“ A N G E L “
A One Act Play
by
PAUL CASEY
SCENE: Living room of a middle-class tract type home in Southern California. It
is late evening, DARK OUTSIDE. There is a door exiting into the kitchen and
another exiting into a hallway, which leads to the bedrooms and bathroom.
Opposite is the front door.
AT RISE: no one is in evidence. There comes a KNOCK at the door,
accompanied immediately by the RINGING of the DOORBELL.
LILY (OS)
Dick?--- Goddamnit. ... Dick!
DICK (OS)
The dog’s not going to bother anybody..!
LILY (OS)
I said lock it in the garage!
DICK (OS)
God, I can hardly wait to move out of this place! –
Why does she have to be in the garage? This is her
house! Lock them in the garage!
LILY (OS)
If I have to come in there, I'll bust your goddamn
head! Hurry up! And spray the room, so it doesn’t
stink.
DICK (OS)
Come on, Ruby-lips. The old harpy’s relatives need your bed.
LILY (OS)
And you’re not going out, so forget it!
DICK (OS)
I have a date! I'm going out!
The DOORBELL RINGS again, and LILY comes hurrying ON from one of the
bedrooms down the hallway. She is a shapely forty-eight year old exercise nut,
once pretty but now hard looking, with too much make-up.
LILY
Well it's cancelled!
A bossy demanding voice issues from the bedroom behind her:
ANGEL (OS)
Where ya goin'? - Who’s that? Who's that?
ENTER SUZANNE, a very pretty younger sister, classy looking and more
sophisticated than Lily, and sets down her suitcase. They immediately give each
other a big enthusiastic hug.
LILY
Hi, ya, kitten!
SUZANNE
Hi, sweety!
ANGEL (OS)
Who is it, I said. I don't want 'em going through my things!
LILY
(peering past her)
Joyce. Well, my gosh. Come on in. Place is a mess.
As usual. How was the trip?
SUZANNE
We had a layover in Seattle. But- -- How's- ...?
Now, ENTER JOYCE, interrupting their cryptic conversation. Joyce is seventeen,
very attractive, like her mother. And Lily gives her a big warm hug. She also
brings a suitcase and puts it down.
ANGEL (OS)
No one pays a goddamn bit of attention around here.
...
Jackasses.
LILY
My God, look at you-! This little whelp has really
sprouted up. She's got a figure! I’m glad you could
come along, Sugar. Dick’ll be out in a minute, he's just
locking up the dog.
ANGEL (OS)
Hey-! Hey. .. Get in here and help me. Lily?
SUZANNE
She, uh-- ... (?)
LILY
(closing the door)
As you hear. Orbiting Pluto.
SUZANNE
I'll go say hello-
LILY
(stops her)
This is the best it gets. Don't stir her up.
(takes their suitcases)
-- Just sit down. Sit down. Take a mess off your feet.
What about a drink? Get you relaxed.
ANGEL (OS)
I know someone's there. I can hear 'em talkin'. - You
think I don't know what you're doing? I know what
you're doing.
SUZANNE
Yeah. Maybe something. That sounds good. Can't I
help?
LILY
No.
Lily takes their coats into the hall closet, and during that moment, Joyce looks
around at the room with distaste. Suzanne admonishes her with a silent gesture.
ANGEL
-Trying to cut me out. That's what.
LILY
(returning)
What’ll you have?
ANGEL (OS)
Tell 'em I'll be right there. .. First I gotta pee. Lily? I
gotta pee.
Suzanne and Joyce react, but Lily shakes her head to ignore it.
LILY
-- I can’t get over this kid..!
JOYCE
I'll have 7-Up, if you've got it.
ANGEL (OS)
Are you deaf or something? Before I pee the bed.
Suzanne gets back up and follows Lily into the kitchen.
LILY
- One more day of this, ..!
DICK ENTERS through the kitchen, passing them with a truculent glare at his
mother, then a forced smile at the guests. He is twenty, thin, dressed in dark
exotic garb, with a tattoo and earring, determined for a night on the town.
SUZANNE
Dickie! Come give your old aunt a kiss! Don’t you look
right in style. Where are you headed?
LILY (OS)
Nowhere.
DICK
(giving her a quick kiss)
A date. Mom’s just giving me a lot of shit.
ANGEL (OS)
She's giving him a lot of shit. She gives everybody a
lot of shit.
LILY (OS)
Go keep your cousin company.
SUZANNE
Oh, come on, he doesn't have to stay home for us.
ANGEL
That's all she does, all day long.
LILY (OS)
Don't give him an excuse.
ANGEL (OS)
.. Lot of shit...
SUZANNE
(returns with Dick)
-- You remember Joyce. You guys were only abbout
six, I think....
DICK
Yeah sure.
JOYCE
Yeah. Hi.
SUZANNE
Weren't they only about six, the last time you were up
to Alaska?
LILY (OS)
Probably.
ANGEL (OS)
(overlapping)
Stupid sons-o-bitches. You're all fired! You don't think
I know what's what. I know what's what. .. That's
what's what.
DICK
Well, it's good to see you. I'll catch you later.
Lily comes charging out of the kitchen, pushes Dick against the wall with a hard
thud.
LILY
One more word about your fucking date, and I'll bust
you in half, you goddamn little shit! Now cool it! I'm
not in the mood!
ANGEL (OS)
Lily-! Who are you talking to?
LILY
Nobody! I'll be there in a minute.
ANGEL (OS)
Nobody. She's talking to nobody. I'm stuck with a
fruitcake.
Lily charges back into the kitchen.
DICK
- Typical. Hang out with jerks, you act likee a jerk.
SUZANNE
Oh, come on Lily, --
LILY (OS)
Just a little thing we do all the time. He doesn't like my
friends.
DICK
She's always an asshole when anyone else is here to
show off for. Thinks it's smart.
SUZANNE
You guys. It's just nerves.
Joy rolls her eyes at her mother, like "Christ, do we have to stay here?" Suzanne
puts a calming hand on her arm.
DICK
... So, Cuz, how do you like Los Angeles so far?
JOYCE
Is this a trick question?
SUZANNE
I know it's an imposition, but let's try to have a good
time and make the best of it.
ANGEL (OS)
(overlapping)
I'm gettin' up. Help me up.
SUZANNE
She's--
LILY
-Just jabbering.
(calling to Angel)
I''ll be there in a minute.
DICK
(to Joyce)
I thought you were in school.
JOYCE
Well, it sounded like an emergency. Like .. you know,
it might be the last chance to see Gramma Angel.
DICK
Not. She'll out-live all of us.
ANGEL (OS)
Lily-y-y-y!
LILY
(re-entering with 2 7-Ups)
In a minute, I said! ... -- With a baseball bat! -
Jesus...
SUZANNE
How long’s she been like this?
DICK
About eighty years.
LILY
Last three months.
JOYCE
What exactly's the matter with her?
SUZANNE
-Did you tell them you got a four year schollarship?
JOYCE
No.
LILY
My god. A brain in the family. To where?
JOYCE
Princeton.
SUZANNE
Taking up law.
LILY
A lawyer?
JOYCE
I hope.
LILY
(heading back into the kitchen)
We'll need one, I'm sure.
SUZANNE
What about you, Dickie? What are you up to these
days?
LILY (OS)
Wasting his life. Hollywood. Now he wants to be an
actor.
SUZANNE
What's wrong with that? Handsome guy like him? I
think it's great.
LILY (OS)
Yeah, great. High school dropout. Big star. -
Someone better clue him that he may have to read
lines.
DICK
That's what I love about her. She's always there for
me.
ANGEL (SO)
... I can't....
SUZANNE
You do need to finish school. People pay attention to
those things.
LILY
(returning with a tray of hors d'oeuvres)
Not to worry. These days you can print up your own
diploma. - That is, if you can spell your name.
SUZANNE
Come on. Stop it, you two.
ANGEL (OS)
My foot is stuck-! Lily? My foot is stuck. Get me loose.
Dick heads Out through the hallway to help his grandmother.
SUZANNE
He's trying to help. Why do you give him such a bad
time?
LILY
I know. But I'm going nuts.
Lily follows after Dick, Off through the hallway.
JOYCE
Mom, I'm not staying here. I can't take this.
SUZANNE
Sh-h!
JOYCE
These people are complete peasants.
SUZANNE
I don't ever want to hear you say anything like that
again.
JOYCE
Look at them!
SUZANNE
Just keep quiet. We're only going to be here a few
days.
JOYCE
Oh, god. A few days. They're like something from
outer space.
SUZANNE
It'll be over with soon enough. Now,-
Dick and Lily re-enter, and Suzanne turns, expecting some explanation. But
LILY
Why don't you two kids go in the kitchen and-
ANGEL (OS)
Now see-- I spilled the water....
LILY
I’ll be right there, Angel.
(turning directly to Dick)
- see how the dinner's coming along, while SSuzanne
and I talk..
DICK
Mom, I’ve got a date..!
SUZANNE
He's got a date.
LILY
He knows we have business to take care of.
Dick turns and stomps off into the kitchen.
SUZANNE
Joyce, help your cousin. Okay?
Joyce follows to the kitchen with trepidation, and the two sisters exchange an
ominous look.
LILY
- And fix your grandmother a brandy. -- Doubble.
(whispering in confidence)
This can't go on! -- I can't take this! I'm going to
murder her, if you don't get her out of here.
SUZANNE
Where? Where? What am I supposed to do with her?
Anyway, I
(more)
SUZANNE (CONT.)
thought you said she couldn't be moved. It would kill
her to be moved.
LILY
Well, now it's a choice between her and me!
SUZANNE
I can't take her to Alaska.
ANGEL (OS)
I know what you're doing in there. Don't you be going
through my personal things!
LILY
Well, she can't stay here any more. Look, I've taken
care of her for the last five years. Now it's your turn.
You've got to--
SUZANNE
I'll give you another three or four hundred a month-
LILY
(whispering)
It's not the money! You hear what's going on? It never
stops!
SUZANNE
We'll go out looking tomorrow. They've got to have
good care facilities around--
LILY
We can't put her in a facility! That's what I'm trying to
tell you!
ANGEL (OS)
Why are you whispering? ... They think I can't hear
'em whispering.
SUZANNE
You can't give her the right kind of care. And neither
can I.
ANGEL (OS)
I can hear you.
LILY
Baby sister, watch my lips. She takes her medication
every four hours, or she'll die.
SUZANNE
That's what-
LILY
And they up the dosage almost every month-
SUZANNE
I know, I'm fully--
LILY
It makes her TALK!
SUZANNE
What do you mean--?
LILY
Everything she knows, - gushing out of her like a
sewer pipe! The longer she lasts, the more needs,
and the more she takes, the more she talks!
SUZANNE
But--
LILY
I can't even have a delivery for fear of what she's
going to say.
SUZANNE
Like---?
LILY
Like everything! Sometimes I think she does it on
purpose, just to provoke me.
SUZANNE
Well, you know that's not true.
LILY
I know, but it gives me an excuse to imagine how
many ways I could throttle her.
SUZANNE
She says things about us?
Lily closes the door to the kitchen.
LILY
You couldn't imagine what she remembers. She
remembers more than I do! It's like her clock got
turned back. Only instead of Daylight Savings Time,
it's Heyday in San Diego.
SUZANNE
Jesus. Has anyone- ... ?
LILY
Not yet.
SUZANNE
There has to be some other kind of medicine they can
give her.
LILY
Chloroform! - She's already outlived all their
expectations. You want to stop the medication that's
keeping her going? You explain it.
SUZANNE
Well, I can't take her! I'm- I'm involved with the whole
community up there! They know me. I work in the
court. I'm an elected off-
ANGEL (OS)
Lily? God damn you! Help me up!
LILY
Hold your horses. I'll be there in a minute.
ANGEL (OS)
I'm gonna pee the bed, if you don't.
LILY
No you won't. Just hold it.
SUZANNE
Official. This is why I went up there in the first place.
LILY
So that's you. What about me? I'm in Community
Services! With the Unified School District. Two years
to retire. How do you think it's been for me? My whole
life ready to explode every time someone comes
within earshot of this place! My god, it's got so bad
that people are beginning to think I'm running a crack
lab or something.
SUZANNE
Well, we have to think of something else. I have
Joyce, - all her friends.. She's on the Dean's list. This
would kill her.
LILY
If I can do it, you can do it.
SUZANNE
How? You mean you leave her alone in the house
when you're gone?
LILY
Dickie's here most the time. Lazy fuck.
SUZANNE
Then stop bad-mouthing him. Maybe that's why he
dropped out of school. He had to help. -- Does he
know about--? Everything?
LILY
We don't talk about it. Mostly we fight.
The PHONE RINGS. Dick comes bolting through the kitchen door to get the
phone.
ANGEL (OS)
Somebody get the phone.
DICK
It's for me. --
(answers the phone)
Hello? .... Oh. ... What? ... Yeah. Yeah... What for?
(looks at his mother)
She's busy.
Lily reponds and snatches the phone away from him.
DICK
.. Christ.
LILY
Yeah? This is Lily. ... Tommy? ... Tommy? What? ...
Oh, my God. How?
DICK
Par for the course.
SUZANNE
What? What is it?
DICK
Oh, nothing new, just another little intrigue. One of her
sleaze-bag buddies from the biker bar. Got stabbed.
In the groin.
SUZANNE
Biker bar?
DICK
Biker bar, leather bar. You know mom, nothing but
class.
JOYCE
(Re-entering)
What?
DICK
Oh, she didn't tell you? Her hog-jockey lover? Oh,
yeah. Really picks the winners.
SUZANNE
(to Lily)
... Tommy? - Is it?
Lily nods.
DICK
Humungus loss.
SUZANNE
Bad? -- Where is he?
LILY
(into the phone)
Yeah, but give it to me, anyway.
JOYCE
Who is it?
DICK
Disgusting creep. Sometimes I could vomit.
JOYCE
What's that mean?
DICK
It means she's got a thing for sloppy drunks with trail
mix between their teeth and pits like last week's
orgasm. That's-
LILY
Shut up. --- Yeah? ... Okay-okay. Tell him I'll be there.
(hangs up)
DICK
God, you're a piece of work.
ANGEL (OS)
Lily? Lily? Lilybelle! You hear me? I can't hold it any
longer.
LILY
Go take care of your grandmother. I'll be back as
soon as I can.
(darts Off into the hall)
DICK
Oh, right! One call and you're out of here, over some
piece of garbage that got stabbed in a bar-! But I can't
go on a date that you knew about over a week ago,
because-
ANGEL (OS)
Lilybelle, you old fart. You're not worth tampax. You
hear me? Get in here!
SUZANNE
Sh-h. Dicky, I'm sorry, but this is.. something we have
to do, okay?
DICK
It's like this all the time. I can hardly wait to move out
of this goddamn hole.
SUZANNE
It'll get better. Trust me. We're working on it. I'll make
it up to you.
Lily hurries back in with a jacket, and Suzanne joins her, heading for the front
door.
LILY
And you just shut up.
JOYCE
Mom? You're going, too?
SUZANNE
Just... Go ahead and eat...
Lily and Suzanne Exit. Dick and Joyce look each other up and down for an
exasperating second, as a BUZZER suddenly goes off in the kitchen.
ANGEL (OS)
Well, that's it-! Never mind.
Joyce is mortified. Dick hurries Out to attend Angel. The BUZZER keeps going,
and
End of Scene One
Scene Two
SCENE: Angel's bedroom, immediately following. ANGEL is propped up on a
mound of pillows, trying to knock the glass and pills out of DICK's hands. Their
dialogue overlaps in combat. She is a tough looking old bird, wearing a sexy
blond wig.
ANGEL
I took it already! I took it already!
DICK
No you didn't. Now, come on. Stop that and open your
mouth.
ANGEL
Yes I did! I just took it!
DICK
Well, it's time again.
ANGEL
It is not! That's what you said before. I've been
checking on you.
DICK
Angel! Knock it off! Or I'll get Mom in here, and she'll
ram it down your throat with a plunger.
ANGEL
Okay. But just this once.
DICK
That's good.
ANGEL
I want out of here. I want to go home.
DICK
This is your home.
ANGEL
Dickie, take me home. Take me home and I'll split the
money with you.
DICK
Take these first.
JOYCE ENTERS and witnesses the ritual, as Dick gets Angel to start swallowing
the pills.
ANGEL
There's enough money there to take us both to
Mexico. We could retire in Mexico and get rid of your
mother.
DICK
I'm tempted. Now, drink a little more water.
ANGEL
Look, I've never told anybody, even the old witch, but
there's over a hundred thousand dollars in there that
nobody else knows about.
DICK
Yeah, well, I won't tell. Come on. Drink.
ANGEL
I siphoned it off, all in cash, so there was no record. -
Only way you can fuck Uncle Sam and get away with
it is to keep it all in cash. For almost thirty years. 'Til I
got sick.
DICK
Drink the rest of the water.
ANGEL
(finally drinks the water)
They took me away while I was sick, and nobody ever
knew about it. A hundred thousand dollars. Buried
right there in the yard. -- Wha- Who's that?
Dick looks around and discovers Joy.
ANGEL
She's listening!
DICK
Come on in.
ANGEL
No! Get out of here!
DICK
Angel, this is your granddaughter. Joyce. Suzanne's
daughter. From Alaska.
ANGEL
I don't know any Suzanne's daughter from Alaska.
DICK
Yes you do.
JOYCE
Hi, Gramma.
ANGEL
Get her out of here!
DICK
Angel, get with the program. Remember Suzanne's
little baby? Well, this is her.
ANGEL
.. You got a haircut.
JOYCE
Yeah, Gramma, I got a haircut.
ANGEL
Well, I liked it better the other way.
Joyce crosses to give Angel a hug.
ANGEL
Suzanne, honey, we've got to put your sister away.
Somewhere she can't do any more damage.
JOYCE
You've got me mixed up with my mom.
ANGEL (CONT.)
You're trying to trick me. I know a trick when I see
one. - That's a joke.
DICK
I got it.
ANGEL (CONT.)
Dickie, tell her. She's wrecking the business. I haven't
even been able to make a single phone call in the last
two days. She's just a bitch.
DICK
Just play along. It isn't worth-
ANGEL (CONT.)
Suzanne.. Suzanne, baby! - Get me out of here.
Suzanne, take me home. Your sister is a fucking
tyrant. But you, - you were always class.
Angel now just keeps running off at the mouth, overlapping their dialogue in a
continuous stream.
JOY
You shouldn't let her go on like this. It's not good for
her.
DICK
If you can stop her, be my guest.
ANGEL (CONT.)
You're the real the money maker. We don't need her.
You can handle more men in one night than she can
in a week.
JOYCE
Is she hallucinating like this all the time? What's- she
jabbering about?
ANGEL (CONT.)
Get me out of here. Every minute we lose costs
money. They're waiting in line around the block for
you, baby. Suzanne, take me home. We'll get this old
town hopping again.
DICK
Just what it sounds like. The good old days.
JOY
You butthead. She just thinks-
DICK
Yeah. She's still the baddest Madame of San Diego.
JOYCE
This isn't funny. Come on Gramma, I'm Joyce. I'm-
ANGEL (CONT.)
She makes me stay in this goddamn room all day
long. Trying to hog all the business for herself. She
can't fool me. I know what she's doing..
DICK
What? Didn't know our sweet old Angel was servicing
half the troops headed to Viet Nam? Hell, it was the
second gold rush of California.
ANGEL (CONT.)
Trouble with her is, she likes it. She does it with
trash. She'll do it with anybody.
JOYCE
Knock it off, I said. It's upsetting her.
DICK
Oh..! Upsetting who? Her or you? - You don't get it.
ANGEL (CONT.)
You can't make any money like that. It's the
servicemen that spend. Horny all the time. You turn
'em out like popcorn. Last week we worked nearly half
of Camp Pendleton-
JOYCE
I get it just fine. You think this is funny.
DICK
Oh, it is! It is. No wonder you turned out such a
pretentious tight ass. You should hear her when she
really gets going.
ANGEL (CONT.)
That's the only way you can make it work in this
business. Volume. In and out. Get the money, show's
over. Otherwise you're no better than a whore walking
the street.
JOYCE
You're a real bastard, you know that?
DICK
Yeah, my mom told me that, too.
JOYCE
She ought to be taken out of here, where someone
would really take care of her.
DICK
This is funny. Dean's list, scholarship, fuck. You're
receiving, but you ain't processing. You should see
the look on your face.
ANGEL (CONT.)
Suzanne, baby, help me out of here. I think my feet
have gone to sleep.
JOYCE
I don't have to listen to this.
Joyce turns and starts to leave.
DICK
No. You don't have to listen. Stay ignorant. You?
Gonna be a lawyer? Go on! Split! Get out of here!
What the hell do you care about your grandmother?
Little Joycie! That's all you fuckin' care about! Pure
little virgin Joycie! Go on! Have a good life.
JOYCE
You're really-
DICK
Get over it! At least I'm not a lousy hypocrite!
ANGEL (CONT.)
What are you fighting about?
Joyce runs out of the room in tears, and he shouts after her:
DICK (CONT.)
Good, you dried-up suck-ass! At least this canny old
dame knew when the fire was hot. What have you
got, you pretend lawyer? I bet they made over a
million dollars before they were your age. - Right,
Angel?
ANGEL (CONT.)
Come on, baby. Take me home. Suzanne! Before the
old bag gets back. I know she went someplace..
Suzanne? -- Where's she going? -- Dickie, get my
shoes. In the closet.
DICK
Who needs her? She's an asshole anyway.
ANGEL
Well, to hell with 'em, then. Both of 'em. -- They think I
don't know what I'm talking about. But I do. Now, you
listen to me for a change. I'm telling you, I still have
more than a hundred thousand dollars buried in my
back yard.
DICK
Angel, pay attention... There's no money. It's all in
your head.
ANGEL
There is too! A hundred thousand dollars! Why won't
anyone listen to me?
DICK
Because, -- Mom already looked. She dug up
practically the whole yard, and there wasn't anything
there.
ANGEL
How could she find anything downstairs, when she
hasn't got anything upstairs? I never told her where.
That's why. I don't trust her! I'm telling you, there's a
hundred thousand dollars, just sitting there in your
grandfather's urn. All in hundred dollar bills. And we
need to get it before somebody else finds it.
DICK
In Grampa's urn?
ANGEL
Sure. I dumped him out and filled it up with the
money.
DICK
Buried in the back yard?
ANGEL
Right under the apricot tree.
DICK
Angel, your house has been sold. Somebody else
lives there now.
ANGEL
I never sold my house.
DICK
Yes you did. We already talked about this. Mom sold
it. She had to. To pay for the doctors.
ANGEL
Your mother is an old bag. She doesn't know
anything. I saved thirty years for that money! They
just never looked in the right place. Help me go get it,
and we'll split it, fifty-fifty. Just you and me. And we'll
both be rid of her.
DICK
Hm. You sure know how to milk a guy's weakness.
ANGEL
I ought to by now. I've milked more weaknesses than
you'll ever see.
DICK
Even if it was there, they probably dug it up by now.
That old tree was dying anyway.
ANGEL
Take me, and I'll show you exactly where it is.
DICK
A hundred thousand dollars.
ANGEL
Fifty-fifty.
Suddenly caught up in the idea, Dick darts into the closet and begins tossing out
her slippers, a bathrobe and sweat pants, while Angel struggles to get herself up.
End of Scene Two
Scene Three
SCENE: Living room, about two hours later. JOY is alone. She has been fretting
and raging and crying. Now, she has her suitcase set by the front door, and she
keeps looking out the window for a taxi to arrive. Finally, she digs into a
wastebasket for a crumpled up note and calls the number that is scribbled on it.
Someone answers.
JOY
.... Hello!
The SOUND of the BACK DOOR stops her for a second, then she goes on:
JOY (CONT.)
I called for a taxi forty-five minutes ago, and it isn't
here yet! ... 1515 Breaburn. ... -- Look, I know when
I-
(looks at her watch - her mistake)
... Well, it seems like it..
DICK ENTERS through the kitchen and leans on the doorjamb to scrutinize her,
while he tantalizes her with an urn in his hand.
DICK
– A hundred thousand dollars.
JOY
What?
DICK
(holds up a mortuary urn)
A hundred thousand dollars.
JOY
You-- ?
(into the phone)
... Never mind. Just- Just cancel it. - Yes! Cancel the
taxi.
(hangs up)
- Found it! She really knew what she was tallking
about?
DICK
Tsk-tsk-tsk. Why whatever did happen to that ugly
mood of yours? Money-money-money-money. Instant
happiness. Or should I say instant greed. You
shameless whore.
JOY
A hundred thousand dollars-! Let me see!
She reaches for it, but Dick raises it up high.
DICK
Hold out your hands.
She holds out her hands. He turns the urn upside down and shakes it. It is
empty.
JOY
Where is it?
DICK
There wasn't any. - Just dirt.
JOY
There wasn't any money?
DICK
Of course not. It was all in her head.
JOY
Then why did y- Man,- You're a shit. A true shit.
DICK
Did I hear that bad "s" word? Out of that holier-thanthou
mouth? Twice! I'm shocked.
JOY
I need a ride to the airport.
DICK
That's not the only ride you need.
JOY
Are you going to take me to the airport or not?
DICK
Not.
JOY
By the way, that important date of yours called.
Dick gives her a strange look and goes back into the kitchen. She follows to the
door.
JOY (CONT.)
He was worried something might have happened to
you... Sounded real sweet.
DICK (OS)
Get a life.
JOYCE
Not to worry. I told him there was an emergency, but
you were okay. -- Did I do good?
DICK
(comes back in with some food)
You just love that, don't you? You're such a snot.
JOYCE
Oh, I'm sure he's very nice.
DICK
He is, as a matter of fact-
JOY
Don't explain. It goes with the territory.
DICK
Speaking of the territory, why don't you just click the
heels of those ruby slippers and magic yourself back
where you came from?
JOY
Believe me, it can't be soon enough!
There is a SOUND at the front door, LILY and SUZANNE returning from the
hospital. The two women immediately recognize the hostility in the room, – plus
the suitcase.
LILY
I hope you kids went ahead and ate. I'll warm up
whatever's left.
SUZANNE
What's the matter? What's going on?
JOY
I think I'm the one who should be asking that. Don't
you?
SUZANNE
What are you-
DICK
Miss Mary just discovered she's not Sister Mary
Immaculate.
LILY
... Oh, Honey,-!
JOY
All I want is to get to the airport before my flight
leaves. 10:45.
LILY
Calm down and put your suitcase away. We've got
enough going on without getting into that right now.
DICK
Oh, right. I almost forgot. How's your old scumbag
buddy doing? - 'Scuse me, update. I should say
"scar-bag."
Suzanne tries to take Joy to one side and talk to her, but Joy is unapproachable,
uverlapping Lily and Dick.
LILY
It's not something to joke about.
DICK
Somebody finally cut off his balls? I hope.
SUZANNE
I knew this would happen, as soon as we left. Honey,
Joyce,-
JOYCE
Don't talk to me! I just want to get out of here.
LILY
That's the last of your smart-mouth I'm going to take
right now.
DICK
So much for being an organ donor. Eh?
SUZANNE
I won't have you behaving like this.
JOY
I don't belong in this family. I don't even know you
people.
SUZANNE
You're not going anywhere, until we have this out.
JOYCE
Everything about you is a lie- !
DICK
Hey, do they do that? Donate sex organs?
LILY
Goddamnit! You got a lot to learn!
DICK
Ew, just the thought- Some intern whackin' away at
it..!
SUZANNE
Nobody can change the past. We were just kids
ourselves-!
JOYCE
I don't know who the hell you are. And frankly, I'm not
even sure who I am anymore.
SUZANNE
If you want to get slapped in the face, just keep this
up.
JOYCE
I think you've already done that, thanks. Thank you
very much.
DICK
And I thought he was a loser before!
LILY
I'm sick of you and your know-it-all attitude! Shut up!
The man's your father!
JOYCE
And don't rush home. I won't be there.
SUZANNE
I've spent over half my life trying to make things better
for you than they were for me!
JOY
Oh, well they sure are.
SUZANNE
They sure are!
LILY
Yeah. That's right. The old scumbag, as you call him,
is your old man! How 'bout them apples?!
DICK
- You're sick. You'd say anything right now.. Just to
hurt-
LILY
And for your information, he's been cut up real bad.
Dick goes blank, and the comment halts Suzanne's squabble with Joy, as well.
DICK
You told me my father was dead.
LILY
Yeah, well, grow up.
DICK
You told me he was dead.
LILY
He tried making friends with you for years. But since
you weren't smart enough to figure it out, we just let it
ride.
SUZANNE
Dick, Tommy is your father. And he's a good man. I
wish you'd go see him.
LILY
Why do you think I've been hanging out with him all
this time? He even paid child support when he could.
You've been living off of him for years, you stupid jerk.
Too appalled to speak, Joyce grabs up her suitcase and opens the door. But Lily
pounces on her and stops her:
LILY (CONT.)
Come on, now, sweetie, I know that Angel says a lot
of things-
Everyone suddenly stops and listens, realizing how quiet it is. Lily bolts into the
hallway to look then returns immediately.
LILY
-- Where's Angel?
DICK
In the car.
SUZANNE & LILY
In the car?
JOYCE
He took her to look for the money.
DICK
She's sleeping in the car.
LILY
This is it..! This is just the last straw!
Lily hurries Out through the kitchen, with Dick right behind her. Suzanne takes
Joyce's suitcase and follows after Dick, leaving Joyce alone again. For a
moment, Joyce goes to the phone to make her call again. But then she changes
her mind and puts it down. She can hear the others in the garage, but no sounds
of Angel. Presently, Dick, Lily and Suzanne come laboring in, negotiating the
doorways carrying Angel's big limp body. Her slippers are muddy and her blond
wig has fallen off. Dick has set the wig on his own head to carry it and makes a
campy gesture to aggravate Joyce, as they re-enter and lay Angel on the couch.
LILY
God almighty. You knew she couldn't be moved! You
knew it, and you did it anyway.
SUZANNE
She's not breathing. ... No pulse..!
LILY
Well, you've done it up royal, now, buster!
DICK
You want to know something, that was the happiest
I've seen her in years.
LILY
And the deadest! You stupid fuck! You killed your
grandmother! For what? Some stupid tale about
buried money. Well, I hope you're satisfied.
SUZANNE
It's too late for that! We have to think of something
here. This could turn out bad.
LILY
Just... get those slippers off of her. And you go run a
bath.
DICK
A bath?
LILY
Don't argue! We'll dump her in the tub. We've got to
wash her.
SUZANNE
Good idea.
DICK
Jesus Christ-
Suzanne quickly pulls off Angel's slippers and hands them to Joyce:
SUZANNE
Here, go rinse these in the sink! - Do it.
Joyce takes the slippers into the kitchen to wash them.
LILY
Start the bath!
Dick Exits into the bathroom and begins RUNNING THE WATER. Lily and
Suzanne hurriedly strip off Angel's robe, socks and sweat pants, leaving only her
lingerie.
SUZANNE
Where's the washing machine?
LILY
Just drop it right there. I'll get it in a minute. - Dick!
Come back here and help us! - Grab a leg.
Dick returns, leaving the water running, while Suzanne and Lily begin lifting the
big limp body up off the couch again.
LILY
You take the top part.
They all lift together and carry her away into the bathroom. Their sporadic
GRUNTING is heard.
LILY (OS)
Hurry up! Get the rest of this stuff off of her. - Pull!
Pull! --
DICK (OS)
I am! - Jeeze! This is Laurel and Hardy.
LILY (OS)
Okay, That's good. Just toss 'em. - Now lower her
down... Here! Sit her on this end... All the way. All
right. .. God, she's a load.
Joyce returns from the kitchen, listening to them, then Dick comes back out into
the living room, without the blond wig on his head.
JOYCE
I put the slippers in the microwave to dry.
DICK
That'll burn 'em up.
JOYCE
No it won't. It's on defrost.
Lily and Suzanne return, still leaving the water running. Suzanne grabs up the
clothes from the floor.
DICK
Well?
LILY
Well, what?
DICK
Well, so, what else?
LILY
What else, for Christ's sake? That's what I'd like to
know-!
DICK
Do I have brothers or sisters? What? What else?
LILY
You have two brothers. Now you know.
DICK
Jesus.
LILY
Then go see him and find out for yourself. You might
be surprised..
DICK
What would I say to him? He's a jerk. - Probably ask
me to smuggle-in some beer or something.
LILY
Go see him, or don't. I don't care.
DICK
How come he got stabbed?
SUZANNE
Can we let this wait for a better time?
LILY
Assuming there is a better time.
DICK
You're glad she's gone. Both of you. I'd think if your
mother just died, you'd have at least one or two tears.
LILY
Don't talk to your aunt like that.
DICK
So what? It's true. That's what you've been yelling
about for months. Wish you were rid of her.
LILY
You said the same about me plenty of times, you little
hypocrite. When I die, you can dig up my yard. Shit.
SUZANNE
Look, if there are any questions, we all have to agree
on the same facts.
DICK
(Facts-!) Look at us. Everybody here's a fuckin'
hypocrite. - Everybody except Angel. At least with her,
what you saw was what you got.
LILY
(taking the clothes away from Suzanne)
As soon as we get her back in bed, I'll call the doctor.,
- tell him we think she's getting worse.
> Dick picks up the phone and talks:
DICK
Hello? Dr. Kavorkian? Angel is dead, and we think
she's getting worse.
LILY
(snatches the phone away and slams it down)
God, what a moron. - Are you listening? Then we'll
wait a few minutes and call the paramedics. They'll
find what they find.
(Exits into the kitchen)
DICK
You're going to tell 'em she died in bed?
SUZANNE
She did. - As far as we're concerned, she died in bed.
It's best. Otherwise, they'll be asking a whole lot of
questions that we don't want to answer.
DICK
So what?
SUZANNE
Because one leads to another. I know how these
things snowball. - It's as much for you as it is for us.
First thing, they'd want to know why you took her out,
-
LILY (OS)
- And killed her- !
SUZANNE
And how she came to get so dirty. They'll look. They'll
find out. Under the fingernails- I guarantee you,
that's what they do.
LILY (OS)
Then explain why you thought she had all that money
in the first place!
SUZANNE
- And maybe even turn it over to the I.R.S. - Just take
my word for it, it's the only way.
Lily returns from the kitchen without the clothes and immediately begins
straightening the cushions on the couch.
LILY
Do what you're told for once. Who knows if they might
even throw your ass in jail.
DICK
Oh, right. I can see you're really worried about that..!
You just don't want Angel's epitaph on the front of the
National Enquierer!
JOYCE
Don't you ever stop fighting? For Christ's sake,
suddenly you're so obsessed about telling the truth?
Get over it. What difference does it make, now? It's
not going to help anything.
DICK
Why, Snow White-! She may be a human hybrid after
all.
LILY
That's enough. When the paramedics get here, just let
me do all the talking.
Suzanne begins making a phone call.
LILY (CONT.)
I don't want to hear any bickering or sarcasm... Who
are you calling?
SUZANNE
Just calling home. I want to let Andy know...
Lily brings out the vacuum out of the hall closet.
DICK
- And you'll be happy to know that the dog ggot out,
when I moved the car, because you made me put her-
LILY
Good! We'll offer a reward. Anyone who finds hercan
keep her!
SUZANNE
- Hi. Hi, honey. ... Oh, not good, but... ... Yeah. Yeah,
just a few minutes ago. I know. ... We're going to
hang around for the funeral.. ..... Oh, she's- she's
holding up okay.
Suzanne hands the phone to Joyce.
JOYCE
Hi, Daddy. ... Yeah. Thanks. At least we got here in
time to have a nice little chat with her. ... No. She just
passed away quietly in her sleep.
ANGEL (OS)
- Where's the soap?
ALL REACT, as
BLACKOUT
The End