(GUY is standing at a bus stop, reading a newspaper. ANGEL approaches him)

ANGEL
Excuse me. Excuse me. (pause) EXCUSE ME. (reading, finally notices him) Could you fix this for me? (points to shoulder, just under his wing) … always gets tangled up right there… the “B” flap which is supposed to protrude from the two triangulation points- which it obviously isn’t- hence the two convergent wingessential variants just hang there- like so much jello on a baby’s cheek- not solidified into the rendezvous points, and CERTAINLY not nearly close enough to the peek to offer resistance OR comfort. Jeez, where’s a 562-B-Intro Orientation Wing Manual when you need one? (laughs to himself) Ahh… ‘life’.

GUY
I beg your pardon?

ANGEL
(pause) Could you tuck that in for me?

GUY
Oh! Sure… (he does so)

ANGEL
Thanks. (pause) By any chance is your name Enrico Sabatini? (GUY shakes his head ‘no’) Gloria Vanderbilt Franceska Wentworth? (shakes head again) Pug? (head shakes) Jonathan Elvis Maslowski? (no) Governor Reginald Francis Franklyn Pentworth, The Third? (head shake) Yaow Bada Yang Krawhoa Yartey Bah Bah Bah Frontah? (more frustrated negative response) Sea Biscuit?

GUY
No!!

ANGEL
Yancey Throckmorton Bolivia Yeardley Jones?

GUY
No!

ANGEL
Judith ‘Sweet Tooth” Morley?

GUY
NO!!

ANGEL
Ralph Eugene McIntyre?

GUY
No! No!! (realizes) No, wait… wait! I am Ralph Eugene McIntyre.. that’s me. That’s my name.

ANGEL
(smug) I thought so.

GUY
Hold it. What ‘wing’ are you talking about? I tucked that flap in because it was sitting there. I didn’t see any ‘wing’.

ANGEL
Oh. Uh huh. (he looks suspiciously around, goes to each of 4 corner points on the stage. Looks around. This ‘checking out and under’ should go on a tad longer than is comfortable. Finally comes back to GUY and uncovers pair of plastic glasses)
Put these on. (GUY holds glasses, not trying them on, while ANGEL goes back over- very quickly- all 4 points of stage. Returns to GUY) Go ahead. You want to see wings, try those. (GUY does)

GUY
Good Lord!!

ANGEL
Where!!?? (hides under his invisible wings)

GUY
No! No, that was just an expression! No, really. Come out. There is no ‘Lord’ around that I can see. Well, except for that ‘God is everywhere’ deal.

ANGEL
(peeks out) You sure? Well, flick a rotting squirrel! Why’d you yell that?! And to an angel yet! Do you yell ‘fire’ in a crowded theatre, too? ‘ Free chocolates’ at Weight Watcher’s meetings? ‘Brom Yak Te’ at Bi-Polar barbecues? Man! What’s the matter with you!?

GUY
Look, I’m sorry, really. I didn’t think. I was shocked by the glasses thing. (reluctantly) I mean, you were totally NAKED…

ANGEL
What? (takes glasses) Well, no wonder! You’ve got them on the wrong setting! Everybody knows’ Number 11’ is for ‘Wing Visualizations’. ‘Number 10’, Angel in flowing robes. (GUY starts to stutter in embarrassed protest) Ohhhh. ‘Number Nine: Naked Angel without flowing robes (whispers) ‘naked’. No, that is shocking. I’m sorry. Truly. (smiles impishly) Well, no wonder you screamed ‘Good Lord’ ! Accidently showed that to an ex-Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader in Debuke in 1964 and she screamed out the states and each’s capital IN ALPHABETICAL ORDER. Poor girl stuttered until 1966. (smile again) Stuttered with a smile…Wait, that really wasn’t a smile… more like a grin of shock. Nothing very pretty about a man naked… now women… very different. Something in the design.

GUY
Ok, enough! Who are you!?

ANGEL
Sorry. (points to glasses) Set those to “Number 11’ (he does)

GUY
Oh, wow! My G…(stifles himself) gosh and gollies! You are incredible! Beautiful! The glow, the radiance! Magnificent! Stunning! And your wings! (ANGEL gives various modest comments, ‘shucks’ repeated at least twice)

ANGEL
Thank you. Really. Yeah, The Big Guy knows how to create. Always bothers me when the non-believers croak that patutee puddin’ “I can’t believe in things there is no proof for’. Proof? Proof? Look at The Grand Canyon. The Rockies. Hymie Greenburg’s granddaughter Charlotte’s smile… and it is not gas! It’s so simple, gas has clenched fists, joy no clenched fists. So simple! (going on with his list) Salmon swimming upstream! Early Raquel Welch movies. (snickers, reflecting) Late Raquel Welch movies.(GUY clears his throat) Oh, sorry.. I’m kinda a company man. Uhh, angel. (deep sigh) Yep, Poppa Cloud knows how to create. Oh, and by the way. It’s a myth.

GUY
Uh… what is?

ANGEL
That whole ‘God is everywhere’ thing. He’s not everywhere. Jeez, what a tedious drag that would be. I mean, even for Him. That would put Him in dirt, in abandoned mines, in discarded tootsie roll wrappers… in the back of your garage by the rusty stair-climber.. (GUY clears his throat again. ANGEL sneaks one more in) the bottoms of Pakistani camel hooves.. (reflects) ..Dandruff. (pause) ok. Done.

GUY
Thanks. So where’d that idea come from?

ANGEL
Empty Pop Tart boxes. Nail clippings. (pause) Sorry. Where’d the idea come from? Who knows. Same as that ‘they call the wind ‘Mariaha’ lie. Wind’s name is Ernie. Always has been.

GUY
Wow. That’s sad. I guess I felt comforted- people felt comforted- thinking God was always around.

ANGEL
Hold it! I never said God wasn’t always around. He’s just not ‘everywhere’. Now ‘with everyone’, that’s another story. But it’s not even that He’s ‘with you’ as much as He is and you are. The Yanten people of the planet Bwirp have the only truly accurate word for it- “Kbafff” (the word is more a sound than a word)

GUY
What does that mean? In English?

ANGEL
(long stare. Then slowly) If there were an English word for it, don’t you think I would have started there?

GUY
Oh, right. (pause) Wait, you said ‘planet’… so, there is life on other planets!

ANGEL
Well, duhhh. See, the problem you guys have had with planet exploration is that you’re looking ‘out there’.

GUY
Instead of….?

ANGEL
(milking.smug) Under.

GUY
You lost me.

ANGEL
Watch. (he holds out his hand flat) Now watch closely. (He flips his hand over quickly. ‘Something’ is revealed. Amazing.) Again. (flips hand again) Once more. (GUY is literally out of breath in awe of what he has seen) Now, does that clear things up a little. There’s actually only 1/8th of a second when something flips that the bottom is the bottom. After that it becomes the top. So you gotta look quick. (does it again)

GUY
Whoa.. ! I don’t know what to say. (he searches for a word. Finally) KBAFF!!!

ANGEL
Exactly.
GUY
Ok, a question. Why would you have a ‘setting’ for Angel-Male naked? I mean in the glasses setting?

ANGEL
Well, what a rude question. Isn’t it possible that somewhere, someone might like to see a naked angel-male? (GUY shakes his head ‘no’) Did I ask you a rude question like that? Hmmmph. Humans. Rude from the word ‘go’. Actually from the word ‘aardvark’ would be more appropriate. I mean ‘go’ is waaayyy in the almost middle of the alphabet. Human rudeness starts a ship-load of letters before that. (repeats phrase less it be mis-understood) Ship-load.

GUY
Umm, I think It’s just an expression.’From the word ‘go’. “go’ meaning ‘start’ or ‘beginning’. It could very well mean the ‘start’ of the alphabet.
ANGEL
Ohh!! I get it. (deep sigh) Very confusing language. (starting to cry a bit) And we’re expected to know them all ! Do you have any idea just how many languages there are in the universe? A hundred and seventy eight thousand and eleven! (whimpering) Try getting all those on a crimp sheet. I failed the language test 17 times!

GUY
(GUY comforts ANGEL. May even hold him miming the wings that would be there. Sobbing and deep sighs abound) That’s OK. Let it all out. Cry if you have to. Cry me a river. OK? Better? You need to blow? (ANGEL shakes his head, then grabs GUY’s sleeve, blows into it, entire ritual, blowing, wiping, honking, etc. One more stutter sigh) I think we’re getting off track. Look, I’m sorry, really. I don’t want to be rude. I’m just trying to understand here.

ANGEL
(deep sigh) Ok. I’ll try to make this simple. In the glasses setting Number Nine there’s a naked angel-male because on certain planets clothing is considered a means of imprisonment. And itchy. Look at the glasses. How many settings are there? (GUY looks)

GUY
Uhhh…(straining to read, wanting to get the number right) A hundred and seventy eight thousand and eleven seems to be the last notch. Hmm, things all fit together when you know the answers. (struggling) Can you really have that many settings? (ANGEL points skyward) Oh, right. But still, that’s a whole bunch of settings!

ANGEL
Ok, put the glasses back on. (A tear bursts out of nowhere. One last hug. GUY puts on glasses) Now go through a few (he does, goes through an amazing succession of reactions)
GUY
(looking, gently turning) Plants… with wings. Ducks… with wings. Plants with wings and hats.. (looks to ANGEL puzzled)
ANGEL
Papa loves hats! Actually in The Last Supper son Jesus was wearing a felt fedora. Wimp DaVinci air brushed it out
GUY
(still looking) Oh, great! I love Dumbo! Some… weird dinosaur kinda thing… with wings. Whoa! Dinasour kinda thing with a really BIG hat!... and wings. Hey! Early Raquel Welch.. with wings. Skip. Skip. Later Raquel Welch… with wings. One with wings and naked… yowser, talk about a glimpse of heaven. (looks to ANGEL) No Raquel Welch, wings, and a hat?

ANGEL
Woman doesn’t need a hat. (pause) And they just look like plants. And ducks. Actually those ‘duck’ like creatures are from the planet TipTipBahh, one of the three smartest races ever discovered. Their infant baby ducks play with a Rubic’s Cube in the playpen. Or playpond- I think it’s called. The Raquel Welch settings were a kinda joke put in by an Angel named ‘Whitey’. Oh, and keep away from the early eleven hundred series.

GUY
Why is that?

ANGEL
An experiment we did in the late 70’s with lawyers and liverwurst.

GUY
Oh, let me check out just one. Please. (he turns setting, looks) Oh, the wings are pretty nice. No hats. And (whispers) ‘penises’… all really tiny…

ANGEL
I’m sayin’.. Anyway, there are as many settings as there are possible lookers-thru the glasses. The idea was to make anyone seeing us ‘comfortable’ with seeing us. And some were just made for fun. Not that many things to do for fun up there. Joy, sure. Enlightenment, absolutely. But fun? Not that many chances. So, some of us ‘play’. The liverwurst idea was another one of ‘Whitey’s”…Actually it was funny seeing those lawyers not able to talk because they had liverwurst in their mouths. (ANGEL giggles)

GUY
(laughing along) Yeah, and the itty bitty (whispers) penises.

ANGEL
Oh, we had nothing to do with that. They came that way. (realizes the pun) Though I don’t see how!! (laughs at his own joke, a bit too much)
GUY
Shame on you! Put your hand out! (ANGEL is hesitant.. then does. GUY slaps it)

ANGEL
Oww! Sorry… really. (he pouts. Then both hug a moment. ANGEL starts to cry, wipes his eye on GUY’s sleeve again) I gotta say, you showed a good deal of kindness there when I started crying. Thanks. Before I mean. Sooooo… as a reward I’m allowed to give you…wishes! wait (checks through booklet) … was there a genie and a ‘lamp’ involved? (GUY shakes his head no) Ok, it’s not three then. (still searching) Is it your birthday?… is there a cake with candles? (no head shake again) Ok, so then it’s not ‘one’. (looking) Is there a Boomtoden knuckle ring with the great-grandchildren of an elder flying for the first time? (negative shake) Ok, then it’s not fourteen. (suddenly) Ahh, a hundred and seventy eight thousand and eleven! (looking) No, that’s not it. (to him) How many wishes do you want?

GUY
Uhh.. I didn’t really think about getting a wish. I was just concerned for you because you were crying. And you’re kinda nuts… umm, in a nice way. But, if you’re offering… one, I guess.

ANGEL
One it is! (ANGEL turns GUY around) Where’s your ‘wish button’?

GUY
I don’t know what that is, but I’m pretty sure I don’t have one.

ANGEL
(annoyed) Well, excuse me ‘Mr. Negative Pants’. Did you even look?

GUY
No. No I didn’t. What’s this ‘wish button’ supposed to look like?

ANGEL
Uhhh. It’s about an inch by ½ an inch. Weighs about four trillion and eighty six pounds. That’s because they actually store every possible wish a being could make. Umm, I think they come in blue or a faded magenta color. Very soft texture. And because of the density and the ‘anti-density weight offset’ added feature… they usually float about one thousandth of a centimeter above the actual surface of the skin. Oh.. they tend to get brittle in temperatures below negative38 degrees.

GUY
(GUY takes this all in) No. Wait, I don’t want to be ‘Mr. Negative Pants’, so let me look. (he checks out and around his body) No, sorry to say.. doesn’t seem to be one.

ANGEL
Dash it! (he sighs again) Let me see. Let me see. Well, there is one alternative. (remembering) Ahh, wait… ‘in the event the wisher has no wish button and this option has never been used before, wishee can request the wisher to…’ (hold out his index finger) Have you ever used this option before?

GUY
Definitely and unequivably not. Nada. The null set. Never. No doubt. Never done. Unused.
ANGEL
(holds out his index finger) Pull this.

GUY
(starts to, then) No, no, no. Wait a minute. I have nephews, I’m not falling for this. You’re gonna … pass wind! Is this another one of Whitey’s deals?

ANGEL
(mouth hanging open) No. Of course not. You gotta be more trusting. Another one of ‘Whitey’s deals’? Puhleeaase. And besides, we’re ANGELS. We don’t … pass wind.

GUY
(pause. Thinks) Ok. Ok. I’m sorry. That was a bit rude of me. No, I’m really sorry. Of course angels don’t… well, I’m sorry.

ANGEL
(holds index finger out reluctantly) I mean I’m just trying to get you a wish. That should be a good thing. Maybe we should just forget about the entire wish thing. Maybe you’re just not ready for a wish. A lot of responsibility involved with a… (ANGEL starts to cry a little) I’m trying to make this thing work, being an angel and all… I mean I LOST track of my first 8 ‘entrusted beings’.. I was supposed to help these people and instead I lost them… Well, that Sabatini guy kept changing his name, and left no forwarding address… an angel can only do so much…

GUY
(GUY hugs him again, avoiding wings) I’m sorry. Really. Let me just do whatever you say. OK? Give me the finger again.(laughs a moment to himself) Please.

ANGEL
Have you got a wish ready?

GUY
(GUY takes a moment, thinks about it) Ok, yeah. I’ve got one. A good one. (he really does) If you’ll pardon the expression ‘give me the finger’. (ANGEL looks at him bewildered) Never mind. It’s an earth thing. Probably an American thing. (ANGEL reluctantly puts out index finger, GUY makes a bit of a ritual out of it, then pulls the finger. A tiny fart sound is heard. (A moment of dead silence. Then, both men laugh.)

ANGEL
That was great! I had you! I had you all the way! Man, that Whitey’s knows how to make a guy laugh! Super!

GUY
(still laughing) That was funny. So, all that stuff was made up? You didn’t really lose 8 ‘entrusted beings’? There’s no such thing as a ‘wish button’?

ANGEL
No, of course not. All of it was true. Whitey’s joke is just ‘add air expulsion sound on earth, America’ with entrusted beings from 6 to 9 years old. (realizes) How old are you?
GUY
37.

ANGEL
Oops. My bad.
No, you got your wish. The best jokes come from truth. And when no one gets hurt. If both people are laughing at the end… bingo. And besides, angel air expulsion smells great. Kinda a cross between freshly cut grass and stove simmering tapioca.

GUY
(sniffs the air, closes eyes. Then, smiling) Yes. Yes! That’s exactly what it smells like! And that’s sooo weird, because growing up those were like the two smells I remember most! And love! Man, what a coincidence that… (notices the big grin on ANGEL’s face. He puts the pieces together) Wait… not a ‘coincidence’ at all. My wish. My favorite smells. (at peace) Wow. (factual, to ANGEL) A hundred and seventy-eight thousand and eleven different choices?

ANGEL
Twelve actually. Big guy ‘creates’ on Wednesdays. One more planet. Out by Fwatenna, take a right… can’t miss it. It’s called… kkkkkkkkktsshhhh. (looks at wrist as if to a watch which obviously isn’t there) Means also I gotta go. New language to learn. (starts to check himself as if to start a journey) Oh, wait. You still have that wish. Since you don’t have a wish button, you’ll have to tell me verbally. What was it?

GUY
(hesitates) I’m kinda embarrassed, actually.

ANGEL
Don’t be. Really. I’ve heard them all. I guarantee you! I mean you get your normal ‘riches’, ‘castles’, ‘cars’, ‘beautiful woman/understanding man’ wishes, but not always. One lady in Warsaw asked for a white picket fence. Kid in Brentatta wanted a frozen, that’s frozen mind you imprint of his girlfriend’s smile. Guy in Portland wished for his dead dog’s teeth… embedded in his live wife’s butt. So, I’ve heard them all. What was it?

GUY
Well… I (long pause) wished you well.

ANGEL
(touched) The best part of this job… meeting people. Wow. Thanks.

GUY
You’re very welcome.

ANGEL
I gotta go. By the way, with that particular wish you get a bonus. (checking through his pockets, finds something) Cool, the B-RP 971 Wish Accompanying Bonus Manual! Let’s see… you get ‘17 more wishes to be dispersed at (looks up) His discretion’. Provided we find your ‘wish button’.

GUY
No, wait, we already went through this. I don’t have a wish button.

ANGEL
Sure you do. You used it with your first wish. (ANGEL reaches over, rubs GUY’s chest/heart area)

GUY
(Both reach an extended arm, hand behind the other’s neck. Heads bowed, they connect in silence) Weird, but I’m gonna miss you.

ANGEL
Yeah. (reaches to his shoulder) Oh, could you… please… (GUY tucks in ANGEL’s wing) Thanks.

GUY
Not sure what to say… (realization. Then together)

GUY/ANGEL
KKKbbbaafffff!

ANGEL
Exactly. (Both smile)

BLACKOUT