time you phoned us?
BECKETT
Last week. The machine froze last week. All right, it’s only week after
week. Five weeks in a row. Would you stand for it?
NALINI
I will help you, sir. Believe me, all will be well.
BECKETT
This isn’t the way it’s supposed to be. When I bought my computer, no one
told me it would be like this.
NALINI
You will see we will fix it, sir. Then you will not be much frustrated. Sir, I
must ask you some questions. For security.
BECKETT
All right.
NALINI
Your name.
BECKETT
9
Sam Beckett.
NALINI
Is this your computer?
BECKETT
Of course it is. Why would I call about someone else’s computer?
NALINI
Is it a personal computer or a laptop?
BECKETT
How should I know? Aren’t all computers personal? As far as a machine
can be personal.
NALINI
These are necessary questions. I do not mean to intrude on your privacy.
BECKETT
Well, you are.
NALINI
Have you been satisfied with your service so far?
BECKETT
(PAUSE) I prefer silence.
NALINI
We must ask these questions, and then we will make it right. You will see,
sir.
BECKETT
Am I talking to someone in India?
NALINI
Yes, sir.
BECKETT
Last week I spoke to someone in India.
10
NALINI
Yes.
BECKETT
Are you in Bombay? Mumbai, I mean. I spent a week there years ago.
NALINI
New Delhi.
BECKETT
Spent a week there, too.
NALINI
That is nice.
BECKETT
Fascinating country, India. Multicultural.
NALINI
Thank you. Now I must ask you to do some thing for me.
BECKETT
All right, but I don’t have faith. I no longer have faith in computers. I did
once. I thought they were potentially wonderful machines. I couldn’t see
myself understanding them but I admired and respected them. I no longer
do. I think they are manipulations, they are dumb, stupid manipulations. If
you press one wrong key, the whole system breaks down. Imagine being
dependent on one mis-stroke in a hundred possibilities.
NALINI
Yes, sir.
BECKETT
I’m not blaming you. You’re doing your job. I appreciate your help.
NALINI
Thank you, sir.
BECKETT
11
I don’t like complaining, but what else can I do? The terror of the blank
screen—the frozen screen, I mean—is more unbearable than the terror of the
blank page. Do you understand that?
NALINI
I am trying, sir.
BECKETT
Perhaps this is a Western cultural manifestation, terror of an object. A
blank, forbidding object. Conrad, Joseph Conrad, said that. Do you read
Conrad? Joseph Conrad.
NALINI
He is an American writer?
BECKETT
It doesn’t matter. I’ll go on.
NALINI
We must all go on. In my country we continue going on and on.
BECKETT
I know your birth rate is high. Phenomenally high.
NALINI
I am not allowed to talk of such things on company time, sir.
BECKETT
I apologize…. I like talking to you. You are calming me. Thank you.
NALINI
This is what we want to do.
BECKETT
You have a charming voice.
NALINI
Thank you.
BECKETT
12
It seems strange to be talking to someone in India. You sound as if you’re
next door to me.
NALINI
We are all next door to each other. Now it is technologically possible as
well as in the spirit.
BECKETT
I would like to believe that, but sometimes I feel I am isolate. I don’t feel
connected. I’m not connected sometimes. (He laughs) Like my Internet
connection.
NALINI
You see, you are less frustrated now. Is that not so?
BECKETT
Yes.
NALINI
Soon all will be well, and you will have your screen back.
--LIGHTS OUT—
--LIGHTS ON—
(Same setting. Nalini is dictating to Beckett. Beckett is at computer)
NALINI
Click left, sir.
BECKETT
Right. Got you.
NALINI
Click left again, sir.
BECKETT
13
Right.
NALINI
You see the square, Processes?
BECKETT
No. Wait. Please wait.
NALINI
I will wait sir. Please do not fear, sir.
BECKETT
I found it. What do I do?
NALINI
Please to scroll down. You know what scroll means?
BECKETT
Of course. I read the Dead Sea Scrolls years ago when Edmund Wilson
published an account in The New Yorker. I don’t suppose you’ve read
Edmund Wilson?
NALINI
He is an American writer, sir?
BECKETT
Never mind. I’m scrolling now. Where do I scroll to?
NALINI
Please, to…
BECKETT
That’s not on the list.
NALINI
Please to look again, sir.
BECKETT
It’s not on the list. Oh, where is it?
14
NALINI
Be calm, sir. We will fix it, sir.
BECKETT
Fix what?
NALINI
You must not frustrate, sir. Frustrating is bad for you.
BECKETT
I found it. I am sorry. I do not usually behave like this. If you knew the
agony I have undergone. The time I have wasted…
NALINI
I—and all of us in the company, sir—are sorry for any suffering you have
suffered. Here in India we have a saying. No time is wasted if you do
something with the memory. Have you heard this saying?
BECKETT
No. I have heard many things, but not that. You say it very nicely.
NALINI
Thank you, sir. Now you see, we are getting this right, sir. You have
permitted me to enter your files and see the screen here in India as you see it
there in your country in your own home. I am happy we are no longer
frustrated, sir.
BECKETT
What is your name?
NALINI
Nalini. I told you a half-hour ago.
BECKETT
I had not realized time had passed so quickly.
NALINI
Now click on…. Right click this time, sir.
15
BECKETT
All right.
NALINI
Do you see… please click on… Left double-click, sir.
BECKETT
All right.
NALINI
No, left, sir.
BECKETT
Right. I got it right.
NALINI
Left.
BECKETT
Right so.
NALINI
It must be left, sir.
BECKETT
Yes, I understand you. Left. I said right to indicate I was going left. Doing
the left thing, so to speak.
NALINI
How interesting is the American language.
BECKETT
It is an Americanism to say right when you do the left thing. Like calling
the Republican party a Red State party.
NALINI
I do not understand.
16
BECKETT
I do not, either. These are Americanisms.
NALINI
Someday I will visit America.
BECKETT
I hope so. I hope you’ll visit me when you’re here… (he blushes, is
flustered)
NALINI
(she is embarrassed) …Now you see, you can enter your Internet. Please
click on the Internet icon.
BECKETT
(he clicks) I’ve done so.
NALINI
Are you there? On your Internet?
BECKETT
Yes.
NALINI
Then I must bid you farewell, sir. You are no longer frustrated.
BECKETT
No longer… I’ve enjoyed talking with you.
NALINI
We like to serve our clients, sir. It is company policy.
BECKETT
I should like to talk with you again.
NALINI
17
Any time you have problems, please to ring us. If I do not answer, someone
else will assist you. We are all experienced here. It is one small world in a
big world.
BECKETT
Yes. (sadly, sweetly) Goodbye, Nalini. (He turns to screen, begins
working)
--LIGHTS OUT—
--LIGHTS ON—
(Beckett is at his desk. He is working at his computer, happily.)
BECKETT
That’s it for today. Good day it was, too. I’ll switch off now.
(He switches computer off, watches screen. His face turns to alarm. He
gasps)
BECKETT
No, it can’t be! You’re frozen again. (He begins hitting keyboard, goes
wild. He opens his hutch drawer, searches for page with phone numbers.
Frantic, he finds page. He goes to cell phone)
(Business of phone connection—repeat lines)…..
--LIGHTS OUT—
--LIGHTS ON—
(KIRIN, a young Indian man, walks to right stage, picks up phone)
KIRIN
This is Kirin. How may I help you?
BECKETT
(angry) You certainly may.
18
KIRIN
What is the problem, sir?
BECKETT
The problem?! I’ve waited 20 minutes for you to come on the line. I’ve had
to listen to canned music for 20 minutes. I’ve had to waste my time…
KIRIN
May I help now?
BECKETT
You certainly may. If you knew how insufferable this is. I do not believe in
wasting time. I cannot go through life living this way. God did not put us
on earth to lose connections with the Internet. I would like to strike down all
your icons.
KIRIN
We have a problem, I see. Sir, anger does not help to solve problems. I am
here to help solve your problem calmly.
BECKETT
I am frustrated, do you hear? I am frustrated beyond any doubt of reason.
KIRIN
You must not despair, sir. We will solve your problems. Believe me.
BECKETT
Are you talking from India?
KIRIN
Yes, sir.
BECKETT
Are you in Bombay? Mumbai, I mean.
KIRIN
No, Bangalore.
BECKETT
Bangalore. I was there once.
19
KIRIN
Yes.
BECKETT
For a week. I spent a week in Bombay, Mumbai I mean, a week in Delhi,
and then a week in Bangalore, Madras and Goa. I don’t suppose you want to
hear about it but it was a good trip. I was there with my sister and her
husband. We were happy.
KIRIN
Yes.
BECKETT
India is a fascinating country.
KIRIN
Yes. Your problem, sir?
BECKETT
My problem. Yes, my problem. I cannot get out of my computer. The
screen is frozen.
KIRIN
Are you now on the desktop screen?
BECKETT
I am on the Internet. It will not let me exit.
KIRIN
This sounds like a connection problem.
BECKETT
If you knew what agonies I have gone through, the frustrations with
connections. All my life I have had problems with connections.
KIRIN
20
I am sorry for your frustration. We will help you repair your frustrations.
Sometimes life is full of frustration. We learn to live with it.
BECKETT
I want to live without them.
KIREN
We will do that, sir. Believe me.
BECKETT
You sound so Indian. Years ago if I said I was making a phone call to India,
if I said I was taking a telephonic passage to India, with or without a foster
relative to guide me, it would have gleaned up images of silk and sari, beads
and trinkets, jangles of gold and pyramids of blue incense flame, beautiful
princesses and glittering princes. Now it is all wires and cubes, cubicles and
wireless sets. You are now in a cubicle, aren’t you?
KIRIN
This talk will only delay us.
BECKETT
Yes, of course. My apology.
KIRIN
We want to remove your frustration. That is our crucial focus. Your
suffering matters to us, and we will do our best to delete it.
BECKETT
How much time will it take?
KIRIN
Sir?
BECKETT
It’s not I’m being unfair to you. You are trying to help me. I want you to
know I also respect and admire your country and its customs. I am a retired
professor of literature, and I have always admired the literature of classical
India. The Bhagat Vita. The Upanishads. I think, too, the Kama Sutra as an
expression of a point of view in the same way Lady Chatterley’s Lover is an
expression of a way of being, a philosophy without a dogma to it.
21
KIRIN
Sir, I would like to work on your computer problem.
BECKETT
My apologies. I live alone. Once I get talking…
KIRIN
Let’s try disconnecting. Then connecting. Sometimes going off is a way of
getting back on.
BECKETT
But my problem is that I cannot get off. The email screen is frozen. I told
you that.
KIRIN
I see.
BECKETT
Weren’t you aware of that? Have we been talking all this time and you did
not know that?
KIRIN
Please, sir, I will solve your problems. I do not want you frustrated.
BECKETT
I am frustrated. If you knew….
--LIGHTS OUT—
--LIGHTS ON—
(Beckett is at his computer, working. It is working. He seems calm.)
BECKETT
So much spam and trash. How do I get through it? Anyway, dear machine,
you are working today. You have been working for three whole days. Will
you be working tomorrow?
22
(Phone rings. Beckett picks it up)
BECKETT
Oh, hi. I haven’t heard from you in ages. Everything’s fine. I’m enjoying
retirement. And you? You don’t say. He died. She died too. God, what
good is retirement? I suppose I should be grateful I’m in good health.
Except for frustration. The computer. Oh, no, they answer. I speak to India
regularly. Never thought I would. My sister, yes. She married an Indian. A
Hindu from New Delhi. They went back to India. I mean, he brought her
back. It’s an old quarrel. I didn’t mind her forsaking her Christian faith. I
didn’t mind her getting involved in foreign politics. I rather liked my month
in India. My passage to it. With a brother-in-law so intelligent. What I
minded, I admit it, is he became her prime consultant. I was no longer
important. No, I was important, but I wasn’t crucial. Eight thousand miles
away. Or is it 9,000? 10,000? What does it matter, a thousand miles or
two? Of course I think of her. She’s my sister, even if we’re estranged.
Twenty years. Would I go back to India? What a question! She hasn’t
asked me. Would I go back without being asked. I don’t think so. Still, it’s
funny, I’ve been thinking about India. I spoke to an Indian woman last
week, two weeks ago. Such a warm, nurturing voice. No, it’s not romantic,
we’ve only spoken to each other. We’ve never met, how could we be
intimate…chat room?...I don’t engage in chat rooms. They’re all
pornographic, aren’t they?...she was fixing my computer. Helping me to fix
my computer. Yes and no. She fixed it, then it went haywire again. I mean,
my connections to the Internet. Someone else fixed it after her. A man.
Another Indian. Polite but not supportive like…what was her name? Nalini.
Lovely name. no, I don’t have a crush on her. How can I have a crush on
her at my age? I’ve never seen her. She might be a crone, a hag, a wreck
like me…. Yes, she might be young and beautiful. What would she want
with me then? …no, that’s not a feasible plan. I do not want my Internet
service to break down just to talk with her. I’m perfectly happy to be alone.
Yes, she was a delight to talk with. I don’t have to go to India to speak with
her. Not today. Not in this age. Or, and, my age! If I had the opportunity
to meet her—what a fantasy. Of course I’d like to meet her. Actually I
would like to meet her. But fantasies are fantasies. We’re living in a world
of real wires, maybe you don’t see them but they’re really there. They’re
virtual reality, just the way we’re becoming. Pretty soon there won’t be any
virtue to reality….would Wednesday be okay for lunch? I have no plans for
Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, so
23
I think it is safe to say I’m free Wednesday. But I’d better check. You
remember Ed Olson, our brightest physicist? No one knew he was losing it
till he started writing checks for everything, adding zero digits to every
amount. Turns out he wrote ten checks for $50,000 by adding the zeroes to
everything and then writing the amount out in longhand. Very rigid, he saw
the figure 500 but he wrote five thousand, when the amount was supposed to
be 500. All in one afternoon. Wiped him out. He’s in a rest home now.
Good thing he has insurance. One of the checks was for long-term nursing
home insurance. The one good thing about it. The check paid his bills for a
few months advance. Yes, I suppose he was always eccentric, but losing it
has nothing to do with being crazy. Or eccentric. I don’t want to go that
way, but I get so frustrated sometimes with my computer I think I’ll have a
stroke and I’ll lose it. Life wasn’t so complicated when we were young, even
when we were middle-aged, and we had our marbles. Yes, the computer’s
working now. Been working for days. I don’t have faith in it though. Every
day I hear of someone who has a computer problem. I suppose we could
form a computer club, check with each other by email, but how could we
reach each other if our email was down? That’s the problem—there is no
solution if the problem is how to find the solution. What kind of club would
that turn into? All right, I’ll see you Thursday….Wednesday, you say. I
was sure you said Thursday. Well, if you say I said Wednesday, it’ll have to
be Wednesday. I’m not going to quibble….Yes, take care.
(he puts down phone, walks to computer).
Guess I’ll end early today. Can’t believe I’m ready for a book and a cool
drink. Or a hot tea? What’s the difference at my age?
(He sits at the keyboard, clicks the button to exit. The machine is frozen)
` BECKETT
NO! NO! NO! Please don’t freeze up on me again. I can’t take it. You’re
frozen, aren’t you. What have I done to deserve this!
--LIGHTS OUT—
--LIGHTS ON—
BECKETT
(on phone, sitting in front of computer)
Please, get me Technical Support. Technical Support. I need help. Please
connect me to Nalini. I want to speak to Nalini. I must speak to Nalini.
24
Please. My computer is broken. I must speak to Nalini. I don’t know her
last name. We’re on a first-name basis only…. All right, I don’t care if my
computer gets fixed. I want to speak to Nalini. This fucking computer can
go fuck itself. I want to speak to Nalini. Will I ever find her?
(He is astounded at what he has heard himself say. His face changes. He
has realized SOMETHING)
BECKETT
Nalini, are you there?
NALINI
I do not know what you want, sir. I am Nalini Varma. Are you sure you
want to speak to Nalini Varma? There are many Nalinis in our country.
BECKETT
I have something to repay to Nalini.
NALINI
How, sir, to repay? Why, sir, to repay?
BECKETT
Perhaps you are not my Nalini.
NALINI
I am not your Nalini, sir. I will report this conversation to my supervisor.
BECKETT
Please. Please. Whoever you are, whichever Nalini you are, please listen to
me. I want to repay. I’ve taken so much and not repaid. All my life I’ve
taken. I never served in World War Two. I was too young. I was too old
for Korea, or maybe I was in graduate school. It comes to the same thing. I
was a failed grandfather for Vietnam. That is, I failed to be a grandfather.
My wife and I never had any children.
NALINI
I cannot speak for your wife. I do not know what happened to your wife.
BECKETT
25
How should you know what happened to my wife? Strange question to ask
me, after all these years. She left me. Twenty years ago, she walked away.
Didn’t even tell me. I was working on a thesis—an important moral
question in the work of Thackeray and when I got home there was only a
note. She left dinner with the note. She was thoughtful in the meanest of
circumstances. She said I took her for granted. She was peculiar. I don’t
mind talking to you about her.
NALINI
Please, sir, this is not right.
BECKETT
No, it’s all right. I don’t mind. It was a long time ago. After a while it’s
easy to talk about it. You don’t remember the person so it’s easy to dig up
the facts. She was a decent sort. But uptight. You know, Nalini, I feel
better talking to you. I don’t know why. Maybe it’s because you were so
kind to me last week. Even now I don’t want to go near a computer again
only your kindness has made me feel I can, I should go on with technology.
I feel I could do it with you beside me.
NALINI
I must disconnect if you continue in this way.
BECKETT
I am certain you have heard worse. Some men would get angry with the
way my computer continually breaks down. I don’t hold you personally
responsible, mind. It is your company, but that association tars you until I
remember how sterling you’ve been.
NALINI
It is not the computer, sir. It is the service program. I do not work for the
computer company. Manufacturer, I mean. I serve the service.
BECKETT
These are details. Perhaps that is the reason I like talking with you. You
take care of the details. I once loved details. I was good at them. Very
good, and then, then it all went. The feeling.
NALINI
I am signing off now.
26
BECKETT
Please don’t. Please, Nalini.
NALINI
I will have to report this conversation, I am sorry to say.
BECKETT
I’ve done nothing wrong. Filth is in the mind of the beholder.
NALINI
It is in the words of the mouth, sir. Our conversation is shocking me.
NALINI
I did not think you would have this reaction. Not you, Nalini. In any case,
I’ve done nothing wrong, and I regret nothing. If you are so unable to
understand me, then go ahead. Hang up.
(NALINI HANGS UP RECEIVER)
BECKETT
Maybe she’s right. Maybe it’s my computer that’s at fault. Isn’t that what
she said? Or was it the other way round? Who knows? It’s like the shoes I
once repaired. Those beautiful Italian shoes my wife gave me. One hundred
dollars. I couldn’t wear them. Each time I put them on, the thought of
losing part of that hundred dollars, of that hundred dollars wearing away, it
didn’t seem right to me. Why do I remember those shoes? So beautifully
crafted, by hand, not like this machine. This age. I wore them once after
Brenda left me. Somehow it seemed right. Twenty years after she gave
them to me. I was on a plane to California. To a conference on Thackeray
and Vanity Fair. I sat next to a man who admired my beautiful shoes. A
special coloring of tan, the color you only find in Italian business suits.
Trim, stylish. The man next to me had boots on. Beautiful leather but not
elegant. Brash. Still, I complimented him. I was kind. I said your boots are
impressive. That was all. We parted as the plane deplaned, each one of us
looking again at the other’s footwear. My beautiful shoes. His beautiful, but
not elegant, boots. And I walked to the baggage wheel inside the terminal. I
heard flapping sounds, and I thought it odd. Some new kind of floor, I
thought. They should do something about these new kinds of flooring. I
27
walked on and then I saw the glue had dried up on my shoes. The outer sole
of the shoe—there were two soles to the shoe, two soles glued together, the
inner sole and the outer sole, and they had come apart on my right foot. The
outer sole of my right shoe was flapping in the wind, only there was no
wind, just the stale air of the terminal, which perhaps had been the agent in
the unglueing, for stale air, like any chemical compound, can unglue a
mighty oak as well as a tiny envelope. Every time I lifted my foot to walk to
the baggage wheel, the sole flapped. I carefully lifted my foot, put it down
so the flapping would go unseen, unheard, but of course people heard,
people saw. People see such things. That beautiful shoe, worn once only in
twenty years, and it was coming undone. I had saved the shoes for a special
occasion, for a talk on Vanity in Vanity Fair, and the right occasion was
slipping from me. Too late I realized the irony of life.
I could try to talk to Nalini again. If the Nalini I talked to was the
Nalini I had talked to. I think the Nalini I talked to, the first Nalini, and the
second Nalini if she is also the first Nalini, would understand. This
computer business has unhinged me. No, perhaps she would not understand.
Why don’t I understand it’s too late? Everything is too late. I thought I
could understand an Indian woman who was kind and understanding, who
understood me in her kindness. A Brahmin of understanding. It is perhaps
the illusion formed by my sister marrying an Indian man. She went off to
India and left me. After my wife left me. Everyone left me that year. They
all tend to leave me.
I’ll try the computer again. Without Nalini’s help. I can do it, I
suppose, if I try hard enough. I’ve done it before, done it without others’
help.
You know, I do wonder sometimes what happened to my wife.
LIGHTS OUT
END OF PLAY
28